Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

​Chapter 1 The not so great Jimmy

by pizzapocket17

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

“I will live on!” Were the final words I spoke before my vison disappeared and there was nothing not even the color black, then suddenly I woke up and found my surroundings were strange, to say the least. Numbers 1-180 were colorful and laid out in a pattern across the walls being some sort of unfamiliar magic I was not accustomed to. There was an area in a room around maybe thirty feet away with shapes that were also colorful. God's black hands! I could see again clearly as if I were in my youth again! I must have not kept my dialogue to myself because a giant of a woman came up to me.

“Jimmy? Is everything okay? Do you need to use the little boy’s room?” Who the hell does this beast think I am? I am no Jimmy I am the great Edward capable of bringing the dead back to life, I am the one who makes the holiest of priests turn from there god and get on their knees to kiss the floor I stand on. I am he who commands the shadows, the dead, and everything else that is dark. No one calls me by another’s name and gets away with it. I reached for my magic, O there would be a great-

“What in the seven hells! It’s gone!!!!” I said in a squeaky voice not recognizing it to be my own.

“Jimmy!” The startled giant said. “Language!”

“Where did my power go wench! Tell me and your death will be quick and painless!”

The giant did not seem to be in fear of my unusually squeaky voice and instead the look of surprise, shock, anger, confusion and many more shades of emotions went on her face and she was silent for a long moment. She starred at me for an uncomfortable amount of time and picked me up as if I was an infant and carried me off to who knows where. I kicked and thrashed and then I went limp when I realized my hands they no longer were darkened by age, they were tiny and no longer bared the many scars from years of battle and I realized that I was a child once more. I was set down in an area with a fence of some sort that was not made of crude metal but instead was vibrant in color and seemed to be made with a material I had no knowledge of. This was not good I thought, I needed to get my books and see if I could figure my situation out.

“Jimmy? Where did you learn that naughty language?”

I quickly reacted knowing that she was oblivious to the fact that I was the great wizard that brought down empires, I had to blend in with the sheep be a wolf in sheep’s clothing if you will.

“Ms. I’m sorry I said such harsh atrocities to you, I give my deepest apologies.” I bowed my head sickened to think I was groveling to this inferior-

“Jimmy you're pronouncing your English so well! When did you learn all those big words?” She said in an excitable voice mixed with praise. “I’m so proud of you big man.”

Proud? No one has ever been proud of me. A warm partially sickening partially unknown feeling went through my body making me feel something I’d never felt before.

“May I borrow one of your books from your library Ms., It doesn’t have to be about sorcery it can be about the land or maybe-”

She handed me a thin book still to big for my tiny hands and it had drawings of animals from the forests that looked to friendly to be real and had the common man’s tongue written on it.

“All the forests creatures with you and I”

I read out loud confused by the riddle. Apparently, I spoke out loud again because this excited what I am beginning to suspect adult woman and brought more praise out from her mouth making me want to vomit mixed with that weird sensation again. Why was I a child again?

At the end of the day I learned a lot about my new environment, the adult woman that lectured me on what was known as bad words was called Ms. Hoffman I also learned that apparently, I have parents once more, which surprised me considering my Father had been dead for almost fifty years and no amount of necromancy could bring back a guy that had his soul ripped apart by a never-ending void. A loud fast clanging noise that was dubbed the school bell immediately made all the other children react by forming a line at the door. So, they did have magic after all, and it seemed to be one of the darker forms meant for manipulating the weaker minds in doing things for another’s gain. I pondered what the reasoning could be to make children line up and then it clicked they must be preparing for war by training there susceptible minds at an early age.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder interrupting my thought process, I whirled around to find it was the teacher looking down smiling at me. It was weird she didn’t smile in a condescending way it seemed almost genuine.

“Jimmy? Are you going to line up with the rest of your classmates for recess?”

I didn’t want her to know that the spell she had put on the rest wasn’t working on me, the last thing I needed was to battle another’s mental power while my magic was non-existent.

“Ummm yes I will join my classmates in your recess.”

I stood in line nervous knowing I did not know how their drills worked, I didn’t even have enough magic left to do a simple vail to keep me hidden. My heart pounded and I followed in the back of the line watching as another adult lead us to my possible demise.

Okay, so I was expecting some sword mastery drills or hand to hand combat or maybe even some team exercises in taking down enemy camps with non-magical combat technics. Instead, I was lead outside where all the children burst into laughter and screaming and ran as fast as they could to objects that I did not have to foggiest clue on what they were.

“Jimmy? Aren’t you going to play with your friends?”

I looked around and saw several enormous castle-like structures in the distance all looking similar in color.

“Mavra, Jackeal, or one of my many other foes must rule now.”

“Oooo are those your arch-nemesis Jimmy?”

The teacher asked kneeling down with a grin and a twinkle in her eye. She must be one of my enemies top recruiters or maybe even one of their top soldiers although I could not sense any magic pulsing from her body, it was possible she had trained herself in the perfection of hiding her powers if that was the case I was up against a truly worthy adversary.

After adjusting to the scenery outdoors and going back inside to cut out shapes and glue them to outlines and labeling them, my body felt strange it took me a few moments to place what this feeling was and I realized it was tiredness from the apparent long day my body had endured. I hadn’t had to go to sleep in twenty maybe thirty years. There’s a certain point of a wizard’s life that we no longer need to sleep. It feels annoying to have to go to sleep again, in a way sleep it was its own sort of spell that nature put on the weak. I closed my eyes and laid my head on my desk passing out letting my body recover. I was awoken by one of my classmates saying something along the lines of it not being nap time yet and I shook the child’s hand away from my shoulder a sleepily told him or her to leave me be. This apparently didn’t work and encouraged the little brat to double down its annoying tactics calling me childish names and got my blood boiling.

“Would you kindly fuck off you little shit.”

Silence went through the room all eyes were on me or in my general direction.

“He said a potty word.” A little boy uttered to his classmates.

I was about to say something quick-witted when my hand was grabbed by a much bigger hand and I was firmly yanked out of my seat and lead by Ms. Hoffman to the colorful gate again and put in it. When she spoke, she had a seriousness to her voice that was probably supposed to frighten me.

“I’m calling your Father this instant young man and we will be talking about your use of bad words.”

My heart dropped down to the pit of my stomach, my Father when I was young was not someone to take lightly when he was angered. The last time I angered my Father I received a beating and whipping that I would never forget. I didn’t want to be put back in the dungeon. Tears welled up in my eyes and I began to sob knowing I was going to get punished severely.

After Ms. Hoffman called my Father in the most bizarre way with no circle, blood, or candles my Father showed up and walked into the room. He was not my Father. My Father was thin and frail, short with little hair and was pale white like a living corpse that had been recently resurrected. This man was the total opposite. He was chubby, with a thick black beard and he towered over Ms. Hoffman like a mountain would to even the tallest of trees. His presence had no darkness and even standing here now knowing very well that this man could end me if he wished I knew he wouldn’t by the energy he was giving off.

“Son come over here please.” Please? When was the last time I heard the word please in a sentence that was not someone begging for their lives?

I walked over to the giant man feeling relief that I would not be dying today, and I looked up at the man’s face. I was met with a disappointed look like someone looking at a dumb dog that had shit on their favorite rug. His enormous hand engulfed mine and I could feel the roughness of his hand like they belonged to a carpenter or a blacksmith and not the hands of a wizard. He said something to Ms. Hoffman about how he was going to take me home early and the rest of the conversation was lost to me while I let the questions in my mind swirl around endlessly.

The man took me away from the place that Ms. Hoffman was stationed at and my jaw dropped when I saw the thing he was taking me to. The closest thing I could think of that even partially resembled the thing in front of me was a carriage, except this, had no horse and it was shiny like a silver coin in the light and it was just so magnificent.

“What is this?” I asked pointing to the horseless carriage. The man claiming to be my Father looked down at me with a confused expression.

“What this?” He touched the carriage with his index finger. “It’s our car.” He said looking at me as if he just found out I had fucked the neighbor’s goat. “I thought I already taught you what this was?”

“Uh yeah, I’m sorry I must have just forgotten what it was called.”

He starred at me some more.

“Son, are you feeling alright?”

“Yes, Father I feel just fine.”

