Edward Pieter Eveland and I, Emory Hebrew Nylo, became friends the summer after second grade at a church camp. We went to the same school and church, and still do, but we didn’t really talk to each other until then. Our moms both went as leaders, and they talked a lot, so in turn we ended up spending time together as well.
In our junior year of high school, Ed was led to believe a time machine had appeared in an alleyway of town. He said he had a dream that told him what and where it was, and it wasn’t a normal dream. It didn’t feel like a dream your brain comes up with. It felt like it was purposely planted there, but he’s always been a little more superstitious than most. He continued to explain that even when he woke up it didn’t feel normal; it felt like waking up from a vision of sorts rather than sleep. I, of course, as any good friend would, called him insane. He didn’t appreciate being called that, though. He’s always been a pretty stubborn person-- always standing up for his beliefs, and never letting a point go unproven—but he does know when to admit he’s wrong. For days we argued about whether the “dream” was real or impossible.
Finally, because we’re both so stubborn we never get anywhere, I said I would go with to check out where he thought the time machine was. So, after school, we drove to the abandoned part of our town where every building was dark and crumbling, the street lights were never turned on, and the cement was broken and covered with dirt and leaves. Edward confidently led the way to the middle of the few blocks that are known among teenagers as “Death Row.”
When we got to a random alley, Edward stopped in his tracks, staring at something he was blocking my view of. After I recovered from almost running into him, I got out from behind him, and I saw what made him freeze. At the end of the gravel path sat a huge silver… thing. It was probably a little taller than a one-story building, but it wasn’t too wide. It was the shape of a cylinder and had a radius of about ten feet. The bottom rested on the ground. There was no ladders or stairs. How long had it been there? And how did it get there?!
I was pretty freaked out by this point, so I started slowly backing up, but Ed turned around and grabbed my wrist. He stared straight at me with the same excitement in his eyes that a kid has on Christmas. “Oh no, you are not leaving now,” he said as he started pulling me slowly towards the daunting machine.
“Ed, stop!” I screamed. He stopped. “What are you doing?! We have no idea what that is! What if someone’s in there? What if something is in there?”
“Trust me, okay? I have a feeling that no one has used this in a long time.” He was so calm, and I didn’t like it.
“A feeling isn’t enough!”
“Emory. It will be fine. C’mon,” he coaxed.
After a few seconds I saw from the look in his eyes that he wasn’t backing down. “Fine. But you’re going in first, so if anything is in there it’ll eat you before me,” I snapped.
“Wow. Thanks,” he said sarcastically as he turned around and pulled me along by my hand. My heart was beating in my ear, and my breathing was heavy. It only got worse as we slowly made our way closer to the foreign object.
When we got to the machine, Ed quickly figured out how to open it. He found a way to wedge his fingers into the crevice where the door opened and pushed. Once it was open, he didn’t hesitate to walk in. I wanted to tell him to stop, to think about it, but I knew he wouldn’t change his mind. He disappeared into the darkness of the circular room.
I stayed outside for a few seconds, bracing myself for any sound that would indicate a person being attacked or eaten. I was breathing was deep and shaky, and I was so scared I could feel the sting of tears behind my eyes. I wanted anything but to be there; I even thought about running away. But after nothing happened for a while, I figured I should go in after Ed before he did something stupid like try and get the machine to start. So with a pounding heart and every dangerous thing possibly lurking in the darkness running through my head, I stepped over the small bump that marked the entrance.
Right when I walked in, the door closed behind me, and Ed called my name. He sounded as giddy as a child. “Emory! I think I found the lights!” Before my eyes had a chance to adjust, Edward turned the lights on, and everything was white. I gasped, quickly shut my eyes, and went into a squatting position, trying to protect my eyes from the light as they burned.
Within a few seconds the pain went away, and I slowly stood and opened my eyes. What I saw made my jaw drop as a gasp emitted from my mouth. I was standing at the front of a round space that had panels jutting straight out of the entire wall. There were two grey chairs in front of every panel. Everything but the buttons and the floor was silver. The buttons were mainly red, blue, green, and black. The floor was a black, rubbery substance that was probably meant to keep you from slipping. The lights really weren’t that bright; it was just the sudden change from pure darkness to full illumination that made it seem that way.
The next thing I noticed was Edward’s tall, skinny frame standing at one of the panels, trying to figure out how it worked. He was attempting to read the labels, which were written in some weird language. The letters seemed to be a random mix of lines and shapes. But the letters seemed like they could possibly resemble the capital letters of our language.
Ed’s face was wrinkled in concentration and thought. I had seen that face so many times. I saw him with a furrowed brow and squinted eyes in every class we had together, when he was trying to figure out what was in the school’s food, and when he was trying to understand the things we learned at church and connect them to his life. I knew the face, but it was so different now, knowing what situation we were in, what we could have discovered. What he could have discovered. I continued to stare at him, almost sadly, knowing our lives were changed forever, even though nothing had even happened yet.
After a minute or so he said, “I think I can figure this out.” He continued to mumble to himself. “If” this, and “Maybe” that. I decided I wouldn’t be much help, so after a few minutes of pure confusion I sat in one of the chairs. They had lots of padding, no arm rests, tall backs, and the sides came to a point at the top. The chairs stood on one thick leg that moved smoothly in any direction you needed.
Just as I sat down, Edward pushed a button and moved to the panel next to him. He was figuring it out, and my heart started pounding again. “Just as I hoped,” he thought aloud. “They’re all the same. So, maybe... if I push this button on all of them…” he continued as he moved around to every panel and pushed the button, “then we are in control,” he said as the machine hummed to life.
I slowly stood up in awe, and a smile painted his face. And that’s when everything changed in me. Once I heard the machine start, the fear turned to excitement. I don’t know what caused the sudden transformation; maybe it was the possibilities of what this thing could do, what it was. If this was really what Ed thought it was, which seemed more and more likely every second, then we had no limits as to what we could see and when. The possibility of having no restrictions to an adventure would bring anyone joy.
“So, can you read the labels?” I asked him, my voice cracking as I held back tears of complete happiness.
“I don’t know. The one that started it kind of looks like it says ‘engine.’ But that could be a coincidence. I would have to test it out. And figure out why all the panels are the same. It probably needs so much power that there needs to be multiple sources, or maybe it has so much power that it needs to be controlled by multiple people. In any case, there’s the question of what happens when some are activated, but we haven’t gotten to all of them.”
“Well, the engine didn’t do anything until the button was pushed on every panel. That’s probably how it works with everything else then, too.”
“Maybe…” he trailed off, and when he gave me a smug smile, I knew what he was thinking. “We could test it out.” He may have been a quiet and smart, but he had more courage and guts than anyone I knew.
How tempting that was. I wanted with everything I had to say no, we should just leave, but I couldn’t bring myself to deny his offer. I had a feeling that this was where I belonged, where God wanted me, and I desired to be there and use the power this object was capable of. I looked into his brown eyes and said, “Ok. Let’s do it.” Now I was smiling just as wide as him.
It took hours, but we eventually figured almost everything out: the language (for the most part), what every button did, where and when certain buttons brought us, and that nothing would work until it was done on every panel. What we didn’t figure out was how the time machine got there and whose it was. But we really didn’t care. We were so eager to get started. It was all we wanted anymore.
That was about four years ago.
My name is Emory, and this is the story of when my best friend and I were captured in time.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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BOOM *appears in a dramatic flash of smoke*
Alright, first of all I want to say that coming into this I was thinking "Is it a Tardis? Is this a DW fanfic?" When obviously it turned out to not be (or is it?) I went from eagerness to skepticism. Due to Doctor Who, my perception of time travel is now forever biased. But I love this prologue! It was dramatic, it was fast-paced and strong from the start, and let me say the title is so cool. There's just a few things you need to fix, as well as a few suggestions that I have.
Here are some sentences that are fragments or run-ons that I found. Most of your mistakes are just lack of proofreading.
"I was breathing was deep and shaky,"
"So with a pounding heart and every dangerous thing possibly lurking in the darkness running through my head,"
"The letters seemed to be a random mix of lines and shapes. But the letters seemed like they could possibly resemble the capital letters of our language." ( This kind of thing shows up three or four separate times. You repeat key words of a sentence too close together, and it doesn't sound right. Make sure your vocabulary is varying, and if you find places like this make sure to fix them by replacing one or the other of the repeats with a synonym. For example, in this sentence you might want to say "The characters seemed to be..." rather than "The letters seemed to be...". That way, in the second sentence, "But the letters..." doesn't sound awkwardly repetitive.
"He may have been a quiet and smart,..."
And a final suggestion: try to include a little more description of the characters. I have no image in my head of Emory, and only a very minimal one for Edward. That makes the story harder to visualize.
I love the names, by the way! Ed and Em, Eddie and Emmie, Edward and Emory. So cool! Your concept is strong, your title is captivating, and this is a great prologue overall because it's quite dramatic. Already it's shaping up to be a fast-paced, edge-of-your-seat thriller! I have high hopes, and I hope to read more in the future!
-@ladcat13
Thank you very much! You helped me a lot! I definitely agree that I need to work on word variance and descriptions of characters and emotions. Thank you for taking the time to do this!
No problem. I always make it a policy to give reviews back, especially if the review was as useful and insightful as yours was.
That's a very good thing to do. Keep doing that!
Doctor Who fan? Me too and this is fabulous already! Will definitely keep reading
I am indeed! But everyone should be

Thanks for the support! There's more to come in the somewhat near future
Happy Holidays!
Duuuuuuude I'm so happy you wrote this. Cool. Behold, my comments! *dramatic arm gesture*


The story of how Ed found the machine in the first place isn't really cleared... maybe have Emory ask him about how he found it? I love their names btw
I love how you're integrating Christianity with this...
I love the last sentence too...
I think I'm getting a good idea who Emory is so far, but maybe not as much with Ed. Focus the light a bit more on him, perhaps?
I love your voice in this story... it's strange, because usually when I read books with voices similar to this one, I don't like them as much. But your voice in this story helped me get a grasp on the characters better.
I agree with Miss Iron Novelist, that it doesn't seem that original so far. Always remember that plot twists are wonderful
Now for fancy time *holds glass of wine, puts on spectacles, waves glass of line like jack douglass* very good, very good.
Looking forward to reading more!
-rizzyrizzyrizzyRISSY
I will take all your suggestions into consideration and probably use them because I agree.

I like their names, too
To both of you: Yes, it is very unoriginal at this point, but I think what's to come-- which is what the story's about-- is not very typical.
Hey guurl. Good to see you starting another style!
So you've got a great idea going. Not very original at this point, but I can't judge just yet! I trust you can make it your own.
Really the biggest overall problem I saw was your struggle to decipher voice and 'lazy' writing. Never ever ever sacrifice good writing for more voice, in my opinion, or at least, know how to balance the two.
However, there were some phrases I applaud. I don't feel like copying them down, though, although it would help me get points for length on this review, now wouldn't it?
One little thing I might suggest as well is keep your last line- it's great- but take out your MC's full name at the beginning, so as not to be repetitive and keep it a mystery up until the end.
Good start, bro! Looking forward to reading more.
~iron.n