Published December 26, 2006
Ding, ding, ding.
"Got to make it before the final bell."
A young boy ruining down the street just barely makes it into the school courtyard before the final bell.
"Made it Jason, but just barely. Your lucky son," says a man walking toward Jason. "Here's your slip."
"Thank you," says Jason out of breath. He takes the slip.
"What made you so late in the first place?"
Jason stands up straight, "Sorry, no time. I'll tell you later. See ya."
Jason runs off towards the school and stops in front of the entrance. "Forest Middle School, what a crap hole." He enters the school and starts walking down the hallway. The only sound that can be heard is the soft tap of his red and white sneakers. He stops in front of room 102. He knocks, than enters.
"Aw, Mr. Roberts, do you have a pass?" Asked an old lady.
"Yes I do Ms. Withers." Jason hands her his slip. Then moves to his seat in the back of the classroom. Shortly after he takes his seat Ms. Withers starts to talk.
"Today is the due date for your poems, would anyone like to share. Jason how about you."
"Me. I didn't rise my hand. So wh....," but he's cut short by his teacher.
"Get up here now," she says.
Jason stairs her in the eye and gets a bad feeling. A shiver runs up his spine.
"Today Mr. Roberts, today!"
Jason stands up and walks to the front of the room. He turns and faces the class. He closes his eyes.
"Darkness shall grow,
binding the heart and engulfing the soul.
Light shall fade,
all hope is lost,
I'm not done yet, but I'm all out of time.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a really simple and short little scene that you've got. And I think its actually really well done. There are some nitpicky things that I will point out down below but as a whole it was a pretty solid little story with a pretty simple premise and plot that works out quite well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The ding ding ding is a nice touch there to start a story and immediately get us thinking of schools but that line there is a little weird because I can't tell who is actually saying that. Now I think you are trying to imply that this is Jason maybe muttering this to himself but on the whole its just not all that clear.
That seems like a pretty good exchange that you've got there although we are left wondering who this man is. Is he a security guard or just who exactly is this? You need to mention that a bit more clearly.
I don't think that "Aw" is the right word to be using there. Other than that its a pretty decent bit of description for him arriving in this class.
This is super relatable right there. Teachers somehow have a habit of doing this to us poor kids. The one thing I find odd is that the teacher can't seem to decide between calling him Mr. Roberts and Jason. You might want to be a little careful there.
Well that's actually a decent poem. I mean I don't know too much about them nor does it seem like there's a proper meaning but is certainly not that bad.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think you've done a pretty awesome job with this story baring those nitpicks. There's enough description and the overall pacing is pretty nice. It's good a good flow to it and we get a sense of who Jason is. And I think that's about all that I have to point out. Good Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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I think that is the new version - Which I have to say is much better than this utter crap you first posted.
I understand that this is after a correction?
I would not like to just copy what Poor Imp said, lol.
I'll be writing the comment as I read, but I've noticed something that your writing lacks: formating. It really is easier for the reader if there are spaces...
quote:
He stops in front of room 102. He knocks, than enters
I think you wanted to write 'then' here
quote:
Asked an old lady.
says a man.
Why don't you describe them? I mean, teh main character knows them, because he tells us who they are... Why use the above form?
I think that you have not enough descriptions here. At some points I find myself lost...
This was a really short piece. I am sorry to say that I did not like it. You were rushing wayyy to fast, being 'out of time' is no explanation. Why are you posting if you are out of time?
Also, instead of 'keeping in mind' what Poor Imp said (I just realized) why don't you try it? Again, I felt totally lost.
okay, I'll keep that in mind.
Hello there Pie --
You're rushing like a madman through the entire thing. Dialogue, brief action - there, you've got notes or filled-out outlining of a story.
But what's a reader to do with it? You haven't left the time to show who your characters are, where they are, or what they might be doing and why. We get a glimpse of it like a speeder gets a glimpse of a speed-trap as he flies past on the road.
You have scraps then, of a complete story. Put it together. ^_^
Above, rushing - try to slow down enough to insert background. It needn't go on for hours. But who has this 'young boy' been? Why in the devil's name is he running late? Is he usually late...?
Take what you have and go through as if you had to explain it to someone who'd never heard of anything remotely like it. It should help.
IMP ^_^
you really need to get going on your book i would like to read it as soon as you finish it. i want to be the first one to read it! so you better finish it quick.