Old House On The Hill

Hey, well I've read something else of yours! I really loved the imagery, your really good at creating a picture and sticking with it. The only thing I'd have to say is that this line "Languishing on her grassy throne" Doesn't fit the rhythm well and threw me off, even when I read it a third time to try and see if I could work it out. Each time, I stumbled on that part. I don't know what it is about it, probably the languishing part, too many syllables or something. So yea... that's it. Great job!
~ Nightlyowl

Hello Pen, Jordin with a review for you and me team, I hope it helps.

Well the first thing I noticed is that there is no punctuation, I mean really just try and read something like this, no pauses and pleas don't say this is a special kind pf poetry because all of the poetry that I have been reading I am being told that.

Okay so what are you talking in here you talk about monolith and a child and a her in a throne, what I am trying to say is what are YOU trying to tell the reader?

Well your rimes need a little punctuation and patch work I would just think of a bunch of words that time with Moon or lith and stuff like that in the first line and find places to put them I mean you do not have to put them all in but only need to put like the ones that would go into it nicely.

Anyways I loved it it had good writing and stuff I mean really good compared to some of the works that I have seen so I hope this was of some use to you and maybe it could help next time you write something.

Keep writing and good luck just remember that practice make perfect and I hope that you write some more.

(I know that sometime I do not put a point in but I can tell you a poem that has a point is amazing.)

May god be with you.

~Jon~

Hey Pensword,

by the way, I absolutely love your username Really perfect choice for yws. Now, as to your poem, first thing that struck me was the ease in the diction and word choices. Perhaps its also an effect of the rhyming as well, it really has this old-world sort of dramatic feel about it. I love the imagery here of a rotten hull on a hill -- it certainly has this mysterious and wondrous aspect to it, as we're prone to wonder how it got there.

See, the title says house, but 'hull' for me (and I dunno if this is regional or country difference, or entirely intentional) means, 'ship' -- so this has an aura of ghost story around it too, particularly that third stanza! Love the detail of the voice that will grace the halls no more.

I think you did an amazing job maintaining your rhyme and flow throughout. The weakest stanza to me is probably the second one. The children/child doesn't really get mentioned anywhere else in the poem, and I'm not quite sure what their relation to this image or subject is. Were they once the occupants of this dwelling/ship? And if so, why entirely children? Hmm.

Other than that though, a great, vivid image here. Well done!

~ as always, Audy

Hello! First off, a bit of a nit-pick.

"See what time's cruel fingers wrought?
Erasing empty hull from the thought
Voice will grace the halls no more
the only sound is the wind's dull roar

And as the storm comes swiftly nigh
No man will shut out the thunder's cry"

- I believe if you read it with the 'the' addition, the flow will be better and make more sense, but that's just my point of view. That is pretty much all the bad I've found in your piece, the rest was interesting to read, the flow was well versed and enjoyable, the piece leaves a good impression and feels like there's more to it than meets the eye. Looking forward to seeing more of your works, have fun writing =)

This is so expressive and beautiful! It was great. It didn't seem overdone or underbaked. The question even caught me by surprise, and was thrilling. To me, the house sounds like an innocent of some sort. Especially by the last line, "No man will shut out thunder's cry" Like they need someone to protect it. Nice flowing language.