Abstract Poem

polinkacreations wrote:The raindrop slowly runs downrain- run, gives a redundant feeling
The broken glass.I'm not sure you should put a full stop here
Shattered into pieces
Lying on the soft ground
Which sucks up the watersucks up- sort of breaks this deep descriptive flow you've got going, change to other synonyms
Breathes in, breathes out.This sounds good

The night is clear, stars like patches on the skyThis description was also really nice
Washed out by the rain
The old swing creaks to the side
The wind gently shakes the bushesThe rhyming pattern either changed or was lost here, or somehow, I just didn't feel it

The room is dark
The lights are gone
Raindrops falling
Hitting the floor
There is no roofThe last statement feels out of place. the rest, though went well.

The bed is under the stars
The bedsheets are crumpledThis is where the chjange in your tense became prominent, see- you started with past tense, and now it's present
Getting darker and darker, sinking down
The patches on the wallsI'm assuming this is of the stars but it's not very clear though

Walls will fall
Not by their own will
But it’s for their own goodThis bit sounds odd, many too many words coz the sentences before were shorter.
They have stood for too long

The rain had left its marksI like this statement
On the sacred land
The cracks are left
They could have been saved
But the rain came too fast
And it hit it too strongNow you've changed tense again, the para began with had left, ended with hit.

The lights are fading
The rain still hits the broken ceiling.I thought the rain stopped
The wind whispers out the words
That we’ve said too much

I hope my review helps, I tried to be as guesome as possible heheh- and yes thanx for your review on Unrequited this is a review back. Yours was really helpful- thanx

This is, simply put, beautiful. I love the natural feel of it, raw and imperfect, but it all works and flows smoothly. It makes me think of the rain (obviously!) and it reminds me of climbing trees with friends in the park.
I have one little nitpick about it. The second to last line "The wind whispers out the words" would sound better if it were "The wind whispers the words" or "The wind breathes out the words."
Keep Writing,
Bel

Your poem was vary moving.I thought it was flowing and was just plain amazing!;)

I can see what you're going for here, but there's some lines in here that could be omitted for the good of the poem. I KNOW, writer's hate that word: "omit". I, for one, despise when people tell me that I need to edit one of my pieces and "get rid" of this phrase or that. But, although this piece has really good moments, some phrases could be replaced for the benefit of the whole poem.

For instance, in the third stanza, the last line doesn't blend so well. Try reading it out loud. "There is no roof." This strikes me as an awkward phrase, and it distracted me from the flow. Then I started to notice more places that had clunky phrasing and it just kind of keep me occupied, instead of me taking in the piece without stopping to think about what I had just read.

I liked this poem; just try to eliminate lines that might "distract" and experiment with word variety to keep the reader guessing!