There are cats everywhere, slinking alongside low stone fences, curled up in patches of long grass, watching from fence posts. Watching you. They’re all solitary, all aloof and alone, but still they seem to surround you. One cat slides out of view, another appears at the edge of seeing distance to take its place.
They’re all enjoying the last, late rays of sun – and you are too, now that you’ve noticed it, now the cats have made you see the yellow light stretching across the street and the soft warmth on your left arm. There’s no trees lining the street here, but in the part of town you just left pohutakawa stretched green and red above you and birds sang in their branches, giving a soundtrack to the hot, lazy day.
You turn right, and the sudden movement makes you brush against the boy you’re walking with, bare skin against bare skin, a tickle of warm flesh against your right arm that tightens your lungs all the way up to your throat, though your breathing stays even. You’re in a short alley now, high stone walls on either side and, at the end, a short piece of corrugated iron fence, before the buildings fall away from you and you’re on a dusty path stretching through a field.
Once you’ve escaped the shadows of the town, the unbroken light of the sun illuminates the whole field. There’s no cats here, no trees, no birds, just tall waving grass surrounding you as far as you can see, and the straight, pale, dusty path under and in front of your feet.
You’re lonely, and people see it in your face. Some ask why you’re so sad, so full of pain, and you shrug and smile, leaving them exasperated or in awe, depending on how silly they are. You justify yourself by thinking, “They’ll never understand,” but underneath the truth of it beats – you don’t understand it yourself.
The boy beside you, he has more pain. At least, you assume he has more pain – he has more reason to feel pain, so it makes sense that his pain would be bigger, sharper, more all-consuming. You can’t quite imagine it, though, can’t stretch your head to fit the vastness of his supposed pain. You know why he has all this pain, everyone knows the sources of all the ragged cuts on his heart, emotion gushing through, hotter and thicker than blood. Yet in more ways, it’s clear that he is happier than you too.
He’s walking in front of you now – how did that happen? How did you fall out of sync, out of step? You didn’t see it happen, but you looked up and you’re behind him – this boy, this pain-filled, happy boy. His jeans are dripping off his hips, even with the belt you finally convinced him to buy because you were irritated by the sight of him hitching his pants up, like a child in their father’s clothes; because he’s getting skinnier and skinnier, weed eating away at all his fat. It seems that soon there will be nothing covering his bones but a paper-thin layer of skin, so delicate it will tear when you next find yourself brushing against him, a shock you try to avoid because it runs through you for days.
You are going to run away. You don’t know it yet, but in about half an hour the dusty path will meet a road, still out of seeing distance for now, and you will realise you have your Eftpos card, your life savings in your back pocket and you will decide to keep going any way you can. Leaving this town won’t ease your pain, it never has before, but maybe in the city you will find something to numb yourself with.
The boy walking in front of you turns his head, frowns at your slow pace, at the space between you two. He makes a joke, and you laugh, and skip forward to catch up with him. He has long black hair and thin dancer’s limbs and single-lidded eyes and a rippling laugh, and he is in love with a boy with short pale hair and thick boxer’s limbs and double-lidded eyes and an unknown laugh, a boy who loves him back. This beautiful boy loves someone who loves him back and you love him too, with a fierce love that could only be unrequited. He doesn’t know, because he is oblivious; he is oblivious because he is stupid. You know this, you know he can never love you or know you love him and you know that he is stupid and annoying and selfish, you’ve always known, even before you loved him. But he is breathtakingly beautiful, and there is something indescribable inside him which makes you ache. Is it his pain? Or his happiness?
He is loved, this beautiful boy. He loves and he is loved in return and you have never had that. You have loved and you have been loved but never at once, never the same person. This boy loves a boy who you’ve only seen in pictures, pictures he showed you. You wanted to hate what you saw in those pictures, you wanted to think, “I hope he shatters your heart,” or “I hope he gives you AIDS,” but you can’t, you had to rack your brains for horrible things to not say, because nothing hateful came to your mind when you saw those pictures. Instead you thought, “I hope he loves you so much you never feel pain again.”
Will he run away with you? Maybe he will, maybe he won’t – he is loved, but he is still in pain. You’re not sure how strong his love is, if it’s strong enough to tie him to this town just to tie him to the boy he loves. You’ve seen a picture of them kiss – a soft, sweet kiss, a hey-let’s-get-this-on-camera kiss, an I’m-happy-just-to-be-with-you kiss. Was it an I-love-you-no-need-to-rush kiss or a we’re-having-fun kiss? Would you ever kiss him like that, if he loved you back? If, if – stop it, you tell yourself, and you feel at once burdened and lightened by your pain.
You have so much pain, and you don’t understand it all. You know most of it comes from the love you have for this beautiful boy who doesn’t love you, but you don’t understand that love, so you don’t understand that pain. The rest of it seems to come from your loneliness, your disconnect from the world, from this town, but you don’t understand that either. What you do understand is this: you have fallen in love with a boy with a beautiful smile. He has a beautiful smile, so one way or another he was always going to break your heart. To break everyone’s hearts. You ache when you see him and you ache when he’s near and you ache whenever you think of him, you’re aching right now.
The sunset has stained the sky with streaks of pink and blue, like a lazy tie-dye. The streaks blending into each other, softened by streaks of orange cloud. You shiver. Behind you the birds are slowly quieting down, the cats have found warmer places to spend the night, the lights in the houses are winking on.
You stop. You are alone on a dusty path, fields of grass surrounding you. The boy is not with you. He is with the boy he loves, and even if he wasn’t he wouldn’t have gone walking with you. You never convinced him to buy a belt, that stupid boy will be hitching his pants up ‘til the day he dies. But he did show you pictures of the boy he loves, of a soft sweet kiss, and you were bitter with happiness for him. You have been aware of your life savings in your back pocket the whole way, and you have been aware that you won’t actually do it, you will stay in your town with your love for that beautiful, pain-filled happy boy and your own pain. There is nothing but tall, sun-lit grass stretching around you to the edge of seeing distance, and yet all that space seems full of your secret longings, your maybe-hopes and your never-dreams, the cruel twists of your imagination, your ifs and your ache. You turn around, defeated by your own nature, and walk home alone.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I like it. The human mind and it's perceptions of reality, that can easily be morphed into something different, with a bit of influence from emotions, and one starts to mistake fantasy for reality.
'You ache when you see him and you ache when he’s near and you ache whenever you think of him, you’re aching right now.'
for me, that line had too much repetition with the word ache, that it kind of killed the mood a bit."
I like the smooth flow of things, as the girl's imagination creates a false memory, kind of as if to soothe her heart, and ease her pain, making up for her unrequited love, with some "pretty, meaningful" memories at least. The girl's want for a new start and a change, leaving the place that makes her unhappy, to try and find that happiness, yet, unwilling to let go of the one she loves, even though she knows it's impossible was a very nice touch.
In a way, it's a very accurate description of many people, who want change but unwilling to take that big step towards what they want.
I <3 it! looking forward to reading more of your work!
To anyone else who reads this, I've attempted to edit this multiple times but YWS just isn't working for me. It won't properly save any edits. So it's likely that I may have already attempted to change some of the things you point out. I'd still love to hear your opinions though
Oh my goodness...I found one, I finally found one! A beautiful story worth all of the recognition it deserves! Finally, a story that i didn't have to skim through while bored, just to write some half-assed review! Amazing!
But now onto the, you know, reviewing.
This is an excellent and original story, with a very relaxing flow. I personally liked the repetition you put in with the "you", it really didn't seem out of place. Your intro is especially intriguing, not a single one like it, it gives me a new respect for cats.
Not going to ride you on the grammar because other people have already dealt with that
"and birds sang in their branches, giving a soundtrack to the hot, lazy day." Favorite line right there, its beautiful. We all read in stories of the pretty chirping noises that birds tend to make, but its never been taken on a level to consider it a soundtrack, its like a display of respect for birds. Well done there.
