Darkness shall grow,
binding the heart
and engulfing the soul.
All light shall fade
all hope is lost.
But within the darkness
an endless shadow,
life shall endure.
If the flicker becomes a blaze
free the heart shall be.
But if it fades,
then it shall forever be
cursed by darkness
and shadow.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello! I'm Amelia. I don't believe I have ever reviewed your work before so here goes. I wont go into any detail reiterating what the other reviewers have said about this being in poetry ( too me, it almost certainly seems like a poem, though you could have just spun a bit of poetic licence on story-writing...). There was no denying that this was gramatically stable (...a few minor spelling mistakes...), however, the words seep blandness. The poem doesn't bore me to death, but it doesnt light that spark in me, so to speak. There was no emotion behind the words and therefore the poem serves little purpose both to your life and to other readers who look to poetry for an emotive, inspiring message. Writing should come from the heart and I felt that this was something that you just created in your head, thought it sounded good, and wrote it down. Sorry for being so harsh. I hope my critique helps you to write with more passion and emotion. Keep writing though, and I'd be happy to review any of your other pieces on request ( or if I fancy out of my own free will, of course...) lol. Enjoy your day.
~ Amelia
Should be in poetry as everyone else stated lol. This was very good otherwise!
Keep Writing!!
--Jalmoc
Yeah, this should be in poetry lol.
heart
forever
I think this passage would make more sense if the line "a flame flickers" or somesuch. Before the blaze part, and as a sign that life is indeed still there.
However, having said that I think this entire piece is pretty much useless. It does nothing and serves no purpose and nor is it a masterpiece of writing, which would excuse the lack of purpose/message. In any sense, this type of poetry has been seen before. Many many times. Why not try to write about something that means a lot to you, something personal. Something people can relate to. See what happens.
This should be in poetry, not fiction. Unless, of course, you want to turn it into a story. Then it's fine.
RR*