z

Young Writers Society


12+

Rats Happening- Chapter 2

by plagueratbabe


  Middle of the night, tossing and turning, half of her covers were already on the floor, but no matter how hard she tried, Friday couldn't sleep. She had already been staying with Ratty D for a few nights now and was ever so grateful for her hospitality and kindness. Flipping onto her back and staring up at the ceiling, she decided to do what would probably get her in a lot of trouble, but she didn't know what else to do. 

  Friday and Ratty D had talked about many things in the days they had been together, but one thing D had made sure to tell Friday, was to stay out of her bedroom. When Fri had asked her why, Ratty D would simply shake her head and sip her tea or give her a different reason every time. Tiptoeing as carefully as she could, her little claws scraping gently on the floor, she made her way down the long and winding hallway to Ratty Ds room. She knew it would stupid to disobey but the little street rat never did listen and Friday didn't see in harm in maybe just knocking, seeing if she was awake too so they could talk. She raised a paw to knock on her door, only to find that it was already slightly ajar.

  "What the hell?..." she whispered to herself. Feeling daring, her heart pounding, Friday peered into the room she had been denied access to. It was big, a red glow over the room, a soft and big bed in the center with red, silky covers. There was lots of mirrors and a chandlier and many other adornments. It was all so elegant and beautiful, quintessentially Ratty D, but it didn't stop Friday from noticing that D wasn't in her bed. With another leap of bravado and confidence, she pushed the door open a little further, daring to peer her whole head in while still remaining hidden behind the dresser. The sight she saw nearly made her jaw drop and made her tail stick straight out.

 She saw D at the other end of the room, pulling up thigh high stockings on her long legs. She wore a garter belt, a very short and lacy little pair of panties with a matching bra and a small black ribbon tied to her tail. Her makeup was done dramatically and very sexily, Friday watched as she finished applying her lipstick and putting on a pair of gorgeous kitten heels.

  Friday was enamored and entranced, but one question lingered at the back of her mind, what on earth was she doing?! When she noticed D heading for the door, Friday scurried back to her room on all fours, pulling the door behind her with her tail. She watched from her own room as D exited, wrapped her nearly naked self in a fur coat, locked her room behind her, and headed for the front door of the house.

  Friday quietly scurried out of her room, making her paw steps as quiet as possible so she could follow the other girl and see what she was up too. Once she saw D was out the door, Friday waited a minute or two before exiting herself and following her.

  She used her past knowledge of life on the street to climb up to the roof of their home and here, she had a perfect view of D walking down the street. Friday jumped and climbed, moving in anyway she could to keep following D, but stay hidden from her. After a while of walking, Friday saw she walked up to a bar that in big, neon lights said, "The Stinky Cheese: Happy Hour featuring the best girls around!" Friday knew of this bar from her street days, skeevy men of all species would come for the lewd and scantily clad dancers and strippers that performed. But what was D doing in there?

  Once she saw the other girl enter, Friday scurried in after her, quickly choosing a booth in the back to sit in, making sure D wouldn't see her. Before she could do anything, music began to blare, a voice on the speakers rang out:

 "You know her, you love her, give it up for the queen of hearts, Ratty D!" On stage, the curtains pulled back and there was Ratty D, in her fancy lingere, swaying her hips to the beat of the music, lipsyncing and pouting her cute lips. She moved her body tantalizingly, making Friday's mouth water. Friday shifted in her seat, crossing her legs as she watched the show played out in front of her.

  She turned as red as the heart on her cheek when she saw D beginning to strip, removing a piece of clothing on every downbeat. Ratty D danced out into the audience, picking a young male cat out, straddling his hips and pulling at his tie as she sang and continued to dance. Oh how Friday wished she could be that cat, she burned with jealousy.

 Once she noticed D heading towards the back of the bar, Friday decided that it was time to make her exit, she didn't want to leave,she was enjoying the show very much, but she certainly didn't want D to see her. She scurried back home as quick as she could, running into her room and into bed, making it in mere moments before she heard the door unlock and assumed it was D coming back from her show.

