Published July 21, 2009
Right now I want to die.
I believe I've said these words before.
My hands are shaking and my palms are sweaty.
My fury quickly turning to grief.
Tears streak down my face
As I think of what you said.
I'm worthless and I'm going no where fast.
You wish that I was dead.
As I think of how to make your wish come true,
I think of what a shame
it would be to let you win this battle
You've won them all before
I'm growing strong
I'll show you I can be
Stronger than you every dreamed
You're words can't touch me
Your fist can't budge me
I'm finally coming clean.
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140,605 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
OK then,
Right now I want to die. As Shina said, very cliched. not a great opening, it makes the poem just seem like any other.
I believe I've said these words before.
My hands are shaking and my palms are sweaty.
My fury quickly turning to grief.
Tears streak down my face again, this phrase is a very common one. if you changed it - used a simile or something maybe it would be better?
As I think of what you said.
I'm worthless and I'm going no where fast. Nowhere is one word
You wish that I was dead.
As I think of how to make your wish come true,
I think of what a shame
it would be to let you win this battle
You've won them all before
I'm growing strong I feel like the poem's turned about a bit quickly. Suddenly you're growing strong? Although in the stanza above you've decided not to kill yourself it seems a little quick. could just be me though.
I'll show you I can be
Stronger than you every dreamed is that supposed to be ever?
You're words can't touch me You're means you are. Your is what you're looking for!
Your fist can't budge me i like that line a lot. It told me what the poem was about and, well, i just like it i guess.
I'm finally coming clean.
Overall
there were some parts in the poem i really liked and i thought the idea was good. Sends out a good message. But i think you should move away from cliched lines a bit more, go far out!
Aqua X
Pretty good poem! A few notes on the grammar and verse in general:
Change "You're" in the first line to "Your".
As well, I would try exploring the speaker's feelings more by way of descriptive diction. For instance, you could paint the scene of when the speaker was spoken to so negatively instead of a minor flashback.
I am into philosophy; as a result, my next and last suggestion would be to embed the conflict between the speaker and the antagonist into something deeper, say the meaning of life
Overall, keep up the good work, it's shining prominence!
Hey Peace ^^ Shina here for a review
I. Nitpicks
Kind of a cliche, bland opening. It also needs a comma after "now". It's lacking emotion and nothing seems to be bleeding on the page.
Perhaps different imagery. This sounds more like your waiting for your SAT scores.
I think you mean "stronger than you could ever believe" because why would this person "dream" you were strong?
The last line doesn't seem to fit with the idea.
II. Overall
The idea is cliche, but you have a few twists here and there. Expand on these twists, add some more imagery, and use some literary devices. Let your feelings bleed through the page. Be free with poetry. Read it all out loud.
-Shina