Going through a struggle that feels so unreal.
Too many emotions that I feel.
Too many thoughts in my head.
Sometimes I wish I was dead.
I have never been the type to plaster a fake smile.
Wish the happiness would take off its coat and maybe stay for a while.
I get too attached wishing people would do the same.
So when you walk away I am the one to blame.
Everything negative you said I took to heart.
Adding to why I am falling apart. +
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Let me just start off with this-your poem is amazing! I like to see things like this. A poem that can sometimes relate to you, but at the same time, amazes the reader. The title of this immediately brought me in, and I was not disappointed. I like the little rhymes that it has, it just ties it all together. Thank you so much for writing this, it is really great, and keep writing.
Hey ! hi
I loved Your poem . it is so amazing specially the line , " wish the happiness would take off its coat..." its an amazing line and has a wonderful meaning . You are an inspiration for writing .
Some poems have deep meanings but do not rhyme lines but urs was totally different.
I loved ur way of writing . Keep writing .From Sulagna...
Thank you so much
Amazing poem. well done. just wow.
Thank you
hello pinkpuppies and welcome to YWS! your avvie is the cutest.
I don't know much about pop songs in general though so perhaps though so take the provincial grain of salt. one thing that bothered me a bit though was how there were periods at the end of every line. It made every line sound a bit choppy, and I was hoping for a bit more natural punctuation/more flow that "joins" the lines together more fluidly.
It's my first review of the year and I'm rusty so please bear with me
If you're experiencing this/writing this poem to vent, I'm really sorry about it <3 so please disregard my review if it's that case and take care <3 If you are looking for some advice, though, keep on reading
I like the rhyme here! It feels quite natural and I also think that your poem would do nicely as lyrics
That said, my fave line was here:
I think I like this because it puts something concrete in my mind. I like it! I feel and relate to it so much. Especially given covid-19, it's harder to stay happy throughout the day. I wish happiness would stick with me! Anyway, another thing I liked about it was how I can get a glimpse of your poet voice behind it, the one you can find after writing and reading more poems and honing your skill. I think you can improve your poem by adding stronger images to it
You can always talk to me via PM or wall if you need something!
~Ink
thank you so much I loved your critism
you're welcome <3
Hey pinkpuppies06. I am here for a short review. And to give you some suggestions.
Let's jump in!
First of all it's really is an amazing poem, and all the things I'm saying is just suggestions.
You know when people write poem they us commas instand of periods. So I think it might me better if you use commas. The main thing of poem that it's stanza is short connected with commas. Which makes the readers keep reading, and make them not notice how long it is.
Another thing is that in poem there is always a strange texter that brings the to read it. Lots of things make creates that texter. But the main things are descriptive words, and building a frame, than adding more expanation after that. So I recommand that you should use more illustration.
(Sorry. I didn't plan to write this long)
Hey, but this poem has really good rhythm words that pushes the reader to keeep on reading. Also lots of stanza shows or discribes feeling. As a person who used to and is feeling this emotion, this poem tells me that I'm not the only one.
In the second and third stanza you repeated one phrase at the other. So instand of writing "Too many", you could write "Too much". You used "Unreal", in the first stanza. But as I said in the above, maybe you should try other kind of word with more description. It makes a upright rhythm. However, I think suggest you chaning that part. Above all beautiful, and I quite enjoyed reading it.
Thank you
<Keep on writing
>ChrisDixon
thank you for the advice
Hi@pinkpuppies06. Welcome to YWS. This is not exactly a review because I am not that good at reviewing poems.I am sorry I cannot tell you what is technically wrong and right. But as a 16 Year old who too once in life used to feel the same emotions as this poem tells. The thoughts were exactly the same. I could relate to it . You will make your own way and everything will fall in place. Trust me, you will come out as a bold and beautiful personality. All those difficult times will help you grow in life.
Personally, I loved reading it .
From: Bhavya
Thank you for your comment it really gave me hope
I am so glad that my comment brought light and hope in your life.