1. Unexpected Arrivals
"Bianca, Bianca," Lee called, as he swung his feet back and forth. I was dreaming, and I knew it – the haze of a forgotten memory. Not quite clear, but clear enough to understand. I could see myself. My light brown hair shone in the sunlight, my cheeks naturally rosy and held high by my smile. This was me, not my current self but my six-year-old self – I looked happy. I hadn’t been this happy in over eleven years. Lee looked happy too. He had always been the bright light that shone through any darkness in our lives. He was my anchor; I'd have been lost without him.
“Come on B, sit with me.”
I giggled and ran towards my best friend as he sat on the stairs of my old house. It wasn’t a large house, but it was cozy. Lee lived next door with his mother and father. We’d known each other all our lives. Most people called us inseparable but we didn’t mind; we preferred it that way.
"Uh-huh," I mumbled. On the verge of waking up, my mental haze slowly disappeared as…
Beep…Beep…Beep… The annoying sound of the alarm clock brought me back. The only thing worse than the alarm clock buzzer was the fact it was Tuesday, which unfortunately meant school. I attended Jasper Heights High, which was ridiculously small, but I attended with Lee, which made it tolerable – just barely. Lee and his dad, Paul, had moved here with me when I was 7. My mum for some unfortunate reason had kicked me out and they had taken me in without hesitation; they were my family now.
“Lee!” I shouted. He'd be up, no doubt. “Save me some eggs!”
“OK!” His voice crept through the floorboard of the second story.
I laughed. He always used all the eggs when he cooked breakfast; Paul and me always had to go without.
In Jasper Heights, it almost always rained, but today the sun was shining straight through my curtains. I got up to peak out the window, from which I could see most of Jasper Heights and, in the distance, the mountains that shielded our town – not that the town need shielding; it was relatively safe.
“Hmm,” I mumbled. I was missing a book. I was sure I'd put it on the bookshelf last night, but it wasn’t there. I searched everywhere: under my bed, on my bedside table, in my cupboard. Nothing. My room hadn't changed since I got here. My double bed sat in the middle alongside my nightstand. The only new addition was the bookcase Paul had made me. It stood against the red walls on the far side of the room. I only had a small room, which was why I didn’t have to search long to know the book definitely wasn’t in there.
“Lee! Have you seen my book?”
“Umm, which one?”
“Dracula!” I loved Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I loved it enough to buy a French version too.
“Oh yeah, I have it."
“Wh-” I was about to ask why he had it. After all, I was reading it just last night.
"I woke up early and needed something to read."
I guess that explained it, not that he'd have much luck reading it. After all, it was in French.
"Now hurry up and get downstairs. I cooked scrambled eggs and they won't stay warm forever."
“Coming.” I was still in my pajamas but I could change later. I rarely got scrambled eggs.
By the time I raced downstairs, Lee had already finished half of my plate.
"Lee," I whined. I rarely whined but I was hungry and they smelled delicious. “Why couldn’t you hold on for a couple of seconds? I’m starved.”
He slid the plate across the table. "Here."
"Thanks." I grabbed a fork and plopped one of the clumps into my mouth. It tasted as good as it smelled. I savoured it for a bit since I had less then half a plate left. "Mmm…tasty."
“You’re an idiot,” Lee said chuckling. I merely rolled my eyes. I was enjoying this to much to open my mouth.
“Do you need a lift to school today?”
I shook my head. May as well enjoy the weather why it lasted. It didn’t take long to get ready. I chucked on a pair of jeans, my favourite blue singlet and my denim jacket. It might have been sunny but it was still breezy. I checked the clock – eight-fifteen. I would be late.
“Lee, have you left?” Silence. I ran downstairs to find my book. There was a note on the table.
B,
Left Dracula on the couch in the living room.
See you this afternoon,
Lee
That answered it. I ran into the living room, grabbed my book and headed to school. As I entered the car park, I noticed it was emptier then usual. There was, however, a group of students sitting around a rusty cream-coloured Volkswagen. One was Jeremy. Jeremy was, and would probably always be, one of the most disgusting people I knew. Thankfully, I was in a hurry and didn’t have the pleasure of sticking around.
The bell rang as I raced to history. Lucky everyone was too preoccupied even to see me slip in and take my seat at the back. They all huddled around a desk at the very front. Even Tasha, who was a quiet girl, was interested in the person who sat across the front of the now crowded classroom.
A couple minutes later, everything settled down.
“Now, now, everyone, if you would please take your seats.” Ms. Clark entered the room. “I know you’re all excited to see some new faces, but still, I have a class to teach."
Gwen and Peyton giggled as they took their seats.
“He’s gorgeous.” Gwen whispered as she opened her notebook.
“I know, and apparently he’s Jeremy’s cousin.” The excitement in Peyton’s voice mimicked Gwen’s.
Incredibly, they actually thought this was a good thing. I snorted a laugh. Peyton turned and glared. This didn’t bother me; Gwen’s reaction, however, surprised me. One eyebrow rose as her eyes widened – she was shocked. For some reason this disturbed me more than Gwen’s callous stare. Had she heard my voice before? Did she just realize what I sounded like? It certainly seemed that way.
After the aftershock of Gwen’s reaction, the lesson went slowly. She and Peyton whispered thoughts of our new arrival when the bell rang – time to escape to freedom.
“I heard that he was an orphan." A little blonde-haired junior whispered to his group of friends as I flowed through the corridor.
“But I thought he lived with his mum,” the small brunette standing with him said.
“Noooo.”
Then it continued. All through trig, this was all I heard, and again at lunch, all they talked about was him. I skipped out to the parking lot as the day ended. Aw man. Lee stood right next to him and his shiny red pick-up truck.
“Unbelievable,” I muttered as I stalked past.
Jasper Heights High was a small school, but the impact this boy had was remarkable. One new kid changed the reactions of everyone, even my best friend. He was an outcast. Why did that have to change now?
“Hey B, do you want a lift home?” He shouted over their heads. No one even looked in my direction. Did they know my name?
I shook my head and walked out the gate. I’d talk to him later.
*****
Beep…Beep…Beep…
“Argh!” I rolled over and pulled the pillow over my head. Wednesday mornings just sucked, especially after the day I had yesterday. The sun shone yet again as I got up. Probably a bad omen seeing as it rained almost 98% of the time here.
It started drizzling the minute I walked around the corner. By the time I arrived at school I was drenched. I combed my fingers through my hair to drain some of the water, further saturating my clothes, and I ended up walking into English soaked. Gwen sat at the back of the room and combed the knots out of her glossy black hair. A few desks ahead of her, Trudy was studying. Like me, Trudy never really talked to anyone. We spoke a few words occasionally but we never really tried to become friends.
“Bianca, hey,” Gwen said as I sat next to her. I waved. This was the first time she had ever greeted me personally – probably be the last time too. Gwen giggled as I grabbed my textbook out of my bag.
“He’s looking at you,” she whispered.
I followed her glance to pinpoint exactly whom she meant. Oh…the new guy.
This was the first time I’d ever clearly seen him. He was soaked just like the rest of us. His chestnut-coloured hair had little drops of dew in it, which he'd clearly tried to dry before he came to class. Most of us looked like drowned cats because of the weather. He on the other hand looked as if he’d been shooting a hair gel commercial. Even his deep brown eyes sparkled. His cheeks flushed - probably from the rain.
Gwen giggled again as he sat right in front of us. I looked away a little rosy, uncertain how long I’d been looking at him. I didn’t even notice the pile of students that now filled the classroom. To my disliking, Jeremy also decided to sit right in front of us.
“Where’s Peyton?” I whispered to Gwen once the class had taken their seats.
“She’s sick.”
“Urrrp!” Jeremy belched.
“Gross,” Gwen and I whined. He had no sense of hygiene. Luckily, the air conditioner was near us, so we didn’t have to have the pleasure of smelling the scents that came out of his mouth, or the scents that came out the other end of him.
A couple of the boys laughed.
