z

Young Writers Society



Burn The Books

by pinkmunki95


Burn the books!
Smoke the ashes!
Dissolve the traces!
Of their disease!

They cry this out
Unto the masses
Erasing the deficiency
Of the Human Mentality

Burn the books!
Smoke the ashes!
Dissolve the trace!
Of their disease!

The killers lay smoking
Bullets pierce the Jude
Take the gold and
Make amends!

Burn the books!
Smoke the ashes!
Dissolve the trace!
Of their disease!

Pay tribute for our deaths
Forgive out sins
As we fight on
The tortured stallion backs of Israel.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
7 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 7

Donate
Thu Apr 02, 2009 12:05 pm
Laydra wrote a review...



This was a nice piece. I've NEVER read something that took the side of the Germans so this was pretty interesting to me. I think you need some punctuation, as was already pointed out. I like the repeating stanza, very awesome! The flow was great and I gave you a star! I look forward to seeing more of your work!

-laydra




User avatar
404 Reviews

Points: 1108
Reviews: 404

Donate
Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:23 pm
Gadi. wrote a review...



So let's see...

It's quite an intriguing poem. I like the short lines--very potent. It's also quite a short poem, which I think serves it quite well.

I have a few criticisms though.

Punctuation:

Dissolve the traces!

Of their disease!


You see, I like this one--but the first ! doesn't fit there. Dissolve the trace of their disease, not "Dissolve the traces! Of their disease!"

The other stanzas completely lack punctuation. Here's my punctuated version of the second stanza:

They cry this out

Unto the masses,

Erasing the deficiency

Of the Human Mentality.


On the poem itself, I think you should focus on the effects of your words. Some words are extremely weak: for examply, "erasing" and "deficiency" in the example above are very meager and formulaic. Mostly, however, you need to make sure that the poem is consistent--its POV, that of a German Nazi-sympathizer--because I felt like calling Jews "Tortured stallions" sounded more like some kind of worshipping of Sylvester Stallone or something horrible like that. Maybe calling them "writhing leeches" would be better, don't you think?

Also, sometimes the vowels of stanza get mixed up and the lines sound extremely awkward. For example, "Of the Human Mentality" would be better as "Of Human Mentality."

That's it! Hope I helped!




User avatar
152 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 152

Donate
Tue Mar 10, 2009 10:13 am
Musicaloo7311 wrote a review...



Hey, Pink. I'm Music and I'll be reviewing you today!

My favorite stanza was probably the repeating one:

Burn the books!

Smoke the ashes!

Dissolve the traces!

Of their disease!


I think it just describes what they were probably feeling very well.

I also liked these; they had a nice flow.

They cry this out

Unto the masses


But where is your punctuation, silly girl? Mmm? Haha.

They cry this out,

Unto the masses,

Erasing the deficiency

Of the Human Mentality.


The killers lay, smoking.

Bullets pierce the Jude.

Take the gold and

Make amends!


Pay tribute for our deaths.

Forgive ou[s]t[/s]r sins

As we fight on

The tortured stallion backs of Israel.


Overall: I liked it. For the most part, it had a nice flow to it. That was an odd approach, taking the Germans' point of view. I haven't found that before.

Good job. :) Gold star, coming for you!

Love,
Music. :)





Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour