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The Crystal's Mystery (Prologue)

by polishcommonwealth

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15 Reviews

Points: 671
Reviews: 15

Sat Apr 11, 2020 9:40 pm
Vita wrote a review...

Let's start with the positives. First of all, I really liked the mysteriousness of this prologue, it feels very portentous. I'm curious to see what happens next. I like how it ends too, the suddenness of it is great.
However, there are several issues that take away from the good elements of this. The only major issue I have with the overall plot of the prologue is that the reader isn't really given a reason to care about the characters or the crystals. You have a lot of foreshadowing of events, but not a lot of foreshadowing for people. Some hints at characterization would be great. For example, if the two thieves are going to be characters later in the story, it would be nice to learn a bit more about them and what motivates them. Or, if the major conflict of the story will be how the city copes with losing the crystal/gets the jewel back, consider adding something that makes the reader care about the fate of the city. Not a lot of information necessarily, just enough to make the reader care about what happens next.
In addition, there are several problems with the wording. For example: "A great light shone on a towering monument, and that light gave light to most of the courtyard."
The word light is repeated three times just in this short sentence, and it's very cumbersome to read. I would suggest something like: "A great light shone from a towering monument, illuminating most of the courtyard."
In the second paragraph you also said: "It was not soon before that the grey cloaked stranger was arrested" I think you might have meant, "It was not long", as in, it happened quickly. It's mostly just fixing things like this, and some better word choice, that will take your writing to the next level.
Some other things that need work are your dialogue, and your descriptions.
Your dialogue feels very stiff and artificial. I realize that this is a medieval setting, so their language would be a bit more formal, but they should still sound like real people. For example, the guard is clearly angry and upset, so the writing should reflect that more. For example:
"What are you doing here?" the guard demanded angrily, "And who the hell are you?"
You want your dialogue to sound like something real people would say.
When the man says "Kill Me!" It's a bit confusing what he means. You could try something more like:"Do what you want, kill me if you must, but I won't tell you anything!
As for your descriptions, You've created a really intriguing setting, and I want to know more about it. The towering monument mentioned earlier, what does it look like? And the garden, what is that like? Try to engage all five senses when describing things. What do the flowers smell like? can you hear the wind in the branches? That kind of thing will help transport your reader into the universe you're creating.
I've been brutally honest with this critique, but it's not because I'm trying to be harsh. I think ou have a really good start, and I can't wait to see what you do next. Keep writing!

Thank you! Wording is my hardest time with writing, so thanks for pointing that out.

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67 Reviews

Points: 61
Reviews: 67

Thu Apr 09, 2020 5:01 pm
Anamel wrote a review...

"A small, dark shadow crept along the wall. Another man sat on his horse next to the wall in the shadows."
By the second sentence, the reader can already infer and know that the small, dark shadow isn't an animal or some paranormal experience but a person with the usage of "another man"--nice.

"Climbing his rope, it was not long before the slithering man reached the ramparts."
I had to look up what ramparts meant since I didn't know, but it's a good fit. Even if the reader doesn't know exactly what it means, they can use nearby context for reference such as the castle.

"The castle was located in a large and beautiful courtyard, where trees and flowers grew to their beauty. But the trees, nor the flowers, knew what was to happen that night."
I'd be interested to hear more about the scenery. I can actually already imagine it in my head, so in one way it can also be good for the reader to picture it themselves. I see a big tree full of white lillies and huge yellow flowers blooming from foliage and dancing, long blue flowers and ripe yellow fruits.

"A great light shone on a towering monument, and that light gave light to most of the courtyard. "
Bit too repetitive here.

"Nonetheless, the grey cloaked stranger"
I suggest adding a dash inbetween just because I was confused at first, so 'the grey-cloaked stranger'.

Also for the second paragraph, I recommend splitting it up more just so that the format isn't so blocky.

" However the crystal which the horsman "

"However no word came from the stranger. "
I reccomend just taking out however completely.

" that golden light which Cilestil holds as its protector, for ever since we have held that crystal upon the monument, not once have we lost this city, nor any other war to foreign nations""
Interesting that we're starting to get some background here. I like how you introduce everything slowly. Also mash 'for ever' together and add a period after nations.

I like the ending. Overall the story was easy for me to take in and read which is saying a lot since I have a bad attention span.

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

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124 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 124

Wed Apr 08, 2020 10:37 pm
JesseWrites wrote a review...

I think that the dialogue could use a tweak. It was flat and just boring. That is only my opinion on the matter though. Others could like it.

The first paragraphs were scary to say anything. Too bulky and readers would be frightened and click off. It took me some prep to read and than review. I enjoyed the world-building and characters.

I hope that chapter one comes soon. I did not mean to be rude. I sometimes come off like that when I review.


Thank you! I'm glad you were scared, but I don't understand why. I meant for it to be mysterious, but not scary.
Also, I completely understand the way how you phrased your review. Sometimes I do the same.
Thank you once again!

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12 Reviews

Points: 8
Reviews: 12

Wed Apr 08, 2020 9:20 pm

Sorry for the inconvenience. CCCOOOOWWWWWSSSS!!!!! AAGGGHHH!!!! :)

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12 Reviews

Points: 8
Reviews: 12

Wed Apr 08, 2020 9:19 pm

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12 Reviews

Points: 8
Reviews: 12

Wed Apr 08, 2020 9:17 pm

We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain