Let’s play pretend, darling. Just like we used to, remember? I suppose not. It was back then, remember? Back when you could still look me in the eye and tell me you loved me and really mean it.
Let’s play house. I’ll be the loving wife that I’d always promised I’d always be for you, and you can be the adoring husband that wouldn’t even think of looking away from me; the loving husband who would come home every day right after work ends, who would look at our kids with pride and not a touch of disdain.
You can pretend to be the husband that stays by the side of his loving wife when she’s pregnant, that gives enough of a damn to be there when his wife is in labor. You can pretend to be the husband that wouldn’t dare hit his kids in drunken rages, the husband that wouldn’t make his wife lie to her own mother about how wonderful he is.
You can pretend to be the husband that would look away from the goddamn television long enough to see that his kids have to scrounge for weeks just to afford a fistful of bread, and be the husband that knows that his kids are starving enough to stop spending their last savings on whores that make his wife want to tear her heart out and just wish that it beat a different way, wish that she loved one that was didn’t beat her, beat the kids, got drunk, that she loved one that didn’t make her play pretend every time she wanted to be happy.
No, darling. Maybe it’s best that you keep playing your own pretend games where I’m a wife that doesn’t love you, that deserves to be punished, to be left all on her own, with just her games of pretend.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this is a very intriguing start right there. There's a lot of very powerful tension being built up right there and I love the way that you dived straight in there with no explanation. It really gives you pause there and makes you wonder there which works quite nicely to get our attention as readers. I can't wait to see where this takes us here.
Well that really took off there on that one. Its still hard to spot exactly what prompts this sort of dialogue here but by now there are more than enough clues being tossed about here that as a reader you do get a solid sense of what the narrator here must be feeling. The emotions definitely are quite raw here.
That's quite the ending there because it throws just one more variable into the mix to consider and I think that really lifts this up onto another level there. It definitely leaves you thinking there and I think that fits this whole narrative quite well because throughout this piece you're just never told the underlying reasons for all of it so keeping it a mystery works wonderfully there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you love this site as much as I do
This piece is truly intriguing. I really hope that this is not based off your own life. I didn't notice anything to be wrong, except for that slightly long sentence that xDudettex commented about. I really enjoyed this piece. Although, it could be expanded a bit, to give us more info it was well done.
PM me if you need anything!
Love,
N
Hey =]
I agree with ..:Ced:.. in that I think that this piece is really moving. Even though the concept is sad, I enjoyed reading it. I think you have a lovely style of writing
The only thing that I could find to point out is this;
You can pretend to be the husband that would look away from the goddamn television long enough to see that his kids have to scrounge for weeks just to afford a fistful of bread, and be the husband that knows that his kids are starving enough to stop spending their last savings on whores that make his wife want to tear her heart out and just wish that it beat a different way, wish that she loved one that was didn’t beat her, beat the kids, got drunk, that she loved one that didn’t make her play pretend every time she wanted to be happy. - Is a very long sentence. Although you have used commas in it, I still think that it can stand to be broken up a bit more. I found it a bit hard to read as it is.
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this
Great job!
xDudettex
Oh my, this is impressive.
I think that you should make this a little more personal. Play on your reader's emotions. Change the "that"s to "who"s. I'd make this change throughout the piece. "That"s just aren't as personal. While this might have been the effect that you were going for, I can't help but feel that you would achieve even a better effect from a wife who really fantasizes that her marriage could be like it used to, but knows it's a fantasy.
Aside from that, I didn't find anything that I think was out of place, so well done for creating something so interesting...
Have a good one
This piece is quite moving. It makes one wonder where the inspiration for it came from though. For your sake I hope the character of the wife is not one you can actually relate to. Especially seeing as your only 16 years old.
Only a couple of typing errors such as this one:
"wish that she loved one that was didn’t beat her"
I assume the word 'was' wasn't meant to be there.
Apart from that. Good job.