 If Friday couldn't sleep before, she certainly wasn't able to sleep now, her mind flustered and in heat. Friday had seen D looking very gorgeous and elegant, but seeing her like this made Friday feel strangely good. Her heart beat fast, her furry little cheeks were flushed, the tip of her tail curled into a heart like it always did whenever she was happy. She felt quite guilty and ashamed for thinking such thoughts about her dear friend, but Friday couldn't help herself! Her look, her scent, her dance, it was all too much for Friday's little heart and she fell for her charms!

  Drifting off into a dream where Ratty D was dancing for no one else but her, Friday fell asleep happy.  She awoke the next morning with her mohawk of white hair in a mess and feeling groggy. Stepping out into the hallway, she could hear D in the kitchen, humming a little tune. It didn't seem like she had spotted Friday at the show last night and Friday certainly wasn't going to tell her that she was there.  They ate breakfast together and talked.

  "Sleep well?" Friday asked, knowing they were both out very late last night. On the contrary, D smiled and nodded, her eyes bright and awake.

   "Oh yes, quite well." she said happily. "Very sweet dreams. And you? I hope the bed in the back   room is alright, I'm sorry I don't really have a proper setup for you!"

     "It's perfect! Compared to the alleys I used to sleep in, any bed feels like a cloud!" and the two of them laughed. The days seemed to carry on like this and Friday and Ratty D grew closer and truly enjoyed each others company. But the nights were quite different, Friday would press her big ear to her door, waiting to hear when Ratty D came out of her room and out the front door to her gig at the bar. Once she was out the door, Friday would follow her and watch her show from the back of the bar, wishing she could get a dance from her and get close to her.  Finally, one night, she had enough of being worked up and flustered by Ratty D's teasing. Friday had an idea.

      Living on the streets meant she had picked up a lot of valuable skills in many different trades, so Friday had become somewhat of a wild card. One of the things she had picked up from the other girls living on the streets, was how to do her makeup. She never had enough money to afford makeup, so she would make due with what she could, using things like charcoal for eyeliner or strawberry jam as lipstick. Makeup did make her look pretty, but it also came in handy if the hood rat ever needed a quick disguise, just like tonight. 

      Locking herself in the bathroom, Friday began her transformation. Taking a bottle of fur grease, she slicked back her mowhawk as flat as she could. Using a tube of grey grease paint, she covered the tell tale heart on her cheek to blend in with the rest of her fur. Using her claws to tease up the fur around her cheeks. she poofed it up until it resembled somewhat of a beard. Using charcoal, she outlined the harder parts of her face like her muzzle and her jawline, masculinizing her completely. And for the final touch, tape around her chest to hide her breasts and an oversized tee shirt to cover her curves.  She looked like any typical boy rat heading into the bar for a drink.

    Once she was sure Ratty D had gone out first, the new, masculine Friday strutted out, proud of her disguise. When she walked into the bar, she didn't hide in the back like normally, she strutted straight to the front, looking as eager as the rest of the males up there. Her heart beat fast as the music began and Ratty D came out onto stage. A new confidence overtook Friday in her masculine persona and she locked eyes with Ratty D, crooking her claw and calling her over. The other girl danced over happily, swaying her hips and straddling her new "male" customer, running her paws all over her. 

    Friday grabbed D by her waist and watched her through hooded eyelids as she danced, tossing her head back and groaning at having her so close. Friday felt so guilty, this was her friend after all, but she couldn't help it! She was so worked up and in heat, distracted at the dancing girl on her hips, she didn't notice the sweat starting to roll off her fur, smudging her makeup and making the grease paint run, causing her hair to poof up again, her cheek fur to smooth down, and the signature heart to be revealed. Ratty D stepped back when she noticed that little flash of red on her cheek and saw her heart. 

     "Friday?!" She gasped, her eyes big and her paws covering her chest. Shaken out of her lust filled daze, Friday raised a paw to her cheek and felt the grease paint had smudged, her disguise was ruined and she had been caught. She was so embarrassed at having her identity blown, she scurried out of the bar and ran home before D could say anything. Back in her room, Friday wiped her face of the last of the makeup, fixed her hair and fur, and removed the tape from her chest. She sat in her room, paws shaking with nerves, waiting for Ratty D to get back home, wondering what on earth she was going to say to her.....

   

       

           

  

     


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 12011
Reviews: 212

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:51 pm
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hey there, plagueratbabe! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review this chapter for you during the last half-hour of Review Day! ^^

First off, I can see a few disjointed or incomplete sentences. Especially this first line;

Middle of the night, tossing and turning, half of her covers were already on the floor, but no matter how hard she tried, Friday couldn't sleep.


