Published July 2, 2015
In my dining room
There are two worn chairs
And a tree-trunk table between them.
On the two worn chairs
Sit me
And my mother
With the tree-trunk table between us.
I gaze into her
But she looks up or down
I long for just one look
At her avoiding blue eyes
That reflect
The tree-trunk table between us.
In my mother's sapphires
There is so much
I desire
And as she fixes down
On the tree-trunk table between us
I know
She is trying to make me invisible.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
First can I just say that this poem is amazing.
I really like repetition, I know I say this a lot on reviews but to me, its just a really simple way to convey a meaning, draw attention to a subject. Through your use of repeating "the tree-trunk table between us." you just continually draw our attention to it, and with this repetition we can see the effect it has on the narrator and their mother. It is driving a wedge between them, separating them from each other and its just really powerful for us to read.
I really like how the narrator is in a constant want for her mothers affection, always looking into her eyes, yet never meeting them. This... It just seems so real to me, you captured the essence of it perfectly.
Overall I really loved this poem and you have wrote a great piece. I hope to see more from you in the future.
wow! loved this poem, I like the simplicity it seems to over, I believe the very simple language throughout just amplifies the descriptions of the mothers eyes as everything else is not described as much .
It truly shows you the intense staring that the writer is going through as they are so focused on the eyes, and trying to get their attention. I also thought the repetition was very well done as it makes the reader focus on the distance between there two characters, the use of 'tree-trunk' also implies a very large strain between them.
If I had one critic, and its often one of my own faults as well. It is to punctuate more as it just makes it easier to read aloud and generally gives the reader more understanding as how the poem is to be read, whether its suppose to be slow and drawn out or quick and to the point but other than that it was a pleasure to read and I hope to read some more of your work soon.
I love how this poem uses more of a rhythmic pattern than a rhyming scheme. It makes it a very interesting read. Just a few miniscule nit-picks though!
1) "I gaze into her" because my mind didn't realize that gazing into her was actually the description, I was a little startled when the sentence broke off without further ado such as "I gaze into her eyes" or "her soul" or something like that. I had to go back and reread it again, but felt as though it described it even better as is than what I laid out above. I feel like this person is searching not just their mother's eyes or soul, but her whole being. I absolutely loved it.
2) "I long for one last look" After I read the whole poem I was a little confused as I thought at first that this was going to be the person's last look at their mother and the reason she was avoiding their eyes was because she was sad or something. Maybe replacing the words "one last" with "just one" would work out better, but it might sound differently in your head.
3)"There is so much/I desire/And as she fixes down" If it doesn't interrupt the flow in your opinion, I would like to suggest just a few changes to this. "I desire" while very to the point sounds a bit too short. I might say "That I desire". Likewise just simply saying "down" isn't the most accurate in my experience and I would therefore say "downward".
However this is not my work and I don't want to try and recreate what you hear.
4) "the tree-trunk table between us" I love how this was the resounding object that this poem revolved around. It gave the poem dimension beyond just the "sapphires". Often time repeated phrases can sound a bit too, well, repeated, with hardly any emotion or drive behind them. I feel like you nailed this perfectly.
5) "She is trying to make me invisible" The ending was what struck me the most. There really aren't very many words for this other than "AWESOME", "AWESTRUCK" or "WHAT?!?!?"
I can't wait to see more from you as I feel like you are a very promising writer. I don't see much of this style floating around on YWS, so I'm very happy to have found this work.
One more thing . . .
*Busts out party poppers*
WELCOME TO YWS!!!
~RagingLive
Thank you so much for your response, it really meant a lot. I've been playing around with this quite a bit today and I agree maybe it still does need work so thanks so much for your tip
-plathonstone
Glad I could help!
~RagingLive
What a beautiful poem this is! It can be a very frustrating thing; trying to get someone's attention. That is why your sense of value must come from inside yourself and not from someone else. You have to be strong enough to not let anyone else's perception of who you are bring down your tower of self-esteem. Everyone deserves to know and to believe that they are wonderfully made, lovable person, and have an important purpose on this amazing Earth. Again this is a very moving poem. Thank you for sharing it with me.
---> Merrysleuth