The Pine Shelter building used to be the local pawn shop. Then they decided that we needed to preserve every object that we could. Every item in the Pine Pawn Store stayed there when they changed it into the Shelter, along with any item a person was willing to give up, items owned by people who died, and anything found on the road.
.
There was even a separate room for garbage. It wasn't so much a room as it was a vault, but they had to keep the smell locked up somehow. Once every two weeks they sprayed a chemical around the vault door that wouldn't harm the items inside, but it got rid of any odor particles. It was made by some local guy who was said to be a genius. At least, that's what my dad says.
.
My dad works for the government, so he's allowed in the Shelter as much as he wants. I'm not, but I go in with him if I promise not to let go of his hand. I'm 12, but that's how it has been for as long as I can remember. Everything else that has to deal with that place is a secret. We rarely see anyone else in the Shelter, but when we do, I have to hide so they don't know I'm there. No one's noticed so far, and we have to keep it that way.
.
I really like it there, unlike my brother. He says it's a place of secrets and lies. He has all these theories about the government and that place, but I refuse to believe him. At least one thing will go against a theory or belief, so you might as well believe what you want.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,415 Literary Works • 673,176 Reviews
Hey there! Music here for a review.
If you've seen my portfolio at all, I've only got two stories. And they're not that creative. So basically, I envy you of how great this story was! I want to write like this someday, so I may need a few pointers from you. (;
So, in the case of it being "YWS Review Day", I gotta give this review a little more meat than I normally would. I started off with what I over about it, so now I'll give you a few tiny things to improve on. As I said, I really enjoyed this story, topic and all. However, this story has no ending at all. It's ashame because this topic you chose is really unique and different, that's what I like about it. I very highly suggest to you to add a lot more to the story. That way, you can build your ending much more and actually give an adventure here.mi mean, you left me wanting to reds more so it's not like you don't have anywhere to go with it! So please, I beg of you... WRITE MORE, IT'S NECESSARY TO MY SURVIVAL!
Another thing, I noticed that some people don't like your separating periods, but I think they aren't a problem at all. Publishing center is set up weird, so don't sweat. Also, as I say in many of my reviews, give some more background to this. When you do that, you pull your readers in even more when you get to a dramatic part or ending. If you really put some more creativity into the characters, your story will take on more life.
Overall, fantastic story, really. I loved it so much. Add more and you'll be set. As always, keep writing.
~ musicandme
Thank you very much. Because I know what it's like to need to know more, I will write more XD Don't know when though... sorry!
Not sure what to think of the periods between paragraphs. My suggestion is to just get rid of them and make transitions between paragraph so it flows nicely, and then it's more like a story.
Interesting idea... where did you come up with this?
I think you should also add what's so special about this building... what does it mean to the character? Why is it important?
Good job otherwise. Me gusta.
-rissy
See the reply to Abby's comment about the periods.
I honestly have no idea how I came up with this; maybe even a couple years ago I feared having few physical things we have now in the future.
Thanks!
ok. cool
So, something about formatting that I personally find distracting and unnecessary are the periods separating paragraphs. But, hey, that's kinda your signature thing with your poetry. So whatever works:)
It might be nice to explain the premise of the story more...who are your characters really, describe more. Overall more of that is needed, I believe.
Otherwise it's hard for readers to get hooked.
Looking forward to seeing more of what your stories have to hold
Thanks for breaking out of your shell
persevere. writing is hell.
~iron.n
I do that because I don't know how to make stanzas/paragraphs on here. You leave a space, and it disappears.
it's just a random thing that happened.
Makes sense, but I never wrote this intending for it to be a real story
You make no sense sometimes, Iron.n
'course not, i'm a writer XD.
i'll teach you formatting sometime. it's weird on here
Hey, farah here to review.
I'll start right off with the content instead of the nitpicking.
I can relate to the style of so much because I'm a type of person who writes whatever comes to mind on spot. It helps to preserve those ideas. So I really appreciate the fact that you just 'wrote' without caring about other factors-that is something most writers lack. We focusing so much on perfection that we end up not putting down those little thoughts onto paper.
This piece of writing has the potential to become a very good short story. Add description of the setting. Try to keep a smooth flow as you move on to explain what the place all about. You've done pretty well building up the suspense. You could keep it at that, or you give the reader some more hints as to what might be going on there. Also, while reading I felt like there was too much narration going on. But that's just my opinion.
Overall, a great read. Hope to read more of writeups!
Thanks!
I really like the idea of this story, but I felt like the whole story was scattered.
I was lost while reading some of it. When you were talking about the Pine Shelter, as a reader, I was not able to imagine it because there weren't any details about it. Then, after you finished with the first two paragraphs, it seemed like you jumped into details about the dad. I felt like none of it was finished. I never got the point the story was making.
I do think this has potential though, it just needs more details and some changes.
Hmm. Thanks. I appreciate your suggestions for improvement
. I guess I never really thought about that because it was already pictured in my head, and I was just writing for the heck of it.