Hearing a bizarre sound, I looked up at the sky and saw a bird-like structurer flying higher than the highest mountains, streaming something white like smoke behind it. One thing was clear now, now more than ever, I was no longer in my homeworld. I was either put under a spell and my mind was now drifting in this bizarre world of wonders or the other scenario that I had died in my previous life and one of the many gods had reincarnated me into this world. One thing was for sure, dream world or reincarnated life it did not matter the only goal I had was getting back to my world and killing my enemies on

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar

Points: 27
Reviews: 4

Mon Jun 29, 2020 7:26 pm
View Likes
calmyindanger wrote a review...


this was a nice read. I find Jimmy to be funny as he does not know what the common everyday things are. although i know Jimmy is probably a mass killer and ruler of land but to see him act like that is amazing. I would love to continue reading about him in the future, if i could i mean. he is relatable and yet not so much. i love it.

ps. ive totally thrown my grammer out the window.

from yours,

Random avatar

Hello! I'm really glad u r enjoying the story! I dont know if I'll b posting anymore of the story here but I do already have a total of 6 chapters posted on reddit if u want to continue reading! P.S my grammar goes out the window all the time lol I wont worry to much about the grammar until the second draft of book.
Heres the link to my other chapters! ... urce=share

User avatar
13 Reviews

Points: 764
Reviews: 13

Mon Jun 29, 2020 5:12 pm
View Likes
Stormblessed242 wrote a review...

Hello, Stormblessed here!

Huh, this was an interesting read! A little odd, but an interesting concept! Its ways fun to see someone like that put out of their element. I found a few grammatical and punctuation errors, which I'll point ou below.

You need more commas breaking up various sentences. I'll point out a few

"My vision dissapeared and there was nothing not even the color black."
Place a comma after "nothing," and that will set up the sentence much better

"I am no Jimmy I am the great Edward"
Put a comma after "Jimmy"

There are a few others like this, but I'm sure if you read it over again you'll find them!

Some of your sentences are a little awkward. Either there are words that don't fit or there are words that are missing. LittleLee pointed some of those out below, so I won't go over them. If you would like me to point out a few, don't be afraid to PM me!

Edward obviously was a great mage who has been thrust into this world unexpectedly. Try to be more consistent with his style of talking and thinking. In one portion you have him talking and thinking in more medieval style terms, and in another he is using words like "a guy" and "okay" if your going for a more epic feel from him try not to use words like this

There are a few words misspelled.
The ones I found were
Vison- vision
There- the proper word would be "their"
Starred- stared

In all honesty, the language doesn't add to the story at all. It's not really believable that whatever world Edward is from that they would have the same cuss words as we do. But even then it doesn't benefit the story at all. If you must use language in a story, use it in dialogue to help the reader get a feel for the character.

Besides these, I think this was great! Can't wait for the next part to come out!

Hope this helped!

User avatar
144 Reviews

Points: 8702
Reviews: 144

Mon Jun 29, 2020 4:32 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...

Hello, pizzapocket17, I'm Lee! Welcome to the site. I'm here to review your story.
Before I begin, I want to say that if my review comes off as too critical, I'm sorry; I'm just trying to help you out here.

“I will live on!” Were the final words I spoke before my vison disappeared and there was nothing not even the color black, then suddenly I woke up and found my surroundings were strange, to say the least.

After an exclamation mark in quotes, the following word should not begin with a capital letter.
You misspelled "vision" as "vison".
This sentence is really chunky, and has a few grammatical mistakes. Break it into two and/or use punctuation. Let me try rewriting it:
"I will live on!" were the last words I spoke before I lost my vision. there was nothing, not even the color black, and then I suddenly woke up and found myself in surroundings that were strange, to say the least."

I must have not kept my dialogue to myself

...what dialogue? A dialogue is usually a conversation between two people. If the narrator was talking to themself, it would be a monologue, but that isn't here either.

“Jimmy? Is everything okay? Do you need to use the little boy’s room?” Who the hell does this beast think I am? I am no Jimmy I am the great Edward capable of bringing the dead back to life, I am the one who makes the holiest of priests turn from there god and get on their knees to kiss the floor I stand on.

Don't put speeches in paragraphs. they should be on independent lines.
*did this beast think I was. You can't change tense in the middle of a paragraph.
Again, this was one long sentence that can afford a generous sprinkling of punctuation.

many more shades of emotions went on her face

Emotion will do. Not emotions.
*crossed her face would sound nicer.


The plural of "nemesis" is "nemeses".

The rating doesn't have to be so high, by the way. There are barely any f-bombs. And in my opinion, there is no need for them at all.
Overall, all your sentences lack punctuation. Until you use fullstops and commas properly, reading will be difficult. But I find the story really amusing, entertaining and fun to read! It's quite an interesting idea, and I'd love to see where you're headed with this. I hope you keep writing!
- Lee

“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas