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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really loved the wording in this poem. I thought the way you addressed the concept was extremely interesting. The punctuation definitely took away from the poem, so maybe take some of it out if you can. I loved how the imagery was broken up with interesting medical words. Because the words are ones that people don't hear often, it makes the poem feel almost mysterious. Like here is this person that is hurt and you want to feel bad for them and you do because all the strange words induce fear and a terrifying pity and a strange sense of complete unknowing of what is going on in this injured persons body.
I thought it was just the right length, but some line breaks should be made throughout that large stanza. In the first line, I would say you should leave it as just "temporal fractures" and take out that first word. It sounds cool, but you should start the poem with something more noticeable to the reader, if you don't it might make them turn away and not read it. I would also say that you should make "Vehicle-ejection" its own line because it is something that helps the reader to understand what is happening and it is kind of a turning point in the poem. I would also say that you should add a touch more imagery because right now, the medical stuff overpowers your descriptions. I think it would sound better the other way around, if you make the descriptions more vital to the poem, and have the medical sayings be additions that make the poem unique.
My last piece of advice is to make the entire poem have no punctuation and no capital letters. I think the subject matter calls for low key grammar when it comes to punctuation. If you think about someone who is hurt, they wouldn't focus on the punctuation and capitalization, but rather on the ideas and feelings that the words convey. I think the poem would become twice as powerful if you took all punctuation and capitalization out, left the stanzas as indented as they are now, and broke it up a little more.
You have a great poem here, good luck, and message me if you have any questions.
Emmylou
Thank You! The punctuation comes from a technical accident/medical report. There was a rhythm to this report at least, and I thought I should fill in the gaps with more beats, like drumming in time with turn signal clicks.
This is written very well. I'm not sure how I feel about the excess punctuation, but other than that, this is pretty swell. I particularly like:
"Two feet away and all alone
In the streets and in the skies
With a broken heart
And fading eyes."
Beautiful.
And the rhyme scheme...gah, I love it. It's stilted but in a perfect, organic way that makes the poem mesh and breathe. It hits all the right notes, basically. While your actual story/theme may be nothing new, I don't think it matters at all, seeing as it drowns within your incredible concept and wording. The whole thing flows very well, and I just love it.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xx
Thanks!