This is novel by: pointe2drama and Mikko
Mikko= Marco
Pointe=Annalane
(see spoilers)
Prologue part 1
Marco del Rey
A marcott. Professor Lapor has partnered me up with a marcott. The anger coursing through my veins was nothing compared to the anger on her face.
“Professor!” she said, her face red. “I-I don- don’t think that poss-ssible.”
Stupid stutter. Stupid Lapor. Stupid marcott!
“Sebastien needs me to help pick up his grades.”
The know-it-all wants to help her best friend. Cute. But she’s a marcott, you can’t think anyone of their race is cute. You just can’t. Your dad will disown you! I turned “I agree with the marcott. I am not okay with this.”
Lapor held up his hands, with a no-nonsense look on his face. “The pairs have been chosen, no ifs and or buts.”
Annalane looked around, looking for a face in the crowd to help her. Stupid girl. No one would help her.
Prologue part 2
Annalane Grace
This was the last day, the last time we would sit in the library, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, working together with him. Why do I feel sad? I thought, looking at him from under my bangs. I should be overjoyed. "Annalane..." he said hesitantly, looking at me, his brow furrowed. He calls me Annalane! I thought, my heart fluttering in my chest.
"Yes?" I asked, looking closely at him.
"I have a question for you." I turned to him,
"What?" I tapped my foot impatiently. He looked down at his hands, his normal pale skin slowly turning crimson.
"I have a question."
"I think I got that."
"Did you..... Slip something in my pumpkin juice?"
I stared at him, my eyes flickering between his face and his glass. 'Are you kidding?" I laughed. "Slip something into your drink?" My voice rose with laughter "What would I slip, and why would I?" He blushed, his face getting more red by th minute.
"A .... Love potion.." he looked so upset, there were even tears in his eyes.
"A love potion?" I laughed outloud, then noticed he was serious.
"Why on earth would I slip a love potion of all things into your glass?"
"Maybe 'cause you like me and didn't think I liked you back..." I looked at him. Did I like him? Did I think of him of as more than a friend?"I didn't slip anything into your drink Marco."
"Are you telling the truth?"
"Yes."
“Because if you’re not, you didn’t have to do that. It might have already happened before you slipped it.”
My heart stopped. Marco, the Letum’s son, liked me? The 'marcott', the filthy marcott?
“You what?”
“I… Like you.” He face seemed to be so red, it might be steaming.
“You could fry an egg on your face,” I commented, thanking the Lord I wasn’t stuttering.
Suddenly he stood up, pulling me with him.
“Marco—" he kissed me. He kissed me long, sweetly and lovingly and I felt myself give it back. I didn’t pull away, not yet.
He pulled away first.
“No one can know.”
I shook my head. No one could.
Chapter 1:
Marco
She's beautiful. That's all I can say. That's all I could see as I got off the train, in the middle of all the Philophococus pupils. Even though the platform was crowded with people, all I could see was her. It was as if nothing else was around us, as if the whole place had been deserted and as I stood there, I felt her beauty shoot right through my heart.
Only until I noticed her two best friends: Sebastien and Peter, and his girfriend Amy getting off the train did I realize that it was no longer the summer holidays. There was no more freedom. It was back to pretending. Though throughout the summer we were able to send anonymous letters to each other, we still had to hide it. But this was different. At school, it had to stay more confidential than anywhere else. All I could do was hope and dream about when we would be able to meet for the first time after two months of being apart.
"Quasey, Lyphieses...marcott." It hurt me to say the last word, but I had to, though I was losing my touch. It didn't sound like it did before. Before. That was now a long time ago- when I never though I could even look at wizards of her 'rank'. "If it isn't the walking legends!" I said sarcastically, with Strausme and Folsuve- my two friends- smirking.
"Leave us alone, del Rey," That was the first time in two months that I had heard her voice. It sounded like a sweet harmony to me and if they hadn't turned around to ignore me, they would have seen what they were not supposed to see: a smile almost coming to my face.
When we arrived at school, our prefects checked us in while the teachers were sorting the 1st years.
"Fresh victims this year!" Strausme said, budging me in the arm. It was our tradition, since our 2nd year, to torture the new wizards.
However this year, I had lost the interest in it. I was a new Marco and all I could think about was her. I looked in the Sheffer line if she was there, but she had already been checked in. I had to wait. Wait until I saw her when we would meet- after supper in the graveyard. My heart and mind counted the minutes till then. It seemed like forever, but I knew we would be soon together after such a long summer apart. 'Patience is a virtue' she would always quote. When I think that once upon a time I absolutely detested it. Her.
Chapter 2:
AnnaLane
I was waiting. He had promised, when we had sent those last letters, to meet me in our secret place, the graveyard that lay in the woods behind the castle. I had a book open on my lap, browsing, while looking up every three minutes to see if he was there yet. A paragraph leaped out at me, as my eye scanned the page.
Mental telepathy.
That could be interesting. I focused, looking down at the page carefully.
Mental telepathy, if the wizard can yield it, can be used to send messages to another's brain. Complex to master, Telepathy is often used in times of war, to tell soldiers when and where to be. Recently, a study has proved an adept wizard could use this skill to send messages to another’s brain.
I became engrossed in the chapter, reading it over and over again. This would be perfect—
“Hello gorgeous,” his voice, so sweet and soft made me jump.
“Marco!” I flung my arms around his neck, holding him close, trying to let all the emotions I had bottled up inside me all summer flow out of my lips onto his. He didn’t let go. He didn’t shrug away, like he once had, afraid to let himself love me.
Finally, I broke the kiss, still keeping my arms around his neck.
“Hello gorgeous,” he repeated, his hands at the small of my back.
“Hello handsome.”
“Whatca’ readin?” He picked up the book, which I had dropped on the ground when I had saw him.
“A book, Marco, there was something in it about mental telepathy. Do you think it’s possible?”
He looked doubtful, and his hands were tightening around me, just like they did when they were about to kiss me. I had missed those arms.
“If anyone can make it happen, it’s you.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere mister.”
“I’m serious.”
I laughed and felt his arms tighten even more. He leaned in, his lips parting, and pressing hard against mine.
I don’t know how long we stayed like this, holding each other, feeling the other one, for the first time in months.
I broke it first.
"We have to practice hating each other."
"What?" He looked amazed.
"Seb thought you were acting weird when we saw you today. We have to make it believable."
He looked hesitant.
"What ya' think you’re going to hurt me?" I laughed, he is so stupid sometimes. He blushed.
"No..."
"Well then, come on," I stood up, holding out my hand. He looked at it as though it was a venomous snake. "But--"
"No buts come on,"
He took my hand, and stood up beside me. I backed up putting space between us. "Let's say you, Folsuve and Strausmr walk up, and Peter and Seb are with me. And you have to make fun of them."
He stepped towards me. "Annalane..."
"Come on, what did you do before you fell in love with me?"
He sighed, resigning himself. "Quasey, Lyphies... Marcott." He attempted to sneer, but failed. I giggled.
"Stop, I'm trying to be mean here."
"I can't help it. You look funny."
He rolled his eyes and tried again, still unsuccessful.
"Here let me try." I stepped forward. We were almost nose to nose. Kiss him! My mind screamed. Forget the lesson! Kiss him! I ignored my thoughts, trying to rearrange my face into a sneer. A smile appeared, and his nostrils flared. So cute... NO! I had to focus. "del Rey." I said, with the most contempt possible. Marco blushed, his smile growing wider. He placed his hands on his hips, and sneered perfectly. "Quasey, Lyphies, Marcott."
"You did it!" I squealed, wrapping my arms around his neck.
“Did you doubt?”
I laughed, and kissed him, pulling him close against me again.
~
When the first light touched eastern wall of the castle, I stirred. I had fallen asleep; my head nestled in his shoulder, his arms keeping me warm. I sat up, looking down at him. I stroked his hair then bent down, brushing my lips against his forehead.
“Wakie wakie, eggs and bakey,” I said in a singsong voice, kissing his forehead once more.
He shivered, then opened his eyes, and smiled.
“Hello gorgeous.”
“Hi. We have to go. Bell will ring for breakfast soon.”
He looked at me. “Let’s not go—“
“You know that is out of the question! It’s the first day. I will not skip.”
He sighed and stood up, offering his hand to me. “Fine.”
We would have to walk in separate directions, and leave our spot. I kissed him, making sure to hold back so we didn’t miss breakfast.
“Love you,” I said, then turned on my heel, stomping off towards the westward tower of the castle.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Alright, so, I am sorely confused. You need to explain a lot more, and give the reader something to go on. As RangerHawk said above me, that both the prologues seemed like they were just placed there, for the need to have a prologue. You need to decide if the prologue(s) are necessary, because right now, they really aren't.
Now, I'm not the type for switching POV's, because the person will tend to rush through both the POV's and miss details. You do that. Besides not explaning what a Quasey, A Lyphieses or a marcott was, they sound like foriegn animals, to be honest.
To improve-
you could add way more explanations and emotions, and iron out the details to clear thing sup with your reader.
~Wickedwonder
Hey Pointe, I'm here to review!
Okay, so I have to admit that I was really confused, mostly during the prologues. They felt very abrupt and disjointed. I had nothing to picture, no idea who the characters are, where they are, and what's going on. I know that you put the terms in a spoiler, but honestly, in a book you shouldn't have to do that. You should integrate the information through dialogue or description, so that the reader figures it out from that instead of just being given a list of terms that we have to "memorize."
Another thing -- Annalane says the name Draco just before Marco kisses her. Was this a mistake; was she supposed to be saying Marco's name instead? Is Draco actually Marco? Is she merely going to say something about Draco before Marco interrupts her? I'm quite lost in regards to what this is supposed to be; I was under the impression that this was a fanfic of Draco and Hermione, but I guess I'm wrong. That being said, I'm also not sure how much of this is supposed to be based on Harry Potter. You use a lot of similar terms and names, but just enough difference to render me completely lost.
Marco's POV is rather hard for me to read; it's very disjointed and just doesn't make for an easy read. I'm sorry, but I think there needs to be some cleaning up. I'd suggest reading some books, especially the Harry Potter ones, and just getting a feel for how it should sound.
I absolutely love the concept, and I think this could turn out to be a very interesting story. Best of luck to the two of you! Please PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
review people review!!!