Red banners blowing in the wind, a cacophony of golden drums piercing my ears, all signs, signals, letting me know that my whole world was changing. I remember a time, when I used to walk outside, smell the sweet scent of lotus flowers. Feeling the wind hit my face I would greet the gardener in cheerful tone as I ran down the steps into our garden. Flying my kite up and down, my world was perfect. Yes, I still had school and studying, but it was different. Ever since the the announcement that to be a Scholar Official one must pass a test, there was no more kite-flying or froliking with my friends and parents. All I would do was study. All I could do was study.
After falling soundly asleep in “Confucius’s Analects” and then promptly waking up for what seemed like the two-thousandth time, I finally couldn’t take it. The absence of sound created a dull sameness that even all the colorful books couldn’t extinguish. I walked to the door, froze as I remembered but pushed against the golden handle anyways. The dragon’s head, wrapped around the handle, didn’t budge. It was looking me in the eye almost daring me to push again. I looked up the window, now an ominous gateway. How fitting, a small exit to a small room. Piling up books as a footing I pushed myself up, my torso contorting to fit through. The sill felt rough like one part of the house they had thought was unnecessary to smoothen. I would rebel, like the rebellion of some northwestern troops in my city 60 or so years before. “Wǒ tuìchū!” I yelled, “I quit!,” as if anyone was listening or actually cared about me. A few birds chirped back; even they care more than my parents.
I ran past the wall and past the gardener, who threw me a strange look but didn’t put up a fuss. As I came up to the first farm, one of many that adorned the flat grasslands, I thought, “It had been wrong for my parents to trap me, stuck like a locust in sap”. I ran for what seemed like a year, probably more like five minutes. Where would I go? Where would I sleep? How would I eat? All these questions and more kept popping into my head. I tried to push them out, to not think of the consequences, but it was an uphill battle. I realized I had no plan, which now that I come to think about it, was not the best idea. I turned home accepting my defeat. It had been foolish of me to resist. My chosen path was that of a Scholar Official, or at least that’s what my parents thought. Thinking of excuses for my parents, I kicked one pebble after another in the stone path.
The return trip was one of sorrow. I had lost, I had let them win. What would my parent do. My shoulders hunched, I walked solemnly, not even the sweet smells and wind blowing on this perfect day could deny that.
When I finally arrived I realize my parents hadn’t even noticed my departure. I threw a coin to the gardener. “Xū,” I said, telling him to “be quiet.”
“Jǐn cǐ yīcì,” he said, “just this once,” as he shook his hand at me.
I slowly lifted myself up, back through the window. It was easier on the way back because the house was inset in the small hill.
As I fell down into my room it showed itself to me: a lime green book with Golden embroidering running back and forth in a squiggle. It had no title, but I picked it up and opened it any way. “Buddhism, I’ve heard of this,” I thought. Didn’t “Huan Yu” the poet get banned for writing a poem attacking it recently? I flipped to the second page, intrigued.
The farther I got into the book, the more I related. I was boudha, my parents forcing me to do something I did not want. As he had been forced to be a military leader, I had been forced to study for the “Imperial Test” to become a Scholar Official. Like him I would run away following his guidelines. I kept reading. “All life is good,” that means no more meat. “Easy,” I thought.
As someone prepared dinner the aromas of delicious potstickers and duck, a delicacy to almost anyone, all of a sudden made my stomach turn. If it was going to happen, it was going to happen now. I had a plan: get to the monastery. There I would meditate and reach enlightenment with nothing to desire. A dream for any buddhist. My story would be complete. I heard the footsteps of my father coming to remove the barricade from the door. I moved quickly, leaving everything: my home, my family, my life. I pulled with all my might, lifting myself through. The footsteps grew louder. Just a little further. I heaved again. Was I going to make it? The loud tone of the barricade being moved made me flinch. I landed with a soft thump into the grass. I heard the cry of my father, probably realizing that the room was empty, but I didn’t care about that anymore. I was a Buddhist. I would follow the eightfold path, a set of guidelines to live my life by, better than anything I would learn from any other of those stupid books. I was past the gate now. As I ran, my regrets and sorrows flew off my shoulders. I was free.
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This is a really great story. I like when she runs away, realizing she had no plan, an then returning home, only to run away again. I also like how you incorporated Buddhism, and what type of foods they eat. The part about the pot stickers made me hungry. I wonder if you could have made a few sentences clearer. Like, "I finally couldn't take it", doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Other than that, the story was great.
