Nightfall Chapter One

by paye97

Published September 30, 2015

12+

In Nightfall

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Chapter One

Alexandria

The night on the Garden City Pier was hot and humid. It was already pass my curfew, but I was having way too much fun listening to the live music and dancing to the band.

    It was a Friday night in late July and the pier was packed with people. My friends and I were shamelessly flirting with the boys down for the week and drinking over priced coke. The same things we have done for the past two years since my best friend Ellie got her drivers license.

    Tonight was different though; we were celebrating my 17th birthday, along with my twin brother’s, which happened in the beginning of the week. We were out with a small group of friends, including Ellie.

    The band had just begun playing again, and I saw him. Michael, I met him two weeks ago here. His family was down for a month vacation in Myrtle Beach, we met the day he arrived.

    “I’ll see you in a little bit,” I told Ellie, looking at Michael. She was part of the select few that knew about Michael.

    “Okay, don’t have too much fun without me,” she said, watching me walk away. I turned to give he a stern look before I turned my attention back to Michael.

    “Hey there stranger,” I greeted him.

    “And who are you again,” he replied with a flirty grin and then leaned in to kiss me. “Alexandria, you are out very late tonight.”

    “I felt like being a bad girl tonight.”

    “I can see that,” he said giving me a once over. I was in a black skirt that came to mid-thigh and tank top that barely covered my torso, I was also wearing three-inch heals. This was so much different than my usual shorts and t-shirt look that I wear all summer.

    It felt amazing.

    “Before I forget. I got something for you. For your birthday, it’s not much, but I wanted to give you something.”

    “Michael, you really shouldn’t have,” I said taking the small package from his hands. I opened it and gasped. Inside there was a picture framed with little mementos that we have collected together over the past two weeks. The picture was of our first kiss last Thursday.

We had been down on the beach by this pier, walking along the water as the sunset. I was wearing my favorite dress when he stopped us before we went to walk up on the pier.

“Alexandria, I am so happy I have found you.”

“Michael…”

“No, let me get this out. When my family dragged me down here I was convinced that I would absolutely hate every minute of this vacation, but you have made it bearable.”

“I’m happy that I could help,” I told him smiling back up at him, looking into his dark emerald green eyes. They contrasted so differently with the rest of his features, the light blonde hair and average looks he bore. It was his eyes that drew me to him when we first met.

He began fumbling through his words, “I-I just wanted to-to say that I really like….. um…. like you.” Then it struck me at what he was attempting to get at. He was trying to tell me that he had feelings for me. The way that he was fumbling through this, I would have guessed that he had never told anyone he had feelings for them.

“Oh, just kiss me already,” I told him with a smile on my face.

He complied. Slowly he bent his head and brought his mouth to mine. It wasn’t my first kiss, but it was better than all of the other kisses I’ve had combined. I didn’t want it to end, but we were both too scared to continue past this innocent kiss; my arms went around his neck, my sandals, which were in my hand, hit his back.

Reluctantly he broke away, “Oh, Alexandria Johnson, you drive me absolutely crazy.”

“And you Michael, make me never want to leave this beach for as long as I live.”

I pulled out of the memory looking into those same green eyes. “How?”

“Did I get the picture?” he asked finishing my question. “There happened to be photographer up here taking pictures at the time and spotted us. She later came up later and asked me if it was okay if she published to picture on her website. I told her is was okay, but only if she sent me a copy of the picture to me.”

He stared at my dumb founded expression. I couldn’t believe that he would do this for me, even if it were mostly just luck. “I don’t want to forget this time together, and I don’t want you too either.”

“I will never forget you,” I told him giving him a kiss.

“Go get a room,” someone yelled. Turing around I discovered it was my brother, Dimitri, with his arm around his own girlfriend, Kayla. She also happened to be my second best friend, they started dating in the beginning of the summer, I was awe struck at first that anyone would be interested in my nerdy twin brother, but I was happy for them.   

“How about you just turn around. No one said you had to look,” I said with a smirk on my face. “Besides, we were here first.”

“But you forget little sis, I was born first.” That was a fact that he always loved to hold over me. Even though he was only two minutes older, he sometimes acted as if he was two years older than me.

I gave him a nasty look before I turned back to Michael, “Thank-you for my wonderful gift.” I went to give him another kiss when a voice came over the speakers where the band was previously playing.

“Ladies and gentlemen. Sorry for the short notice, but there seems to be a thunderstorm with violent winds heading this way. I need everyone to please exit the pier as soon as possible.”

“Shit, I thought I had more time,” he mumbled. I suspect it was to himself but I still said, “What?”

“Nothing, come on we need to go,” he grabbed my hand just as the wind was picking up, lightning flashed a few miles out on the ocean, followed closely by a murderous clap of thunder.

“Wait,” I said after we had walked half way down the pier.

“What?”

“The picture, I forgot it.”

“It doesn’t matter, we need to get off the pier.”

“It will just take me a minute.” I took off down to where we were just sitting a few moments ago. The heels I was wearing made it difficult to run so I kicked them off and put them in my hand.

I heard someone running behind me. I turned and saw it was Michael. “The picture isn’t worth it,” he said.

“And what does that mean?” I asked, was he saying that everything that we have done in the past two weeks meant nothing to him?

“It means that you are more important than that picture.”

“Oh.”

“Come on,” he said leading me towards the building at the end of the pier, “You heard the owner, we need to go.”

“I need to find Ellie.” I turned to the direction we had just come from.

“There is no time Alexandria. We need to get off this pier. I’m sure she is out already.”

“But, what if she isn’t?” I asked. I could feel the pier shaking slightly more than normal as I turned to the bar area where the patrons were dispersing. I looked for the blonde bob of my best friend, but didn’t see it.

“Come on. Alexandria, we must go,” the pleading in his voice became more insistent. I turned and looked in his eyes, now hidden by his light blonde hair, had a worried look in them. The pier started to sway even more.

“Okay.”

We only made it fifteen steps before the ancient boarding beneath our feet fell through. Screams filled the air, including my own.

I hit the water with agonizing force, my back taking most of the blow. I sank down to the bottom of the ocean floor, unable to bring myself to the surface. I tried to push up, but there was something preventing me from doing so.

I opened my eyes, the salt water stinging them fiercely. There was a piece of seaweed wrapped around my ankle. I pulled at the seaweed, attempting to free myself. Although, no matter how hard I pulled the seaweed would not untangle itself from my body.

    This was going to be the end for me. There was no way I would be able free myself.

    I was going to die. As I realized this I started to see my life flash before my eyes. My parents, Dimitri, Ellie, Kayla, Michael. I saw me riding my bike for the first time, my dad standing clapping as I peddled down the street by myself, Dimitri and me walking into school on our first day of high school, my first kiss with Michael. The kiss played over and over in my mind; I would never be able to say good-bye.

I can’t die, I thought, I haven’t even lived yet. Please God; don’t let me die like this, not now.

    My vision started to go black. I heard that drowning was one of the most painful ways to die. The person was completely conscious while their lungs filled with water.

    My lungs were burning, as if someone had lit a match inside of them. I wanted so badly to just take a deep breath of air. I tried once again to pull the seaweed off of my ankle, it seemed that every time I attempted to do so they wrapped more tightly around than before.

    I saw a glimpse of blonde hair, then a muscular body. The body swam towards me, but there was something deformed about the body. It looked like it had wings. The form swam closer to me, I started to make out features. The form looked familiar.

My vision blurred, I tried to stay awake, but the lack of oxygen in my body made that impossible. I exhaled the last of the breath I was holding just as I felt myself slip into the darkness.

My last coherent thought was, he looks like Michael.

