Young Writers Society

Heya, Phekima! Casanova here to do a review for you!

The Good things

Overall, I think you have a strong idea. You take this to a level where it's obviously personal to you, and put it on a page. So props for that. I like how you can sense the emotion coming out of this, and in some places the images are doing pretty well as well. So again, props for that. Anyway, onward.

Things I think can be worked on

You have no punctuation in this, and I think it's hindering your flow. Like, for the most part it seems a bit ongoing, and I didn't really enjoy that. I would suggest adding commas in parts at the very least- although a period or two wouldn't hurt in my opinion.

The next thing is the bluntness. Although I enjoyed it, I think you could have taken a more subtle approach to this topic. Using imagery to tell your story. Because as of right now it seems more like a rant than it does a poem. Which I guess they could be the same thing- but as of now I don't see it.

The next thing is the way it's formatted. There's extra white space between the lines- so I would suggest using shift key + enter to get rid of that while writing on the pub center.

Anyway, overall I think this could use some tweaking with imagery, flow, and such. I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To begin, i'd like to compliment you on your use of figurative language and imagery here. The words you used created a vibrant picture that really pulled me in, it was quite interesting to read. However, i do feel there is a lot of work to be done here.
First, line breaks. Line breaks are meant to be used to indicate rhythm, and most commonly when a reader reads a line break they read it as a pause. So, if this were one big sentence, every line break would be a comma. The way you utilized the line breaks made the poetry hard to understand, even though your words were so good. i suggest going back through and re-reading this piece, and grouping your words into lines by things you consider one phrase.
Another suggestion, which goes along the line of formatting, is that you divide this poem into stanzas. i realize this poem is a little short, and if after you've edited it you find that stanzas would seem awkward feel free to leave them out. However, as i read the poem now, i think it would benefit from stanzas. You can create stanzas by going through and grouping lines together by the central idea that is expressed. When you switch to a new idea, start a new stanza. This will make the message of your poem easier for your reader to understand.
Another thing that i suggest including is punctuation. When properly used, line break and stanzas can properly imitate the purpose of punctuation, but i feel that in this case punctuation would be a great thing to use. i'm guessing you know how to punctuate properly, so go through and add periods and commas wherever you deem necessary.
Now, these may seem like a bunch of nitpicky suggestions, but i think they are very important. What you have to say seems beautiful and very important to you, but the message is hard to decipher because of the formatting. If you just work on it a little bit, the theme can be better defined and can have an even greater impact on your audience.
Anyways, good luck with your writing! If you have any questions, please let me know, i would love to further assist you!
herbgirl