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Wasteland

by phekima


teeth rattle to the beats of

the wind and the knuckles

to the ruffles of leaves and

sheaves to the bleats of

wolfs like sheep

the land cackles like the

witches of oz and old and

tattles like nomadic tongues

spewing curses in two folds and

threes and fours like fell trolls

in green and white and green

till her denizens become citizens

bathed in spite and creams

of crimson blood skinned in

wars and gusts of dust of

bombs and angry cannons

till fear and death linger in

the air like tears of

the moon and gaunt fingers

wither in hunger and want

and hope

that may never come

till these scums in golds and

robes be sent to

slums in silver caskets

the grisly cackle of the land

shall not cease and the

tune of tombs and gloom shall

soon lull the land

into macabrous peace till

the end of eternity

begins

again

w a s t e l a n d.


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User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

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Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:24 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Phekima! Casanova here to do a review for you!

The Good things

Overall, I think you have a strong idea. You take this to a level where it's obviously personal to you, and put it on a page. So props for that. I like how you can sense the emotion coming out of this, and in some places the images are doing pretty well as well. So again, props for that. Anyway, onward.

Things I think can be worked on

You have no punctuation in this, and I think it's hindering your flow. Like, for the most part it seems a bit ongoing, and I didn't really enjoy that. I would suggest adding commas in parts at the very least- although a period or two wouldn't hurt in my opinion.

The next thing is the bluntness. Although I enjoyed it, I think you could have taken a more subtle approach to this topic. Using imagery to tell your story. Because as of right now it seems more like a rant than it does a poem. Which I guess they could be the same thing- but as of now I don't see it.

The next thing is the way it's formatted. There's extra white space between the lines- so I would suggest using shift key + enter to get rid of that while writing on the pub center.

Anyway, overall I think this could use some tweaking with imagery, flow, and such. I think that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




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193 Reviews


Points: 575
Reviews: 193

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Fri Feb 03, 2017 9:28 pm
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To begin, i'd like to compliment you on your use of figurative language and imagery here. The words you used created a vibrant picture that really pulled me in, it was quite interesting to read. However, i do feel there is a lot of work to be done here.
First, line breaks. Line breaks are meant to be used to indicate rhythm, and most commonly when a reader reads a line break they read it as a pause. So, if this were one big sentence, every line break would be a comma. The way you utilized the line breaks made the poetry hard to understand, even though your words were so good. i suggest going back through and re-reading this piece, and grouping your words into lines by things you consider one phrase.
Another suggestion, which goes along the line of formatting, is that you divide this poem into stanzas. i realize this poem is a little short, and if after you've edited it you find that stanzas would seem awkward feel free to leave them out. However, as i read the poem now, i think it would benefit from stanzas. You can create stanzas by going through and grouping lines together by the central idea that is expressed. When you switch to a new idea, start a new stanza. This will make the message of your poem easier for your reader to understand.
Another thing that i suggest including is punctuation. When properly used, line break and stanzas can properly imitate the purpose of punctuation, but i feel that in this case punctuation would be a great thing to use. i'm guessing you know how to punctuate properly, so go through and add periods and commas wherever you deem necessary.
Now, these may seem like a bunch of nitpicky suggestions, but i think they are very important. What you have to say seems beautiful and very important to you, but the message is hard to decipher because of the formatting. If you just work on it a little bit, the theme can be better defined and can have an even greater impact on your audience.
Anyways, good luck with your writing! If you have any questions, please let me know, i would love to further assist you!
herbgirl



Random avatar
phekima says...


Thank you for taking time to review. I've been reading a lot of Safia Elhilo, E. E Cummings, and Gbenga Adesina recently so I've been doing some experimentations, trying out poetry with no punctuation and terminating sentences prematurely to create an aching feeling of meanings chasing after each other.
I obviously have to do better. I would go over the poem again to see what I can do. Thanks




"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov