Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Rosa P.O.V.
For some reason my parents hate my guts. I don't even know what I did. All I said was: "I want to kill myself and i wish you were all dead." Of course that made them cry and all but i did not care. So we went to the hospital and I had to stay over night for observation. After that they said keep an eye on her and hide all sharp objects. But, what help would that be? I still have my razor blade hidden to this day. So a week or two later I tried again, but i used a rope i found in the garage. I almost succeeded too until my father came in and cut me down.
Now, I'm heading to this camp for 'special' teens instead of going back to the hospital. But here is the good thing about that; only ages 16 to 26 are a loud.
My outfit for today is, my Green Day t-shirt i got when i went to the concert last year, my favorite black jeans with rips in them and my black cardigan. I'm also wearing my dark poetry necklace and i even had time to flat iron my hair this morning. My hair used to be solid black, but then my mom wanted me to add some color into it to look normal. So i added some blue, and trust me she was not happy about that.
I'm staying in cabin number 599 with someone else. No parents for three weeks. Awesome! But, here is the catch to this Paradise, my parents have to come over in one week for dinner. Known as what they call the 'parent dinner' which also means I have to dress up. I'm not that kind of person at all. I at least have a decent dress to wear. It is not a blue or red color, it is black: my favorite color which includes lace on the arms and a pair of red pumps. I even get to wear my favorite necklace which is a black rose surrounded by dark vines; kinda like my name.
My mother named me, and my father came up with my middle name. He said it was in his family for years. Going as far back as his great-great-great-great-grandmother, who's daughter named her daughter Marie. So kinda became a tradition for the family. It is just me now and somehow i need to keep the family name going. Don't know how i'm gonna do that since i am a girl.
Rosa Marie White:that's me.
My parents have no idea what to expect and neither do I. I heard on the news that this town is haunted. A mad man went around and killed people at night. No one was safe and it took the police three years to find the killer.
In others new my parents took away my car because of my grades. Hey come on at least i got all C's, but that is not good enough for them.
So i am now stuck in the back of my parents car heading to this 'camp' so they called it. All i know is that is is called Rockman hangout. When we entered the camp, there was this check in area. A girl with bright blond hair was greeting people. She was around my age and had the worst color ever invented on: PINK!!! I'm not talking about the brand pink but the color itself. Eww gross.
My parents parked the car and i got out. The girl was there to meet us. She was wearing a pink t-shirt and blue jean shorts. Her hair was tied back into a ponytail and she had this smile on her face. I don't mind the smile part but her clothes ugh.
"Hi I'm Amanda Bunk, I'm the camp activities director here. Are you the parents of your 'special' teen?"
Ugh she is so ewww. What does she mean 'special' like that. Of course they are my parents. Even though I wish they were notatthismomentintime.
"Yes. I am August White and this is my wife Silvia. Are daughter will be staying in cabin 559 I heard. "
"Yes, she will be staying with Jessica Pool, she has been coming here for three years now. Now if you will follow me, Olivia West will show you to your cabin, while i have some things to do."
We followed Miss Bunk to Olivia West's cabin. Why can't i have my own cabin like Olivia does? If it cost extra money i will pay it. Olivia is already inside waiting for us.
Olivia is around 5'11, has green eyes and brown hair. She was wearing a Maleficent tank top and a pair of dark, jean shorts. She also had a Snow White necklace which had a heart and a sword through it. I could tell right away that she was a hard core Disney Villain fan. I can respect that because Scar is my favorite character from Lion King when i was a kid.
We talked for awhile and my focks left finally!
*Hey everyonethanksforreading. Ilovetosendashoutouttomysis 2: amberforhelpingmewithcreatingthesecharactersandideas. Alsoto brifordrawingRosa. Thankuboth. Loveusis 2.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Ahoy there, pirateslife4me.
For this review, I thought I'd share two good things and two things to work on...
Good work and thanks for sharing.
With Rosa's point of view, the thing that could use a bit of refinement is the reason why her parents hate her. You sort of leave that thought hanging there without giving a proper reason. You say they hate her, but then continue on with her story without coming back to that claim. Add a sentence or two that confirm why (or why she suspects) her parents hate her, or reinforce the fact that she has no idea. Just mention her parents' hate so the thought isn't left hanging.