"Hey, Bianca," Jeremy said. He and the new kid spun their chairs towards our table.
I laughed as Gwen fidgeted in her chair. "Hi, Jeremy." I didn’t care that annoyance coloured my tone – he really was a pain.
“Aw be nice,” he whined.
"Like anyone would be nice to you."
The new kid laughed as Jeremy's grin became a scowl. Ha!
The new kid moved his chair closer. "Hey, I'm Tyler."
“Bianca,” I said, shaking his hand. I hadn’t noticed it before, but as I looked up at him, I noticed that every figure had turned to see what was going on.
"Nice to meet you." He was so unlike Jeremy that it was hard to believe they were related.
"Oh, she's very happy to meet you," Gwen interrupted rather excitedly. "I'm Gwen. Nice to meet you, Tyler."
I laughed. Her intentions couldn't have been clearer. She was already leaning halfway across the table towards him – cutting Jeremy off from the conversation. I tried to suppress a smile, as Jeremy still scowled. Gwen didn’t even seem to notice, her eyes fixed keenly on Tyler's.
“Everyone be quiet!” Mrs. Ronan yelled. She was an old teacher who looked almost wicked, but those of us in her class new better. She was kind-hearted and always seemed to know exactly what to say to resolve a situation. It was no secret that English was one of my favourite lessons because of her.
She carried in a bunch of books, some of which I recognized, some of which I'd always wanted to read: Pride and Prejudice, Wuthering Heights, Romeo and Juliet. Most were classics, and only a few had been written in the last decade.
Everyone groaned, for we knew full well that she hadn't brought them in for fun. She would definitely assign them to us.
"Now, now, this isn’t going to be bad.” She ignored the moans and groans.
“Whatever.” A black-haired boy grumbled. Mrs. Ronan went straight to him and handed him a copy of Frankenstein. He didn’t look that upset; he looked rather intrigued. She walked around and handed us each a book as she explained our new assignment.
“Yea!” Gwen squealed when she received her book. "I've always wanted to read this."
She examined the book's cover. It was Romeo and Juliet, in my opinion it suited her well, just as Frankenstein had suited the black-haired boy. I received The Host; I didn’t know what that said about me. I'd previously read this book about an alien girl who searched for humans, because she didn't fit in with the other aliens. I guess Mrs. Ronan thought I was like this. She handed out most of the books based on what she thought suited us best. Jeremy got Wuthering Heights. Ha! I guess she thought Jeremy most exemplified the character of Heathcliff. I had to agree with her there - they were both evil. Tyler got Dracula. I didn’t see any resemblances between him and the malicious count. Maybe he was more like Jonathan or Lucy, the victims in the story.
It was raining as the bell finally rang for lunch. Lee would be waiting in the dining hall for me – as always. I wasn't hungry though, and I didn’t want to sit in a stuffy room full of people who wouldn’t notice if I entered. I preferred to sit in the corridors and listen to the rain as it pelted against the roof. Its echoes comforted me and relieved some of the stress that had been building, which made everything clearer.
I rested on one of the benches in the corridor. I considered reading The Host but I'd be able to finish it in a couple of days, and the assignment wouldn't be due for a while. I read Dracula instead. I'd just completed the ninth chapter when I noticed a figure sitting at the end of the hallway. Goosebumps rose as paranoia set in. I should have quit reading vampire books – they too easily gave me the creeps. My eyes shifted every few seconds as I became freakishly aware of the shadow. It moved only slightly as several minutes passed.
Muffled voices rose from the dining hall, and I tried to block them out, along with my paranoia – no simple task. I returned to the book and looked only occasionally over the pages, to sneak a peek at the shadow. No movement. No sound. People would appear soon. My breathing hitched as their voices echoed around me.
Then it moved. My breath stopped. My common sense told me not to be scared, but my body didn't listen. All I could think was…fight or flight? Maybe my imagination just ran wild. It usually did.
I sighed as I recognized the shadow.
“You gave me a fright.” He sighed too.
“Ha, who’d you think I was, Tyler?” Luckily, he didn’t notice my voice shake.