I'll start with the grammar errors, then get to the good of the story.
"I remember a time, when I used to walk outside, smell the sweet scent of lotus flowers. "
Shouldn't that be "I remember a time when I used to walk outside and smell the sweet scent of lotus flowers."?
"Feeling the wind hit my face I would greet the gardener in cheerful tone as I ran down the steps into our garden."
Shouldn't that be "Feeling the wind hit my face, I would greet the gardener in cheerful tone as I ran down the steps into our garden."? A very minor mistake.
"there was no more kite-flying or froliking with my friends and parents." Froliking isn't a word. I believe you meant frolicking.
"All I would do was study. All I could do was study." That's a duplicate sentence. This would look great, however, if you made the second in bold and/or italic.
"Piling up books as a footing I pushed myself up" It should be "Piling up books as footing, I pushed myself up".
"A few birds chirped back; even they care more than my parents." The semicolon should be replaced with a period, and the first "e" in even should be capitalized to do so. Also, there's a tense change in "even they care more". It should be "even they cared more".
"I thought, “It had been wrong for my parents to trap me, stuck like a locust in sap”." That shouldn't be in quotation marks unless he was talking, or remembers thinking those exact words. Also, I recommend making thoughts in italic. A way to fix this: Something like...
I thought about how it had been wrong for my parents to trap me, like a locust in sap.
"I ran for what seemed like a year, probably more like five minutes." That sentence isn't really structured properly. Example: "I ran for what seemed like a year, but it was probably more like five minutes".
"All these questions" It should be "All of these questions"
"What would my parent do." That should have a question mark at the end. Also, does he only have 1 parent? That should be specified.
"My shoulders hunched, I walked solemnly, not even the sweet smells and wind blowing on this perfect day could deny that." It should be "My shoulders hunched and I walked solemnly". "not even the sweet smells and wind blowing on this perfect day could deny that" Replace 'deny' with 'change'.
"Jǐn cǐ yīcì" Isn't that Welsh language?
"As I fell down into my room it showed itself to me:" That line would make more sense for a leprechaun hiding in someone's closet, and when he comes home, it comes out of the closet to say hi. If it was just sitting there when he got in, it didn't show itself to him.
"Didn’t “Huan Yu” the poet get banned" banned from what?
"I was boudha" Buddha*
“All life is good,” that means no more meat. “Easy,” I thought." This part needs to be completely redone.
"As someone prepared dinner the aromas of delicious potstickers and duck, a delicacy to almost anyone, all of a sudden made my stomach turn. " It's all of the sudden, not all of a sudden. Also, there should be a comma in between "dinner" and "the".
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I liked the story a lot, but it seems a tiny bit forced. He reads a book, and it instantly convinces him to change his religion? I loved the idea, and it was a great story, but I think it could be improved by writing a longer story in the future with the same idea. I have to say, however, that the ending point was pretty incredible. It doesn't show him making it to the monastery, but he decides he wants to go, escapes, and starts running.
8.5/10 Story.
I like the amount of emotion you put into this -- there's a very sense of humanity in the narrative that I like to see with writing. You captured exactly what this main character was going through at a very personal level, capturing the anxiety of the MC's situation adequately. Also I enjoy the creative lines and imagery you create. Overall, I think you did a lot of things well. It's a very cleanly written coming of age story that isn't at all hard to get into. The little Chinese that you use doesn't detract from the story because of your translations, either, which is a nice touch.
General things to point out:
I'd make sure to describe what this is early on -- assume your readers don't already know.
Is that a book? Clarify that
I love this line, really creative
I like the contrast between the main character running past the gardener in the beginning, to running past the gardener now.
Now I'm not so sure about this; introducing a new concept or idea in the last paragraph is strange, especially when I'm not sure what link it has with wanting to become a scholar official.
Overall, just better explain what a scholar official is, why the main character wants to become a scholar official, and better describe that link to Buddhism. Your writing itself is good, you just need to explain things better.
I really like it! You used great description. I like the elements of China you put into your writing. I have a few questions for you though. How old is your character? At first with the coloring books I thought the character was a young child then when it ran away I was thinking of the character a bit older and what gender is your character? Overall your story was great i really enjoyed it.
Keep writing. Stay awesome!