I thought you did a great job at creating vivid and thorough characters. Rosa has a complicated backstory (as everyone should, though reader's don't necessarily have to know about them) and the clothes she wears emphasize her personality. The same goes for Olivia, I can tell she and Rosa could potentially be great friends just from a couple paragraphs.
This is more of a nitpick than a major error, but watch out when you use contractions. You said who's daughter which actually means 'who is daughter'. The correct word would be whose daughter, which refers more to ownership. There were some spelling errors too but you'll most likely notice them when editing.
The final thing I'll point out if Rosa's voice. This was your strongest point: Her voice kept in character the whole time. I consistently thought one person was talking to me and didn't think she went out of character at all.
Hi pirates4lifeme!
Hm, this is interesting! I've read a story that seems pretty similar to this (as of right now), and which is probably very good news for you, considering I loved it so much.
But this is also sad. You make it clear the narrator here has low self-esteem, she doesn't seem to see any worth to her life. Gosh! She didn't know why her parents were freaking out when she said she wanted to kill herself!
I hope this camp helps her. </3
Specifics:
I don't think that first sentence matches up with the last. If her parents hated her guts, why would they cry? Why would they even care? It doesn't seem like hatred to me; they just seem sad, and maybe feel as if they have no hope.
Technically, 26 doesn't count as a "teen"; and I'm kind of surprised a camp would host an age group this large. The difference between a sixteen-year-old and a twenty-six-year-old is pretty noticeable.
You never said where the camp was, or how far it is from Rosa's home, which I would kind of like to know; but I'm assuming it's in a different town, after reading this...?
This was random, and completely unnecessary here. You can insert earlier in this chapter, but right here, when you're going on about the camp, then BAM - throw in this little tidbit. It threw things off.
Well, I know you're not talking about the brand pink because you just said she had on the "worst color ever invented".
But on another note: I AGREE! Pink is gross. >.<
The Story
The main issue I had with this story was how you did a lot of telling, such as: So a week or two later I tried again, but i used a rope i found in the garage. I almost succeeded too until my father came in and cut me down. But you did not do much showing - actually showing us what Rosa is doing, like: "I rested my chin on the rope, fumbling with the knot above my head." That's a silly and horrible example, because I have no idea how a person would go about hanging themself, but do you see what I mean? Don't just say, "I used a rope I found in the garage", but show us how she found this rope, how she used it. What kind of knotting was going on here?
There are some excellent articles I know of that explain this WAY better than I do, so I'll just kindly point them out to you:
Article #1
Article #2
I didn't really like how you spent so much time describing Olivia's and Rosa's outfits and the dress Rosa would wear to the 'parent dinner', yet you didn't get into detail about some other things. The camp wouldn't let just anyone in, especially this kind of camp, so I'm wondering how she didn't know anything about the camp itself until she got there. The camp director didn't want to have an interview with her, see just how "special" she was? What exactly is this camp's motive? What are they trying to do with these girls? I would also like to know more about Rosa's parents. They had no last words for her? How were they behaving on the drive there? Were they tense or angry or crying?
One another thought I had while reading this, was this doesn't sound like the voice of a traumatized girl. Her thoughts: "Eww gross" and "Why can't I have my own cabin like Olivia does?" sound immature, and not the depressed or negative or hurt thoughts I would think someone would have if they had just attempted suicide. She doesn't... sound like it.
Quick note: You had quite a few grammatical errors throughout this, but I mainly noticed your "I"s. Just remember to capitalize them.
Overall
Overall, I think this could be a great story. We have this traumatized girl, but the thing is, she doesn't realize she's traumatized, coming to this camp, which will hopefully help her. I like your idea here, but this also needs a lot of work. Rosa needs more character depth, the camp needs to seem more detailed, and this telling could be replaced with a lot of good showing.
I apologize if any part of this review seemed harsh or damaging. I'm not trying to abash anyone here, I promise! I hope you keep this story up and running, and I wish you the best luck in your future works.
cheers for now!
~rosette <3
The pacing feels a bit strange, and it seems to be a lot of exposition. As for grammar, simple things like capitalizing 'I's and words being stuck together. Also, proofreading is always great for catching mistakes, so make sure to go through. It has a great premise, but a little polish could help. However I like where the story is going, and I can't wait to see these characters as you flesh them out!