"Umm." He hesitated. "It's kind of stupid.”
“Try me.”
“A vampire.”
I laughed, but my voice broke and gave me away. His amused look puzzled me.
“Ha! I guess I’m not the only one with a crazy imagination.”
My cheeks flushed as I snorted a nervous laugh.
“I'd better go to class,” he said once people started swarming around us. “Bye, I guess. Will I see you later?"
“Yeah. Small school. We're bound to run into each other.”
I smiled as he stuffed a copy of Dracula into his bag. Maybe Wednesdays weren’t as bad as I thought.
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Hey guys,
In truth i wrote this about 7 months ago straight after I read twilight. I know exactly what your talking about - and that was my problem with this peice of writing, it was so a knock of from twilight. Since then i'm been working on a number of peices but i just wanted to see what you guys thought. As to the spelling - I'm australian so that influences the spelling of some words.
So, you have a discerning English teacher who usually recommends classics to her students, and she hands the main character The Host by Stephanie Meyer. I'm sorry. That just completely killed my suspension of disbelief and affixed the label of "yet another Twilight ripoff" onto your story.
That said, I'll be critiquing you with an emphasis on how to keep you from emulating Twilight.
Firstly, style. Do you really need all those semicolons? No. You don't. Now, this isn't to say you can't use semicolons; just use them sparingly. As far as grammar is concerned, you did use them properly, for the most part. You just used them far too often and without clear reason, and it makes it really obvious to anyone that has read Twilight that you are emulating Meyer's style.
There is only one Meyer in this world, and you are not she. Don't force yourself to write like her; find your own style and voice, instead. Experiment with different ways of telling the same story, take a look at the things other writers have written, and pay attention to what you find effective or yawn-worthy. If you don't expand your horizons, you'll only be limiting yourself, and your writing will suffer.
Concerning the characters, they feel very fake and unrealistic, not to mention cliche, the narrator especially. Characters are the most important element in a story for me, and I'll even read stories with terrible grammar if the characters interest me enough. Unfortunately for you, your characters do not interest me at all. If one of them were to randomly get savaged by some brutal creature, I wouldn't care one bit. In fact, I'd probably yawn.
If nothing else, work on your characters. Unique and memorable characters can make even the most boring and cliche plot interesting and enjoyable to read.
Very very cliche phrasing to the point of being trite. Also, this had me wondering if this story would be better placed under romance. Considering how obviously influenced by Meyer this story is, I doubt I'm mistaken.
These lines also are a good example of how you have very little description. You tell us things, especially the characters' appearances and personalities, rather than describe them to us. How, exactly, does the narrator know Lee is happy? Is he smiling? Humming? Dancing? In addition, you lump all this telling into huge chunks instead of breaking up these tidbits of information throughout the rest of the story. This is a type of infodumping, and it is not pleasant to read, even when it is comprised of vivid descriptions.
Also, your attempts at foreshadowing failed miserably. Foreshadowing should be subtle. Yours hit like a fluorescing neon brick.
I also spotted a number of basic spelling/grammar mistakes scattered throughout. The good thing was that there weren't many, though you should see about fixing them. Print out the story on paper if you have trouble spotting mistakes on the screen if you must; just be sure to clearly mark the spots that need fixing. A red (or other brightly colored) pen works very well.
Well, that said, I suggest you take a break from writing this story, just until u stop thinking about Twilight constantly, before coming back to it. Flesh out your characters so that they sound and act like real people, so that they don't do whatever is convenient for the plot just because it's convenient for the plot.
Don't get discouraged; writing isn't as easy as most people think. You at least have a solid foundation when it comes to writing coherent and grammatically correct sentences.
I don't mean to be rude but it sounds just like a bad knckoff of Twilight and just like twilight it's not a memorable read and I couldent careless about your/stephines charectors.
My main problem with the story is it sounds like you just finished reading twilight and you want to wright a book that some people consiyer to be good. Just like twilight it doesn't really have a story line besides speaking to love straved Tweens and teens. Try writing about charectors that you came up with.