Reality

Hey, i know you've gotten some crticism but overall i liked the topic and where you were going with this poem. well done

I think for your age and the idea that is presented are a little of center. Your idea of reality is just that reality. You have created a false sense, thus leading me into a weird path of confusion. The editing done by the others is great though. Consider what they say and go back and edit. Editing is the key to all great works.

I love the idea you were trying to reach, I just dont think you accomplished it.:/
I'm sorry but i'm going to be very blunt.
the poem could of been a fantastic Poem i just dont think you were really feeling what you were writing.
Maybe you just didnt want to express everything you were feeling.
To let you know though poems are ment to express your feelings, If you feel uncomftorable expressing a subject then you shouldnt write about it.
I hope my advice helps.
Thanks.
Lindsey Ann<3

Hey dear, Flow here as requested! New huh, well welcome to the site! Anyway now down to the review.

Ok so I like the second, I guess you would call it stanza, better than the first. I think that you use a lot of repition, which can be good, but I think you overused it. I think with leaving out some of it, it would sound much better. I will give some demonstrations below. Anyway besides that I do like the concept of this. You gave descriptions, but they arn't anything new. I think that you are more than capable of spicing this up a bit. You could use stonger words and put the senses into play. I also think metaphors play an important part in a poem. I'll leave my other comments on the poem itself.

poemsandstories13 wrote:I am falling. It should be "I'm" here not I am.
Falling, You can eliminate this. It doesn't give a good effect. It kind of slows down your poem, and this one woudl sound better fast.
Past clouds and birds. I think on the first line you should put a comma and then delete the capital letter here.
I am in control. I love the feeling of control haha but I never have it.
Flying through the air.
Flying,
like I've always wanted.
I am free! Free from what. You don't really tell us.
Free. Eliminate this free. If you wish that is, it's totally up to you.
I find myself laughing.
Laughing Eliminate.
And yet,
I am flying in descent.
The ground is getting closer.
Closer.
And I am thrown back into,
Reality. I like the last few lines here. It's like a big dose of reality, and I think that you could put in a metaphor here and it would make this much more powerful.

Reality
That makes you cry,
Makes you regret.
Lasting throughout the sunlight hours, You completely change scenes here. I would lead up to a different scene.
Reality is tiring.
As the sun goes down,
The time is coming
Where you can escape.
Escape to where
you want to go.
Where if it resembles reality
You can just
Wake up.

Hey there! First off, I would like to say hello. Secondly, to critique your poem I have to say I'm going to be harsh. Do not fret, I will try not to make ya cry (;

Okay first off, the poem is short. This could be a good thing if your poem reaches deep into the soul or your using big words. Sadly, you're not. Your poem is (no offence) is bland to me. I can't feel the emotion of this poem. I feel nothing, the poem is just a bunch of mixed up words. Why should people care about your poem? You care about your poem, make the readers care too!

You tell us that you are flying and that you are laughing, what does this have to do with reality? What part of this makes it reality? Be creative here, use words that make the reader say "huh, interesting choice of words." Also, not to be a punctuation nazi you are using too many commas. Yes, commas are your friends but so are periods. They can change your poem drastically!

****

I am falling.
falling past clouds and birds.
I am in control.
Flying through the air.
Flying,
like I've always wanted.
I am free!
Free.
I find myself laughing.
Laughing and yet,
I am flying in descent.
The ground is getting closer.
Closer.
And I am thrown back into,
Reality.

***
See? So much better! Don't forget, they much have taught you this in grade school you shouldn't always start a sentence with "and".

Good luck and keep writing

-Soggy