z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Iris (updated)

by phoephernelia


Hellfire, omnipotent and fierce, was all she could see.

Even though her life slowly crumbled into the ground all around her, she stood still clutching her rag doll in the form of a dragon, hypnotized by the beauty of the amber flames. She felt like they talked to her. "Closer......closer, " they said. Unwillingly, her fragile, ivory feet started to move one in front of the other, her eyes wide open, looking up, hugging her little dragon.She gave little steps with her trembling legs forward, as the wood creaked and pieces of stone fell around her. Shes topped. She blinked for the first time.

She couldn’t believe her eyes.

The ambers twirled with each other and the different shades of red came together to form the shape of a woman's upper body. Her feline eyes looked at her with kindness and compassion. Quietly, she began singing a beautiful song. The little girl found herself humming along, even tho she never remember learning the song. She sway forward, in trance. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The warmth of fire brought her memories of her parents, holding her hands as she leaps forward, laughing merrily. She knew that's where she belonged.

A blood curdling shriek pierced her ears and she was brought back to her senses. She prayed to gods she couldn't understand to make it go away. But as much as she tried, it just would not go away. She screamed. She cried. She felt a hand wrap around her, trying to shield her for what was to come.

A dark aura crashed into the window right behind them, landed on the floor leaving a crate and started to take form. She was harshly pushed behind the lady, who stood fearless. Through teary eyes she tried to see him, but it was all blurry. He said something she couldn’t understand. He chuckled at the lady's answer. She couldn't help but notice his voice reminded her of when she ran her nail over a chalkboard. He laughed and laughed till nothing else existed but his laughter. By the time she knew what was happening, she was already on the floor and the man bashed forward and they both sprang into the air.

Red light and purple darkness swirled with each other in a desperate fight to overcome their opponent. As much as light tried to conquer, darkness inevitably crawled into her core and spread all around her being. The now infected light shrilled in pain. The little girl rushed to see if she could help it, but it was too late. She felt the ground shake under the toes. She slipped backwards, but she never touched the ground. She kept falling into a bottomless abyss leaving the light behind her. Frantically her little hands tried to reach for the light, but she missed. In the darkness she saw two eyes the color of the moon, crackling at her, and then all turned to a darkness so dense that when she screamed nothing would come out, and panic started to overcome her little body and she could not breathe....

And that’s when she wakes up. Every time without fail.


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17 Reviews


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Thu May 11, 2017 8:14 pm
JadeBunny wrote a review...



Jade here with a review!

First of all, there are a few typos, like "drag doll" instead of "rag doll". Some of the words, such as "crashedinto" and "crateand" seem to be stuck together. Also, some of the metaphors were awkward and could have been left out. The writing style in general is a bit too flowery and purple.

Nitpicks aside, this was a very intriguing first chapter, and it made me intrigued about the rest of the story. The concept of color/light-related powers is very unique and has rarely been used before. The little girl's POV was also a nice touch.

Keep up the good work!




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Thu May 11, 2017 4:42 pm
Jurelixranoanad wrote a review...



Hi, J here for a review.
WELCOME TO YWS!!
This is pretty good for your first piece, I do have some notes.
In one of the very first sentences you said "she stood still still clutching her drag doll" it should be rag doll.
It doesn't matter what I am reading I like short paragraphs. You just need to break your down, thy are excellent paragraphs they are just too long and confusing.
I like how you did the toddlers POV that added a nice touch.
My biggest note is the story is to flat, you need to show me what is happening instead of telling. Since this is a prologue you get to either make it really detailed so you can get right to the action in the future chapters or you can make it vague to spark interest. You were somewhere in between. I didn't feel any emotion in the toddler I need to know that she was scared or excited.
Over all nice story and I hope you write more chapters soon.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!




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Thu May 11, 2017 2:27 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello phoephernelia, and welcome to YWS.

Well, this was an interesting premise. Two kinds of light fighting each other till light gets "infected". Another thing I found interesting was that it was from a toddler's POV. One tip: I suggest you to break the prologue up into paragraphs. More white space, easy on the eyes of the reader. On paper or on screen, I favor shorter paragraphs.


The main issue here: well, it's rather flat. I know that you want to achieve a distance because this is a prologue, but still. One reason I came up with is that there's a narrative. That's all. I don't feel so much of the toddler's emotions here. I don't see her reaction to so much things. And emotions like "She felt home" can be shown instead of told; it leaves a stronger impression on the reader. For example, the "She felt home" sentence can be rewritten as,

The warmth of the fire reminded her of baths. And her mother's and father's hugs. She hugged her doll tighter and rubbed the flames against her cheek. So much like home...


Well, this isn't a good one either but hopefully it added a *little* more emotion. A better explanation is in this article.

I was also disappointed it ended as a dream. The reason ending with dreams are my pet peeve is because the story was so exciting--and it was a dream. I was also rooting hard for the character, getting to know them--and then *boom!*--I have to get acquainted *again*. I don't know if using a dream as a hook is a great idea. Unless there's a really good reason to use one, I highly recommend AGAINST using dreams as hooks.

Well, I believe that's all I've got to say. Message me if you have any questions about YWS or my review, and have a great day!

This review courtesy of
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