Here's a quick thing that's been swimming through my head for a long time. I'm gonna flesh it out sooner or later but for now, enjoy.
“Why won’t you let me go?” She asked, with an increasingly irked tone in her voice. “I’m just as strong as you and I can obviously handle myself.” She gave the taller woman a light shove and started to go on before the woman grabbed her wrist.
“It’s because…” She looked back at the woman. “It’s because I love you.” Tears started to well up in her once cold brown eyes. The girl looked back at her, her long curly hair, her tan skin, tinged with red. She gave her a peck on the cheek, then broke free of her grasp.
Hey there!
I really enjoyed reading this short. I would like to say, when I read "in her once, cold brown eyes", I couldn't help but to ask myself, did she change because the girl wanted to leave, or did she realize it was time to let go and became light-hearted about the decision?
Personally, I feel that this could be a story about a mother and a daughter, the daughter being desperate to finally go out into the world alone. Good work!
Hey there pixelstick and welcome to YWS! Congrats on publishing one of your first works. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
So your piece of flash fiction here is mostly dialogue and pretty well organized but I think I would just separate it out a touch more. I would do a line shift at 'tears' and maybe even one at 'she' in the previous set of lines. I mean this is a sort of nit picky thing and it really just all depends on taste, but I thought it might go better that way. It's just one thought.
The whole story itself is something that I enjoyed and usually when I come across stories like this, they're not as romantic or maybe sensitive is the right word here. I really don't have that much to say about this, which is a really odd thing for me. The imagery is a bit spotty but I can see where this could be fleshed out further into a really good story. I'm thinking you're intending it to be romantically centered, unless I'm reading this completely backward.
The one sentence that did bother me a bit, is the one I went ahead and put in the quote below.
The girl looked back at her, her long curly hair, her tan skin, tinged with red.
Hi pixelstick! This is a promising snippet - it opens up lots of questions about the characters and setting.
Because this is only a short sketch of an idea, I don't have a huge number of suggestions for improvement. I'm not sure the kiss at the end quite fits the mood of the moment - "a peck on the cheek" evokes a quick, familiar kind of kiss, like you'd give a family member when leaving for work in the morning, or like you'd give a romantic partner 'in passing'. The scene has more of a "dramatic revelation of love" vibe in general, so is there something more appropriate to the woman-who-wants-to-go's emotional reaction?
As I said, this looks promising - I'd be interested to see what you do with it if you do expand it into something longer!
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