Published January 30, 2013
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Hey there Pletta! I'm going to give you a quick stanza by stanza review. After that I'll summarize my feelings about the poem. I hope my review is helpful!
She asks about girls, and school, and work,
With her mouth,
So slow and careful,
Your poem is off to a nice start. Nothing much to critique on this paragraph.
With eyes like outstretched hands
that flit like timid birds,
This stanza was beautifully written. But it represents an abstract idea, and I can't quite grasp what you are trying to illustrate. While the wording is wonderful, the stanza's meaning was lost to me.
She’d like to cry or laugh or scream
or do anything but talk about dad,
Beautiful, just beatiful! That is all.
For now though
I let her,
Like Hannah, I like the framing of this poem. I just think you should merge this line with the next.
And drink,
Dinner talk
is no place,
For ruptured stomachs
and shredded lungs,
This is another stanza where the meaning was lost in the abstract imagery.
At least
not from her baby,
So I talk about girls, and school, and work and nothing real.
These last lines are my favorite part! You do a great job telling a really beautiful, interesting story. I like the way the story is broken up so that we can take it in pieces. This really emphasizes each little detail. Just try not to let your meaning get lost in the abstract imagery. I thoroughly enjoyed your poem, and I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the awesome work!
I really, really like this poem. I like the framing method, especially, because it serves to take us out and bring us back into the action that's going on that we're not ever going to see and don't really want to. It's like a moment that this speaker is tuning out of the conversation to think about how he/she really feels, and then tuning back in. It's a beautiful, quiet, thoughtful moment, and for that I love it.
I think, though, there's some weird problem with me following the logic? I don't know if it's the logic problem or mine. Like, at first I was put off by the eyes turning into hands, but then I saw how that could work, so I nodded along, but I didn't understand how she wants to do anything but talk about dad, and the next line says the speaker lets her, which in logical sentence order means the speaker lets her talk about dad. So what does the speaker really let her do?
The second confusing part is that there's suddenly a baby. I don't know if suddenly there's a THIRD her that's modifying the baby, because at first read through, it seems the subject has the baby. I guess this seems unrelated, since I think the poem is about the two girls' relationship with their father.
Is it not, and instead about this speaker's little sister's early pregnancy and how they're avoiding talking about an absent father? I guess that seems like something too specific to fit in these simple, silent terms. If you were going for a narrative like that, we need a little bit more hints. When you say just "dad", it's normal to go straight for the dad who is our dad, but if you mean her baby's dad, then you might say "or do anything but talk about a dad". That gives your reader a tip, and we're not so confused when we get to the baby at the end.
Otherwise, if it's about the sisters' (??) dad, I don't quite get why it's a touchy subject. I think the key still lies in that part with the baby, but I'd need a hint the other way, too. As of right now, everything is completely too vague for me to get into the poem. I like the moment, the frame, as I said, and I think this simple style will work well to quietly make your point, but we do need some specifics to get in on it with you.
PM me if you have questions or comments, please!
Good luck and keep writing~~
Hullo there! Spark, here to review!
So first off I notice that you don't have any periods. And that's sad, because periods need homes too! Since you're using commas, I can't decide if it's a style choice or if you really didn't know where to put them, and if it's the former, disregard the things below, but if it's the latter, pay attention.
You've got a really weird formatting that disrupts the flow and makes it difficult for your reader. It's very disjointed, and a little uneven.
Now, doesn't that look better and feel better? I think it does. Moving on.
That 'And Drink' is really out of place. You don't talk about eating, you don't talk about anything similar. You just say 'And drink' and then jump to something else. It's really hard to understand when your reader is muddling through this hodge podge of thoughts.
I feel like the 'dinner talk' line feels weird because you don't think of it as dinner talk per say. It feels like it should be 'the dinner table is no place to talk of...'
Doesn't that look better? It doesn't confuse me either, because it's a term I'm used too. When you're trying to be original, don't overwhelm us with things we don't understand.
Whoa, ruptured lungs? That escalated quickly.
Really, it did. It came out of nowhere and took us by surprise, which I like, but I think you need to explain this more. Because you say it, but then you don't say anything else, and it's the kind of poem where you could explain it without too much difficulty.
I don't understand the 'at least not from her baby' part. How old is the narrator? It's a confusing line, and I don't even know why really. If I were you, I'd delete it all together.
The end and beginning though, those are my favorites. I love those lines, because they're so clean and simple, and they give you this feeling that everyone's hiding behind masks.
It's a good poem, dear, but it could be grand. You just have to work on the fundamentals a bit.
If you have any questions, let me know! xx
~Spark