Don't get me wrong, it's good. But it needs rewriting. I'm not sure if this is your writing style or not, but something about this sentence bugs me. And not in a good way. It's entirely too long, it doesn't really capture my attention or hook me, and it looks like multiple sentences mushed into one. I know it's a second chapter, but it's still early on in the novel, and if you can't keep someone's attention past the first chapter, you won't keep anyone's attention. A good novel needs to capture your reader's attention in the first line, paragraph or chapter, and then keep it as they turn pages. Perhaps rewording this first line would help? Maybe something like this;

It was the middle of the night, and Friday couldn't sleep. She kept tossing and turning, but no matter how hard she tried, sleepy refused to come. Half of her covers were already on the floor, and the rest were slipping through her fingers. Soon, she would have no blankets left on her bed.


Much better, yes? You could also mention whether it's cold or hot, or if she's sweaty because she's been having bad dreams, and on and on. There is so much more you could include in this beginning to the chapter that you're completely ignoring. Take it from someone who usually has a pretty good hook. It needs a little work, a little polishing and then it'll be something truly amazing. Especially for a second chapter hook. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad! It just needs a little work to make it good and make it work.

Missed an apostrophe in this line. I added it in for you;
Tiptoeing as carefully as she could, her little claws scraping gently on the floor, she made her way down the long and winding hallway to Ratty D's room.[/i]


Missing a word here;
She knew it be would stupid to disobey but the little street rat never did listen and Friday didn't see in harm in maybe just knocking, seeing if she was awake too so they could talk.


This is also a huge run-on sentence. It could be split into a few sentences. Let me try doing that for you;
She knew it be would stupid to disobey but the little street rat never did listen. Friday didn't see in harm in maybe just knocking, seeing if she was awake too so they could talk.


Better, right? You have a lot of run-on sentences. I think that's my biggest issue with this piece, having quickly looked it over. If you're not in an action scene, it's not so bad. But if you can make it two sentences, make it two sentences. This article and this one might help you with sentences! If it's an action scene, short sentences is the go-to. If you want some examples or help with action scenes, may I suggest this article?

That's about all the advice I can give you today. I hope I've helped.

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarlett.




User avatar
802 Reviews


Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2017 8:44 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, plagueratbabe! Happy final hours of Review Day!!

Middle of the night, tossing and turning, half of her covers were already on the floor, but no matter how hard she tried, Friday couldn't sleep.
This is a great way to begin the chapter, it gets right to the action! I only suggest you with IT was the middle of the night. The long sentence flows much better that way.

Friday scurried back to her room on all fours, pulling the door behind her with her tail.
Here's what I really enjoyed about this chapter. How you wrote form a rat's point of view! It's normally so hard to write about sentient beings other than humans (since we've never experienced anything else) but your writing of a rat's life was so believable. You used all the right verbs (such as scurried) and it all flowed smoothly along.

Locking herself in the bathroom, Friday began her transformation. Taking a bottle of fur grease, she slicked back her mowhawk as flat as she could. Using a tube of grey grease paint, she covered the tell tale heart on her cheek to blend in with the rest of her fur. Using her claws to tease up the fur around her cheeks. she poofed it up until it resembled somewhat of a beard. Using charcoal, she outlined the harder parts of her face like her muzzle and her jawline, masculinizing her completely. And for the final touch, tape around her chest to hide her breasts and an oversized tee shirt to cover her curves. She looked like any typical boy rat heading into the bar for a drink.
One thing to change is the length of your paragraphs. Having long paragraphs isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does slow down the pace of your story. To keep the pace fast and interesting, you should have shorter paragraphs. For an example, in the highlighted one above, you could start a new paragraph with each new item of makeup. So the fur grease, grey paint, charcoal, etc...

She sat in her room, paws shaking with nerves, waiting for Ratty D to get back home, wondering what on earth she was going to say to her.....
I personally wouldn't end a chapter on an ellipsis, but otherwise I thought this was a great cliffhanger to use to keep the reader wanting to read! It's a very cool story you've got and the characters are well-fledged. Do keep writing!

Image





By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.
— Genesis 3:19