I loved this! The rhyming structure was amazing and how you've included it makes it really engaging, catchy and it makes sense as well. And the topic of overall discrimination is displayed perfectly and you have managed to capture every angle which is so effective in making the audience empathise with your point. It also kind of had a rap vibe to it but I think that's great in humbling the speaker and making them more relatable and like-minded and even down to earth.
The only suggestion that I could suggest is that maybe including more grammar could make this piece even more effective and heart wrenching: dashes, colons, semicolons all would fit very well with a poem like this. Additionally, I felt as if some of this poem could have been expressed in a more metaphorical way, and though it is very emotive, there are lines that are overused or there are references that could be implied through symbolism.
He was chased down and shot yet they got away
A line like this, though very powerful, could perhaps be tweaked or altered and shortened to display the same meaning but in a more insightful way: a bullet hole to the heart but a body left untouched. Of course, you do not have to use this example however I reckon that by shortening it and making it more concise, some lines could be even better than they already are.
Finally, maybe the last line could be altered to convey the whole theme of the poem which is equality. Although I loved it because it rhymed amazingly and it just really sent chills down my spine, it only represents one form of discrimination and maybe you could make it tie up with the whole poem.
Conclusively, I loved this poem and keep writing and is such an important topic and I agree with you 100%!
That said, I quite liked this piece. You did a good job of making it flow well and your ideas were clearly expressed. It was easy to follow, but still image-inducing and thought provoking. So good job.
Points: 83
Reviews: 110
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