z

Young Writers Society



what do u think about this? shud i continue or not?

by pearlm


prologue

1962 June 23rd, Thursday

He was a tall man. He was taller than most people he met. He had nostril hairs that protruded from his nose in that they touched the outer surface of his upper lip. Strange appearance, yes? Stranger yet, was the fact that added with his deep set blue-ice colored eyes, his perfectly rounded teeth, his perfectly angled almost Anglo Saxon features, his perfectly plush lips, his smooth face: he was quite simply one of the most beautiful creatures in this existence!

The mist hung suspended in the air, it was so thick that it hung to the man’s nostril hairs; it tickled his nostrils and made him sneeze now. He stopped abruptly now, looked around him in the mist, saw what he’d set out for and walked on gracefully. He snorted once and muttered,” I wonder what Mantil would think of her strange neighbor if she saw me now? Walking easily in the mist on Dark Street of all places! I bet she’d have a fit”, he laughed quietly to himself again, thinking fondly of his nosy, motherly neighbor, it had never ceased to amaze him, how the woman hadn’t run to the hills at the sight of him! Anyway, mortals were capable of the most unusual acts in history. They were the most underestimated but the man always had faith in their untouched potential. He sighed, now wasn’t the time to start an internal debate about mortals; he had been summoned by the Elders, usually for him, this did not always play in his favor. In his world, it was common knowledge, the Elders and him, never saw eye to eye, that was the reason he had signed over his house and any monetary belongings to Mantil. He had a feeling today was his last day in 1962.

Finally, he saw the dark alley leading to the secret pathway to the hallowed entrance to the Elders’ meeting place for today. Usually, they chose a location only they could see, today wasn’t an exception, all the Dark street vermin who usually crept around dark street, scattered when they saw him, they all knew he had been summoned, summons were never secret for long and it didn’t matter , no one would be caught dead hanging around Dark Street during a summon, least they get caught up in the aftermath, so the vermin disappeared off quickly. He smiled to himself, “smart choice, folks. You don’t want to end up like old lucasia, do u?” he took a deep breath and stepped into the shimmering apparition that had just appeared at the wall and stepped right through it, only to be greeted by five familiar stern faces.

“Lucasia, welcome,” said one of the faces, old, cheruby, dimpling at his cheeks, with a surprisingly tall figure

.

“Father, its been long,” he replied sarcastically

“Yes, well, estrangement does have its quirks,” the face dimpled up, “Lucasia, what’s with the nostril hair? Trying to scare the pants of the mortals? I must admit the look quite suits you,” he laughed heartily. The other 4 faces looked on, three of them, disapprovingly and the last one, with familiar interest.

“well, if we could please get on with this summon……” a tired voice came from a very wrinkled, long, thin, unpleasant face, “Eustace, if u could move this family reunion to after the issues at hand have been discussed…….” He trailed off, looking at Lucasia’s father; Eustace, who muttered quietly to himself and shrugged, the interested face snorted shortly. All the 5 faces turned abruptly serious again.

“Could we make it short and to the point, skip all the dramatics usually saved for the others?” Lucasia boredly asked, making all the Elders except his father’s face go stiff, Eustace looked on with one who had had a lifetime living with this behavior from his son.

“ok, Lucasia, the Dark Street academy in the 21st century is getting difficult to control ,the young ones are going to face impeding danger from the zimbimoz, the zimbimoz have realized that the only way for them to control our world is by obtaining the most powerful of our kind from that time, you are the only one who we can trust to do this job amongst our kind in this time, albeit the most annoying, disrespective and eccentric option we had…..,” he trailed off as if so disturbed by this, he glared at a now- not- so bored looking lucasia,” you are being sent to the 21st century in 15 minutes to put our world back in array before we are destroyed, all information which you will need will be awaiting you at your destination, where 1 of the teachers at dark street academy who has been briefed of your arrival will have, that’s as brief as I can get,” he finished

“oh lucasia, before you disparate yourself off, you should know that we shall be watching you, this mission is too important for you to play any of your usual games at,” Eustace added on, with a smile that quite didn’t reach his eyes.

“Ofcourse,” lucasia muttered through clenched teeth, his blue ice eyes flashing before he disapparated suddenly into a thin haze.

CHAPTER ONE

2009, june 24th, Friday

Pop!

That was the sound that startled Mary Wilkinson awake off the heavy oak table that was the Principal’s, as she started to concentrate and get fully awake, she looked in the direction of the origin of the sound, only to be caught in the line of focus of the deepest, blue-ice eyes she’d ever seen, calmly looking at her. She didn’t have to ask him who he was, she already knew, she’d been waiting for him, since forever ….well it seemed like it anyway, in actuality it was since 6 p.m today, Thursday, and now it was 3 am of Friday morning. She was tired and she imagined she had cramps on the very lines that showed her aging in her face, she mused. Her 63 year old heart raced so fast, she feared she may get a heart attack now, she wouldn’t mind so much, and she would have died when she’s seen him. He was the stuff of legends off the very pages of history books that lined the library, stories her mother had told her as a child, stories of the strongest, most powerful immortal. Ofcourse, it could all be hear-say and myths, for he looked every bit like every other enchanted mortal looked these days but……could it be possible? Mary looked him up to down, and kept musing and questioning, she went back to his eyes and was startled to find that they were warmer now with a tinge of amusement.

“Well I don’t suppose you’re done counting the toes on my feet, they are 10, 5 per foot…but…I hate to interrupt you in your inspection..But….I do need some clothes,” Lucasia, the powerful, as she knew of him, said in a deep breezy baritone, that brought to mind the thought of calm seas.

This brought Mary back to her normal senses.

“Oh! Excuse my manners, I’m just a little tired and you caught me by surprise…..oh..ooooh,” she blushed, just noticing his naked form, a woman her age should be used to the sight of a naked male form but Lucasia’s did strike quite an impression, she giggled nervously, wondering if it was true that he could read minds as well as hear thoughts. He laughed a low laugh as she pulled out clothes from the bag she’d been told to prepare for his arrival. Quickly, as she busied herself, talking into a small square he didn’t understand, he thought she was too embarrassed she had to pretend to have imaginary conversations, he dressed.

“wonderful, you are finished dressing, you look great,” she added shyly, “how I’d have wanted my very own son to fit in these clothes had he been here with us today…..anyway, my name is Mary Wilkinson, I’m from the witches gathering, I have all the information we were told you would need in this existence to fulfill your purpose here,” she finished as she handed him a medium sized file,” you will have a story-teller master from the school tomorrow at your residence to fill in any gaps you may have. Early Monday morning at 9a.m, you will address the teaching staff in the staff room, at 10a.m, we have a morning assembly for students who are expecting a new principal, everyone knows that you were summoned here and who you are, they are all excited, please pardon that, they are hoping that they will be among ‘The Chosen 3’…..anyway, going to drive you to your apartment,” she finished, looking abit ill at ease at the mention of The Chosen 3, Lucasia just nodded and quietly absorbed all this in, listening and observing was always more productive than talking most times, he always said to himself. They got out of an enchanted wall and emerged onto a street that looked familiar to Lucasia, he smiled to himself. Dark Street had changed some, heck, the school,atleast the little he’d seen of it so far was beautiful and modern, but the street was still grimy, still filled with vermin.

She led him into a Mercedes sedan with tinted windows, at the front was a uniformed driver, she gave him directions that he didn’t quite catch. After a 30 minute drive, lucasia had taken in the road and surroundings they’d passed, and he was satisfied with it, it was a developed neighborhood, they entered his building. They went up in elevators that amazed him. He asked Mary questions about it as she settled him in his room until it was time to go. She left looking abit harassed. Lucasia spent most of the night trying different technology in his room, activities that in 1962 would have required magic/power to do could be done by some “machines” as Mary called them. Finally, at 2 am, before he slept, he looked out of the window, across the street sleeping on a bench was a very disheveled looking old man, lucasia’s gaze swept from him to around the street, muttered a few words and called it a night; tomorrow would be a long day for him!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.






You can earn up to 294 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.

Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
243 Reviews


Points: 13719
Reviews: 243

Donate
Mon Oct 12, 2009 4:35 pm
Blink wrote a review...



Hey pearl! Welcome to YWS!

Please sort out that horrendous chatspeak. In fact, no. Get rid of it and put in a title. YWS really, really doesn't like chatspeak. I mean, this is a writer's website!

Just a few quick glances show me that this story is lacking any deep concentration on grammar or spelling. I find it hard to believe that you haven't run this through a spell-checker before posting it on here; remember that if you sort out your spellings, those who critique your work will be more interested in the story, which would of course be more helpful. Right now, you've got a lack of spaces where there should be space, names and the start of sentences aren't capitalised in places and there are full stops missing. I won't quote them all. That would take forever. Please please please turn on your spell-checker. :wink:

Well, regardless. Moan over. =P

First line = very, very dull. Not every story has to start with a magical car chase and some deep suspense scene featuring a dagger and a vampire, but there needs to be some sort of noticeable trait that keeps the reader hooked. But going straight into a long, lengthy description before we even know what's going on is a sure way to tell the reader to put the story down. While your actual sentence structure and descriptions are fairly tidy, they're equally dull. Character before description - or at least, that's what I'd recommend.

Strange appearance, yes?

This is too in-your-face-so-agree-with-me-or-else to retain any effect you'd just built up. Rhetorical questions rarely contribute much unless some deep question is posed. Generally speaking, of course.

Stranger yet, was the fact that added with his deep set blue-ice colored eyes, his perfectly rounded teeth, his perfectly angled almost Anglo Saxon features, his perfectly plush lips, his smooth face: he was quite simply one of the most beautiful creatures in this existence!

Whose viewpoint is this? Who thinks he's beautiful? Can't we decide for ourselves? At first, we're led to believe it's him ("taller than most people he met"). And then the exclamation really un-exclaims it. Again, it's as if you have to believe it or you're weird. If that makes sense. :wink:

Also! Description overkill. Really, cut down on the super!smexy adjectives/adverbs and get down to the meat of the story. Some great stylistic imagery include metaphors and similes. What do things look
like? Similes are a great way to introduce a little character development, too - comparing the sun to a dummy, for instance, adds a childlike tone - as well as providing alternate ways of phrasing descriptions.

That said, I won't be so picky from now on.

like old lucasia, do u?

Excuse me? This is prose, not an MSN transcript.

That was the sound that startled Mary Wilkinson awake off the heavy oak table that was the Principal’s, as she started to concentrate and get fully awake, she looked in the direction of the origin of the sound, only to be caught in the line of focus of the deepest, blue-ice eyes she’d ever seen, calmly looking at her.

Sentence run-on, much? This is a further example where rephrasing is necessary. "off the heavy oak table that was the Principal's" could quite easily, with more effect, become "off the Principle's oak table" - is "heavy" necessary? Has she been lifting it much? :P

Well, anyway. I'm sorry if at any point I sound condescending. I assure you I don't mean it. :wink: I certainly believe you could go to great places with your writing skills, but you're certainly not there yet. I feel as if you can create atmosphere well, and have a general idea of where stories should go, but your lack of basic grammatical understanding and a few poor sentence choices drastically reduce the quality.

Let me know if I can help at all.

Best
Blinky





The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb