Published September 23, 2009
The asterisks are because the spacing got messed up somehow. Please pay them no mind.
*
*
*
She will not look,
Refuses to see;
Only knowing what is beneath
Fingertips quietly whispering—
Those lovely black and white keys.
*
Out of her heart pours music,
Filling the room to the brim;
Drowning out the silence so unfeeling.
*
It tells of all emotions,
Hidden underneath fragile skin;
Of hopes fallen,
Of dreams devastated.
Of when she so despertly
Tried to glue them back together.
*
When the song was ruined,
She walked the line;
Chosing everything short of suicide.
*
Slipping on cruel words of a treacherous world,
She broke through a net,
Of thin spider’s string,
Onto a lake of hateful, broken ice.
*
Her feet opened on the shards like knives,
The sky her reflection with a blood-faced moon.
Tears of glasss streak dwon her face,
Her never-ending, always flowing scars.
*
The lake behind her,
She trod a road name Distress,
Littered with corpses of memories
She tried to forget.
*
Until, on that road, she came upon a sign that read,
“Break the cycle of pain,
Go down a trail you’ve never seen,
For not every heart is empty,
Every wing does not have to be broken.”
*
So down the way she travled,
Finding the room in which she now dwells,
Playing out the song of her pain,
So she may write a new song.
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139,437 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hello phantom,
I thought this piece was beautiful; the topic was a little overused but the language in which you described it was beautiful. Kudos also for having the main character redeem herself, and not have a lover help her to the surface.
That was a wonderful stanza.
In short, keep writing and think of other topics besides the fallen and redeem to springboard your imagination.
fantastic job and keep writing,
Empress
Hi there phantom_blackfire_wings. I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, I like how you're trying to tell a story in this poem. I always appreciate it when people try to do that instead of just navel gaze. It indicates that they are aware of what poetry is capable of.
But, I have to question parts of this. When the person in the poem falls, and then when she is lifted up again, it seems kind of generic. I've heard it said a thousand times before, and it's really not doing anything for me. I would advise that you tinker with that last part of the poem and see if you can't give it a bit more of your own voice.
Other than that, this is a solid poem. You just need to put a little more work into it. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to float me a PM.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
I really loved this, Phantom. I agree with Moriah on the fact that you didn't come right out and say that she was playing the piano, but still made it clear using certain adjectives.
This stanza in particular entertains me. The third line doesn't quite flow as neatly as the other two do, but it's okay.
Also, at the end you say she plays the song of her pain so that she may write a new song, but the way you word it makes it sound like she'll play that song forever, thus contradicting with what was supposed to be a hopeful ending. But that's just from my perspective.
Other than those things, I think you have a very solid poem! Great work!
P.S. And if you're wondering where the spell check that Moriah mentioned is, it's at the top right of the text box when you submit a work or post.
Wow, this is really great writing. I love how you don't come right out and say that she is playing the piano. And how her music was not only the beginning of her fall but also that which brings her back up out of the abyss. Very deep. I loved it!
Very few tiny nitpicks:
I wish you hadn't said this line. It just seems overused. Could you make the music something a bit more obscure? Like the melody or notes or tempo. I'm not sure if this makes sense.
You had a few minor spelling errors, if you skim through, you should probably catch them. Just do spellcheck before you post anything, that way it saves both us the hassle of pointing out minor details instead of focusing on the big picture.
Good job!
gosh, it caught my attention dear.. its so intriguing.. have a nice day!
Hey Phantom.
As I said, this is a good basis for something that can be even better!
You have a rather nice balance of imagery and "realism" here - nevertheless, I think you could use more descriptive words and phrases instead of the regular "shattered", "beautiful", "broken", and the like. You need to make the basic rising-after-falling topic of the poem stand out in a never-seen-before way so it will do its job and awe the readers. This is a good start, though, and being the optimistic I am, I always appreciate a happy ending.
Another thing I would suggest for this poem is pay attention to the flow. At the moment it's sort of... not there, and although a poem can be good without flowing really well, I personally prefer it to flow. Of course, it's just a matter of taste.
Also, when writing poetry, try to challenge yourself. It's really interesting to see how far you can actually reach if you just try.
I'm sorry I don't have anything more specific to say about this poem, but in the end it's you who notices best the things that could use changing. Just read and read and read it, over and over again, and out loud, too.
PM me with any questions!
Demeter
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