Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Chapter 1.1 Berlin - Munich
It was cold rainy night I was staring out of the window of my one bedroom apartment on the Uhlandstraße in Berlin, Germany. It was the 23rd of December at 6 PM and the streets were bustling with people. Mainly Chinese tourists with their big Nikon Cameras, iPads and iPhones taking pictures of the most ridiculous things. At least ridiculous in my eyes because I do not see the point of taking a picture of a bus stop sign that says the name of the street. At least I do not see the point of taking multiple pictures of the bus stop sign. Anyways as I was saying I was staring out of the window from my bedroom and decided to light a cigarette. The luckies without the added conservatives because in my mind I was being a healthy cigarette smoker and I most likely will not get cancer from “organic” cigarettes. I lit my cigarette with a match I found that to be more classy. It matched my personality despite what others might say but you know what F*ck them. I was 19 years old as a teenager I should still care about what people thought about me. Well truth is I do not, I am not a regular teenager I am an assassin but no one knows about this I work for a company called暗殺者(Asahin) the Japanese word for assassin. I know stupid name if you ask me but that does not matter. Asahin is a large multinational company, with its headquarters in Tokyo. I personally have never been there yet because I was recruited, well actually forced to join them here in Berlin. It was quite an unfortunate situation for me. It was about two years ago I was in the Express bus coming from my school in Zehlendorf heading towards the city center. It was just like any other day except for the fact that a car blew up further down the road. I thought I was in a movie everybody was screaming trying to get out of the bus but they could not because there was huge traffic jam. Suddenly another car blew up and another the cars were blowing up in decreasing order heading towards the bus I was sitting in. I jumped up from my seat and took the small hammer hanging above the window to break the glass door and get out of the bus. The glass broke after one powerful hit; I kicked the rest in with my foot. People were shoving me out of the bus in order to get out quickly themselves. Once I got out I started running and took out my phone dialing 112 the emergency number in Germany. I barely finished punching the digits into my phone when suddenly I heard a loud bang and the floor started shaking the force was so powerful it hit me to the ground. My ears were ringing I tried to turn my head but I was afraid of what I would see. I slowly turned my body to lay on my back and gently lifted my head. All I could see was fire and smoke the bus was barely recognizable only a huge pile of debris along with the bus the whole street looked like a battlefield. People were running in every direction. Mothers were carrying their little children to safety or sitting on the floor crying about the ones they have lost. I still heard no sirens it was painful to watch the chaos in my hometown. I was thinking it must have been ISIS the Syrian terrorist organization. I believed after the attacks in Paris they would be planning to attack us in Berlin. I have stopped watching the news since then because it really took away your will to live everything, which was on TV, was about death and celebrity gossip. Once I was able to stand up I was looking around and listening for another explosion to occur. But there was nothing to see except for fire, blood and tears. Suddenly I saw something that did not quite fit to the situation three people dressed in all black with ski masks on, were recording everything. I have watched many cop shows before I knew these were the bad guys. However I also knew not to approach them but I did anyway. I shouted at them swiftly walking towards their direction but they kept recording and did not move they did not even glance at me for a second. I was sweating more and more the closer I got to them. I was now a few meters away from them but I did not dare to get closer. I was still wondering where the police and ambulances were. The three dark figures finally looked at me one of them was significantly slimmer built and smaller than the other two. I assumed she may be a female terrorist or they were just sick freaks that enjoyed other peoples suffering. The smaller one said, “We’ve been waiting here for you Philip”. I froze how did she know my name? “Who the hell are you and how do you know my name? Did you do all this?” I asked in my most courageous voice. “You’ll find out soon enough and yes pretty cool right?” she said bluntly. I was about to throw a fit. I was freaking out inside, how could she be so calm in this entire situation. Why would she want to record it, so she can experience it again and again? Where were the damn cops? The other two black figures, which I assumed were men according to their height and build did not speak they kept recording with their phones. Then they stopped recording and nodded at the girl they started walking swiftly to a black Range Rover and opened the door. The girl was still standing in front of me just looking at me with her dark green eyes. She grabbed me by the shoulder so tightly I thought she was going to tear my entire arm off. She pulled me to the SUV and for some unknown reason I did not resist. To this day I do not know why I did not try to call for help or run. They took off their ski masks and started driving down one of the side streets. Police cars and ambulances were racing past us. The guy who was driving the black SUV was no older than me, twenty years old at most. The guy in the passenger seat was significantly older he had brownish/gray hair. I assumed he was in his late forties. No one was speaking and I dared not to break the silence I was terrified. What did they want from me? I was not even able to identify them before but now they know I know what they look like. I was a threat I bet I was going to end up in one of those videos you see on YouTube of terrorist groups beheading journalists or being burned alive. In my head I was listing all the possible ways they could kill me once they were back in Syria. We drove what felt like an eternity and nobody said a word the older man in the passenger seat turned on the radio. The radio was playing Mozart I did not know what piece, classical music was not exactly my forte. I was more into hip-hop and RnB but I was not going to ask him to change the radio station because I feared they might then kill me sooner. The girl sitting next to me was very beautiful she had long brown hair, piercing dark green eyes and a face as beautiful as the faces sculpted on statues during Ancient Greece. For a second I almost forgot she was also a terrorist but there was something about the expression on her face that made me feel sorry for her. I looked out the window we were almost in Munich. I had a disgusted look on my face I hated Bavaria and everything about it. Fat posh Germans with their trophy wives, beer and sausages. I know it sounds like a stereotype but in this case it is one hundred percent accurate. Finally we arrived at Munich airport. The girl told me to roll up my sleeves and I did she jabbed a needle into my arm. She told me this poison would kill me in about 24 hours and if I wanted to live I would have to calmly walk through security with them and not say a word. Once we board the plane she would give me the antidote. I did not even have the opportunity to reply before she dragged me out of the car and gave me my passport and my black leather backpack. I had no time to ask her how she got my stuff but I figured if she knew my name she must probably have known where I lived. I walked calmly into the airport and went to the check-in counter followed by the others. They told me their names earlier in the car well at least a name. Apparently Bob was the name of the older guy, John the name of the other guy and the girl was called Sally. Either their parents were very uncreative or hated them or they were just fake names. Either way that was unimportant. I gave the woman my passport and she confirmed my name and my seat in first class on the Atlantic Ocean flight non-stop to Tokyo. BTW If you were wondering why I haven’t mentioned my parents yet that is because they died ages ago. I was two years old or something like that. My grandparents took me in but they passed away last year. I inherited their house and since I was officially legal with 18 I did not have to go to foster care thank god. I sold their house and bought myself an apartment on the Ku’damm. It was weird that I did not feel any real attachment to the house or my grandparents it was as if they were not my real grandparents but strangers I lived with. When I looked at pictures of me with my mom and dad they seemed so distant to me but maybe because I was so young when they died.
We were on our way to the security check the line was very long and I was checking on the TV, which was playing the news, if anything about the bombings in Berlin was showing. But it was only showing the results of last nights soccer match, Hertha beat Hamburg HSV 3:0. That made me smile a bit, it is weird how something so insignificant can make me smile. I was wondering why no one had reported the incident someone must have heard it or at least saw it. I was beginning to question my mental state, was I dreaming? Was this the longest and most gruesome nightmare I cannot wake up from? Suddenly I felt someone shoving me, it was Sally, and it was my turn for the routine security check at the airport. I took off my belt, shoes and jacket and put them in the grey trays. Then I took my phone and small change out and put it in the tray as well. The security guard gave me a hand gestured and nodded meaning I could walk through the metal detector scanner. It didn’t beep, I do not know why but for someone reason I always felt a little relief, when I walked through it with the green light. I did not like the attention you get when it beeps, when everyone stares at you as if you were a caged zoo animal.
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I clicked on this because I was hoping it would be a work in Japanese, so I feel very misled. Why is the title in kanji while the rest is in English?
Also, I'm wondering where you got Asahin from because that is not a plausible transcription at all from the kanji. The proper transcription would be Ansatsu Sha, and the meaning of the kanji is super obvious to anyone who can read Chinese characters, so it's a really not-subtle name for an organization of assassins.
What it looks like to me is that you saw the characters somewhere with unusual furigana, probably of the "English" pronunciation because it's cooler to use the English pronunciations in Japan, only "assassin" is "asashin", so it looks like you have a typo there regardless...
Honestly, I didn't make it past the second instance of 暗殺者 because it makes no sense why you'd be using the kanji first (much less an English reading of the Japanese characters) and not bother to ensure the accuracy of the transcription. It smacks too much of using Japanese things in a story because it's "cool", without any actual research done, and that's really disrespectful to Japanese culture.
Including other cultures in your writing is great and all, but only when done respectfully, and part of respectfully including other cultures involves doing the research, especially as not doing the research results in pretty offensive portrayals.
Like, did you know that Asians assassins is a really harmful and pervasive stereotype in media? Because it is. Mainly because Asians of all sorts are typecast into the roles of killers and villains as a result.
You probably weren't intending to do harm with your portrayals of any Asians, but I think it's worth asking yourself why you felt it a good idea to have a Japanese organization of assassins as a major point of the setting rather than a German group (since this is set in Germany) or literally any other group of people.
Also, before you include anything from cultures other than your own, researching thoroughly is a requirement, especially as a lack of research reflects poorly on your writing as a whole since, if you didn't care enough to do some basic research, you probably didn't care enough about your writing to proofread it before posting.
Such a poor impression makes it hard for readers to take your writing seriously, so you'll want to address that somehow, whether it be by doing more thorough research or sticking to writing about things you're more familiar with.
In this story's case, I think more research is definitely the way to go, not just on Japanese culture, but also on how real-world assassins organize as well as how they're portrayed in various forms of media.
The more you know, the better your writing will be.
Paragraph breaks, fellow human. Have you ever heard of it?
There is an amazing amount of things that are wrong with this work. There are also an amazing amount of things that are questionable, but not necessarily wrong. I sort of wish there was a little more to be praised about, but there isn't much here. Overall, I just don't know what to do with this work, and I feel like this will be especially negative, so if you aren't into that probably avoid this entirely.
However, before you leave, fun fact: I put the title through Google Translate, and apparently the word is both Chinese and Japanese. Fun.
Opening
I don't have as big of a beef with the beginning, as it was mostly ordinary. Yeah, it could've hooked me in better, on the whole it was pretty mundane, and had some unnecessary details (bolded)
But it's ordinary, there's nothing fundamentally wrong with it. I will say, however, that it does set up the protagonist as a bit of a jerk, which I'm not sure is what you would've wanted. I mean, yeah fine, he's just thinking that the tourists are taking stupid pictures, that's fine. I have no problem with that. It's superficial criticism, the sort that prompts me asking "Why do you care?", but it's on par with an old guy complaining about how the young'ins are self-obsessed just because they like taking photos of themselves. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, it's just annoying to people who don't care.
Which brings me to,
Characterization
I don't believe an organization would blow up a place just to take a teenager. I don't care what the reason is, this is overblown and ridiculous. I'm guessing it's probably "Your Father Was the Best Operative We Ever Had" or "You Have Abilities Nobody Else Has" or something else, but if you do plan to recruit him into some sort of secret and cool organization, I do not believe either explanations. And I don't want to. I'm not going to hold up my willing suspension of disbelief for this character, because right in the middle of the story I already know I don't like him.
Look, I hate it when people say 'make your characters likeable' because that's frankly BS--you don't have to make a character likeable to make the audience like them. I would punch BBC's Sherlock long before I befriend him, and I still like his character, I still think he's worthwhile. However, I begrudgingly agree that a character at the very least has to be admirable to be liked. And I not-so-begrudgingly agree that some things will always be annoying to the reader, even in an admirable character.
One of these things is smugness, and not the deserved kind. Reading through this character's head, that's all I could think about--how smug he sounded, how self-satisfied yet also cynical. He sounds like an edgy fifteen-year-old.
Wow, you're judging people based off what they think is interesting. How profound. Have you ever thought that these people might be saving memories for their future, proving that they once existed on the streets of Germany? Or maybe that being in a foreign country is such an amazing feeling that even the bus stops seem transcendental? Seriously, I know I said you're allowed to think these things, but stop being judgmental, jeez.
I don't even know what to say to this. This line makes me wonder if you were intentionally writing him like a jerk, because it sounds so self-content. "Oh, I'm so cool, I'm lighting an organic cigarette that won't give me cancer probably. It totally matches my personality, because I'm edgy and dark. Like, screw the haters, man." I repeat what I said about edgy fifteen-year-old.
"I'm different, you guys, nobody understaaaaaands me."
Look, I don't necessarily mind having a teenage assassin thing. I can believe that if the story has enough admirable qualities to compensate for that sort of ridiculousness, or at least if the protagonist was charming. The protagonist here could be charming, if he wasn't so self-absorbed. "I lit my cigarette with a match I found that to be more classy." Yeah, classy, fine okay, you think you're classy, great. "I am not a regular teenager" Yeah, okay, my brother used to say that to during his MCR years. "It matched my personality despite what others might say but you know what F*ck them." You're right, cigarettes do match your personality. To everybody else you make an annoying cloud of smoke that gets in their faces.
Look. Look. There's nothing inherently wrong with his character. There's nothing inherently wrong with a teenage assassin who smokes or judges Chinese tourists. But here's the thing; the character so obviously wants us to believe he's cool and brooding when he's really doing nothing cool and brooding. He says he's an assassin but he hasn't killed anybody yet and we don't know how cold-blooded he really is. Our first impression of this guy is a) him pondering about how cool a cigarette makes him look and judging Chinese tourists, b) him being kidnapped by a terrorist cell. Not exactly the image of coolness here. And it would be one thing if the audience didn't know what to expect of him, but his voice constantly, constantly tells us that we're supposed to feel a certain way about him, that we're supposed to look at him as this tragic anti-hero with a past, and he has done nothing to support that. It's annoying. I mean, you wouldn't hate a friend who couldn't draw and drew a bad picture of a flower. You would despise a friend who constantly says that they paint better than Leonardo Da Vinci, and drew nothing. A flaw is one thing, undeserved boasts are another. There's a reason why Pride is at the top of the Seven Deadly Sins list.
Which makes this characterization definitely questionable, especially if you want us to root for the character later on. This could be a jokey take on standard character tropes, but if it was, it's much too convincing in the role. There's nothing to laugh at other than its sheer horribleness.
SettingMish-Mashes of CountriesOkay, when I saw the Japanese name, I immediately thought "Oh God no someone appropriating culture in order to look cool." And so far, that's pretty much what it is for me, considering it's not used in a meaningful way that would comment on the culture and how it connects to the story. Also, the fact that its set in Germany is sort of cool, because it comments on the state of Europe a bit, but I still have no idea what purpose it serves and how it connects to a Japanese organization. I don't know if you can connect it, but overall the setting is just a little to mish-mash for my taste.
Plot & Voice
Okay, so to speed things up because I've spent too much on this already, basically the structure of the plot is a mess. The plot itself is backwards, going:
1. The main character introduces himself in a place, without any real purpose,
2. The character explains his past, also without any real human purpose because nothing really reminds him of his past,
3. The character's past includes him going home from school and being attacked by terrorists that kidnap him,
4. And finally the story wraps up with the terrorists dragging him through airplane security (which is also unbelievable because of how tight customs are but most of the story is so unbelievable so I'm forced to give this a pass),
but how it's executed is so confusing and strange that I don't even know where to start. First off, everything is explained by the character's voice, which I already explained as being extremely annoying. However, it's even more annoying how he makes sentences like,
I could call this a quirky, Lemony-Snickets sort of voice that refers to the audience and explains about how stupid everything is if it wasn't so stupid itself. But that's a matter of characterization, the other problem when it comes to the voice is the fact that it has no purpose in being that way. I mean, it sounds like it's supposed to be casual and humorous which would make a good contrast with the dark tone, but it just sounds bored, as if it could be playing a much more interesting game of Tetris instead of telling this story. And that seems into the problem with the plot as well, because the bored voice of the narrator also makes the entire plot seem boring, even though objectively I guess it isn't? It's just very, very confusing.
Ending
Alright, in all seriousness--where is the ending? Because what you have now is anything but an ending.
And I'm saying this seriously. I know there's such a thing as a continuation, but that does not excuse cutting a story off in the worst place possible. You didn't even cut it off for a cliffhanger, you just cut it off mid-way into a thought and action, and not even the most interesting thought and action.
What is that supposed to mean? Why is it there? Where is it going? You want an ending to leave a good impression on your audience, this ending doesn't leave any impression on the audience. It's like you're just finished talking to a stranger, and then he dies mid-way into saying "You know I really like custard pie." It's not dramatic because those are not dramatic final words, "Tell my wife I love her" or "May God forgive me for all I've done" are dramatic, "You know I really like custard pie" is almost comedically normal. And that's why when you have something as normal and inane as your current ending, it doesn't leave the reader with a good impression and the reader feels like they're not obliged to read further.
Overall, I didn't like this work, but I think it still has potential. The plan with the slow poison not killing anybody actually sounds great in concept, and I think if you gave the name of an actual poison that takes 24 hours to work it would be even better, but ultimately that one little detail suggests that you do know what you're doing. Next time I hope you learn how to use paragraphs and maybe make your characters more admirable, because in this case the work really suffered from those two lacking.
Sincerely,
--Elliot.
Hey. So first thing I really recognized about this work was that it is very bunched up and hard to read. I would suggest you separate it more so that it is easier to understand.
"It was cold rainy night I was staring out of the window of my one bedroom apartment on the Uhlandstraße in Berlin, Germany."
Add in an "and" right before I.
"Anyways as I was saying I was staring out of the window from my bedroom and decided to light a cigarette. "
The "anyways, as I was saying" kind of breaks the flow and leaves me hanging for a bit. Although if you do want to keep this add in a comma after anyways and saying. The word decided almost seems as if he really thought about if he should light that cigarette. Perhaps use a different word so it sounds more carefree?
'It matched my personality despite what others might say but you know what F*ck them"
Add in a question mark after you know what, then make the rest a separate sentence.
"I know stupid name if you ask me but that does not matter. "
I notice a lack of commas in the way you write, perhaps because your mind is functioning faster than you can write which I understand. Comma after I know.
"I barely finished punching the digits into my phone when suddenly I heard a loud bang and the floor started shaking the force was so powerful it hit me to the ground."
The last part where you say "started shaking the force was so powerful" put in an and after shaking.
Overall I would just watch out for your grammar, otherwise the potential is there for you. Keep on writing!
Thanks! Yeah it's a pretty rough rough draft haha. I enjoy screenwriting more but I am afraid someone might steal my idea if I upload it onto the website xD
Oh that is true lol