The flow and descriptions are truly commendable, and the theme itself is quite emotional. it makes you feel genuine sadness, and even longing for that boy, because "you" love him so much and its mentally atrophying to know that you cant have him.
It was especially strong when you described that he would show "you" photos of him and his man together, and the description of the feeling that came around it. "You wanted to hate what you saw in those pictures, you wanted to think, “I hope he shatters your heart,”. i even liked the "I hope he gives you AIDS" not only is it just morbid humor but it gives hints to the time, like in the 70's and 80's when homosexuality was always affiliated with AIDS, so that line went deep.
i felt that there was also some abstract jealousy that "you" felt. not jealous of the guy that the boy was with, but in terms of pain. "everyone knows the sources of all the ragged cuts on his heart, emotion gushing through, hotter and thicker than blood. Yet in more ways, it’s clear that he is happier than you too." in addition, i felt it throughout that "you" were jealous of him because he was loved, and "you" were loved "but never at once" even if that's not what you wanted to convey, it would certainly be interesting if you took this potential envy and described it specifically, but added it throughout and not all at once. yet again, it seems like you already have done that, consciously or not
overall fantastic story with a lot of depth to it and unique flow, very good work!
aww, thanks! it's partly based on reality, a situation that still confuses me. I'm glad some of those deeper emotions I've been trying to work out came through.
Hey! I'm back.
You posted on my wall asking me to return and see if I could find any grammatical errors, so here I am.
"They’re all enjoining the last, late rays of sun"
I think you meant to write "enjoying."
"They’re all enjoining the last, late rays of sun – and you are too, now that you’ve noticed it, now the cats have made you see the yellow light stretching across the street and the soft warmth on your left arm."
I don't think that your usage of a dash is appropriate here. A comma would be more effective. Also, I think that this section of your work would feel more polished if you divvied it up into two sentences. If I were you, I'd rewrite this portion of your work in the following way.
"They're all enjoying the last, late rays of sun, and you are too, now that you've noticed it. The cats have made you see the yellow light stretching across the street and the soft warmth on your left arm."
Instead of this:
"There’s no trees lining the street here, but in the part of town you just left pohutakawa stretched green and red above you and birds sang in their branches, giving a soundtrack to the hot, lazy day."
Try this.
"There are no trees lining the street here, but in the part of town you just left, pohutakawa stretched green and red above you, and birds sang in their branches, giving a soundtrack to the hot, lazy day.'
"but underneath the truth of it beats – you don’t understand it yourself."
Try this instead.
"but underneath, the truth of it beats. You don't understand it yourself."
Keep an eye on how you use dashes. I'm not saying that you shouldn't use them; they are pretty awesome punctuation marks, as far as punctuation marks go. Just make sure that you don't overuse them. Sometimes, commas are more effective. For example:
"He’s walking in front of you now – how did that happen?"
Try this.
"He's walking in front of you now. How did that happen?"
"You never convinced him to buy a belt, that stupid boy will be hitching his pants up ‘til the day he dies."
Try this.
"You never convinced him to buy a belt. That stupid boy will be hitching his pants up until the day he dies."
Don't hesitate to break your sentences apart and separate them with periods. Sometimes, doing so will help your work feel polished.
I hope that this helps! Always keep writing.
-Rose
Hello. I'm Rose, and I'm here to share my thoughts on this piece.
This is an extremely interesting piece. When I finished reading it, I leaned back from my laptop, stared at the screen, and thought. About the emotion packed into it. About how there was something about it that reminded me of a dream. There is something special and unique about this piece that I rarely discover in writing, and I'm an obsessive reader who reads anything and everything. For a piece of writing to impress me like this is a rare occurrence. Great work.
Still, just because I liked this piece doesn't mean that I don't have a few suggestions concerning it. I'm going to begin by making a few changes to your first paragraph and explaining the reasoning behind my edits.
"There are cats everywhere. Slinking alongside low stone fences, curled up in patches of long grass, watching from fence posts. Watching you. They’re all solitary, all aloof and alone, but still they seem to surround you. As soon as one cat slides out of view, another appears to take its place."
The first thing I did was to remove the first word of your paragraph. I felt that it was unnecessary to the meaning of your paragraph and that your writing feels cleaner and easier to read without it. Since your first paragraph is an opportunity to give your readers a taste of what the rest of the piece will be like, it needs to be as clean as possible.
Next, I changed the words "there's cats everywhere" to "there are cats everywhere. "There's cats everywhere" is grammatically correct and thus detracts from the effectiveness of your writing. Since your subject - cats - is plural, it is essential that your verb follows suit. Poor subject-verb agreement is something I noticed throughout the rest of your piece as well, so I suggest looking over it with an editing eye and making necessary changes.
I made a few changes to the last sentence of your first paragraph. I added the words "as soon as" to better the flow of your piece. In order for readers to read the entirety of your work, it's essential that your work flows and is easy to read.
Basically, the only areas in which this piece is lacking are those pertaining to grammar. Don't be discouraged because I pointed out errors. Believe me, the charisma that you've poured into this piece is something that all writers crave in their own work. Continue writing with the emotion and rawness that this piece possesses, and the other skills will come to you with practice.
"He has a beautiful smile, so one way or another he was always going to break your heart. To break everyone’s hearts. You ache when you see him and you ache when he’s near and you ache whenever you think of him, you’re aching right now."
This...is simply gorgeous. I love it.
Remember, my suggestions are just those: suggestions. If you disagree with my opinions, disregard them. Your feelings concerning your work are paramount; do not sacrifice them for anything or anyone. They are what will separate you from other writers, what will make you unique.
Always keep writing. Seriously, don't stop. If you ever need anything else reviewed, feel free to contact me and I'll be glad to help.
-Rose
I'm sorry, I meant to type "grammatically INcorrect" in the sixth paragraph. My apologies.
"There's cats everywhere" is grammatically (in)correct - *facepalm* duhhh. Whoops. Thanks for pointing that out.
Don't worry, I've been here before, I know not to panic when people don't like my work. But you did, and I'm honoured that I managed to impress you.
I was actually thinking that the non-sentence at the start 'jerked' in a way that is completely different to the rest of the piece, but I wasn't sure whether to keep it or not. So thanks for mentioning it, I was hoping someone would
And thanks for reviewing
ALSO! I liked how the beginning read with such a abstract tone. It reads off almost like poetry.
This piece is very mind-probing.
I really appreciated the perspective in which you wrote it. The second person point of view really marks it as a stand out. However, it quickly becomes repetitive. You this. You that. You, you, you. I just wish that perhaps that 'you' that is practically inferred was inferred more frequently rather than blatantly repeated. Does that make any sense at all? XD
Also, my grammar nazi was being terribly nit-picky and found many basic errors in your grammar.
"There’s no trees lining the street here, but in the part of town you just left pohutakawa stretched green and red above you(,) and birds sang in their branches, giving a soundtrack to the hot, lazy day."
The grammar issues that I found were just tiny little here and there things like above. Nothing major. Nothing jumped out at me as bad. A little skim through or two is probably all it will take to clean up the minimal errors I did find.
"If, if – stop it, you tell yourself, and you feel at once burdened and lightened by your pain."
This read a bit off. Perhaps if it was stated more like "You tell yourself to stop such thoughts, and at once you feel both burdened and lightened by your pain." It's just a suggestion, and I am just one opinion, but the 'if's are just a bit weird as a reader.
And talk about beautiful use of your words. "...bare skin against bare skin, a tickle of warm flesh against your right arm that tightens your lungs all the way up to your throat..." Can I become the wife of that description please? I want it to be in my life forever.
Oh, and I love the if and ache at the end. That entire ending is just so strong. I got chills.
I love the tragedy in this story. It is a delicate kind of beautiful. Definitely something to be proud of.
Good good piece. You've got all the skills and the imagination to do some fantastic stuff. I'll be looking forward to see what you write next.
Thank you so much for reviewing
I suspect a few of those grammar issues were intentional - I deliberately make everything as flow-y as possible while still making sense. If THAT makes any sense. But I'll do a quick check to be sure 
thanks again.