Published March 10, 2009
Burn the books!
Smoke the ashes!
Dissolve the traces!
Of their disease!
They cry this out
Unto the masses
Erasing the deficiency
Of the Human Mentality
Burn the books!
Smoke the ashes!
Dissolve the trace!
Of their disease!
The killers lay smoking
Bullets pierce the Jude
Take the gold and
Make amends!
Burn the books!
Smoke the ashes!
Dissolve the trace!
Of their disease!
Pay tribute for our deaths
Forgive out sins
As we fight on
The tortured stallion backs of Israel.
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,431 Reviews
This was a nice piece. I've NEVER read something that took the side of the Germans so this was pretty interesting to me. I think you need some punctuation, as was already pointed out. I like the repeating stanza, very awesome! The flow was great and I gave you a star! I look forward to seeing more of your work!
-laydra
So let's see...
It's quite an intriguing poem. I like the short lines--very potent. It's also quite a short poem, which I think serves it quite well.
You see, I like this one--but the first ! doesn't fit there. Dissolve the trace of their disease, not "Dissolve the traces! Of their disease!"
The other stanzas completely lack punctuation. Here's my punctuated version of the second stanza:
On the poem itself, I think you should focus on the effects of your words. Some words are extremely weak: for examply, "erasing" and "deficiency" in the example above are very meager and formulaic. Mostly, however, you need to make sure that the poem is consistent--its POV, that of a German Nazi-sympathizer--because I felt like calling Jews "Tortured stallions" sounded more like some kind of worshipping of Sylvester Stallone or something horrible like that. Maybe calling them "writhing leeches" would be better, don't you think?
Also, sometimes the vowels of stanza get mixed up and the lines sound extremely awkward. For example, "Of the Human Mentality" would be better as "Of Human Mentality."
That's it! Hope I helped!
Hey, Pink. I'm Music and I'll be reviewing you today!
My favorite stanza was probably the repeating one:
I think it just describes what they were probably feeling very well.
I also liked these; they had a nice flow.
But where is your punctuation, silly girl? Mmm? Haha.
Overall: I liked it. For the most part, it had a nice flow to it. That was an odd approach, taking the Germans' point of view. I haven't found that before.
Good job.
Love,
Music.