   

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
burninhell
Review
burninhell wrote a review Review · Oct 25, 2015

Hiya,
Just dropping by with a quick review. First off I want to say that you've got yourself a really good start here, it draws the reader in which is what beginnings are supposed to do :)
Just a couple of quick things that might be able to help improve it a little bit. The thunderstorm seems to hit very suddenly, I'm not much of an expert on weather if I'm being honest, but it was very sudden. Maybe if you commented on the clouds, or some rain or the wind before they're told to evacuate then it would seem a little less out of the blue? Just a suggestion, but maybe sudden was what you were going for, I'll leave it to you to think about :)
The second thing is that maybe in places you could add in a little more description on the details. A little more sensory depth might be able to help the reader to picture it more in the way that you imagine this all taking place in your mind.
All that being said this was still an amazing start. I really liked how you had Alexandrias thought process guiding the reader throughout. Seeing things from her perspective has worked really well.
But anyways, this was amazing!

User avatar
BluesClues
Review
BluesClues wrote a review Review · Sep 30, 2015

Hi there!

Okay, so I just have a few suggestions for you today. The first is about the opening:

The night on the Garden City Pier was hot and humid. It was already pass my curfew, but I was having way too much fun listening to the live music and dancing to the band.

It was a Friday night in late July and the pier was packed with people. My friends and I were shamelessly flirting with the boys down for the week and drinking over priced coke. The same things we have done for the past two years since my best friend Ellie got her drivers license.

Tonight was different though; we were celebrating my 17th birthday, along with my twin brother’s, which happened in the beginning of the week. We were out with a small group of friends, including Ellie.


That first sentence starts us off good, but then you start summarizing. I mean, I know you want to get to the action with Michael, but I think the storm would be scarier if we got a better, more detailed look at the pier and the crowd beforehand, when everything's lovely and wonderful and full of summer magic. For example, flirting with boys: You could expand on this even to the point of showing Alexandria's friends flirting with boys, but she's just kind of pretending to flirt while actually keeping an eye out for Michael.

On the note of Michael, you said they met two weeks ago, but then later you also say their first kiss was two weeks ago. Just pointing that out. To me that's awfully fast, especially since Michael tells her he likes her just prior to their first kiss, so they probably need to have had some time to get to know each other in there somewhere, right? Or if they hung out like all that day at least and then the kiss happened that evening or something, maybe just showing some of the conversation they had that made them fall for each other would help.

Or it could just be me. I know some readers are going to be fine with the fact that their first kiss was basically right when they met because it's romantic or love at first sight or what have you; I just like there to be a little more history there.

The only other note I think I had was...oh, right, the thunderstorm. So I know they said "thunderstorm with violent winds" and asked everyone to vacate the pier, but it was kind of weird to me how much everyone was freaking out about a thunderstorm. I freaking love thunderstorms! Admittedly, I am from inland areas where thunderstorms and piers don't meet each other, so maybe it's a much bigger more dangerous deal if you're on the ocean or something. But I was just kind of...not prepared for how violent nature actually got there toward the end.

So probably that's just because of where I'm from, but I just thought maybe a hurricane or a tornado or...well, something...might have made more sense. To me. Never mind. It's probably because of where I'm from. But just a thought.

Feel free to PM me with any questions!

BlueAfrica

User avatar
Jericho
Review
Jericho wrote a review Review · Sep 30, 2015

I'm glad to be reviewing you on such a fine day; allow me to start with a small critique. Somewhere along the lines of posting this, it seems your formatting got altered—perhaps, if you fixed it (to standard font and normal paragraphs) more people would be likely to read this? As it is, it takes some effort for me to get through it because of the formatting.

Starting from the beginning: Seeing your character's name in the heading of the chapter sends a chill down my spine. As a reader, I dislike first-person novels with more than one narrator, because often the author doesn't bother distinguishing their voices from one another. They simply put the names under the chapter heading and think it's good enough. I hope this isn't like that.

Your first sentence is half-decent as a hook. It brings to mind "It was a dark and stormy night", with about half the melodrama. Personally, it doesn't work very well for me, because we aren't introduced to the characters and it's a very distant sentence—any character could have said it. If you have a first-person narrator, you need to start strong with a sense of your character's voice.

I think my main problem with this chapter can be summed up here:

The band had just begun playing again,
and I saw him. Michael, I met him two weeks ago here. His family was
down for a month vacation in Myrtle Beach, we met the day he arrived.

This comes somewhat out of nowhere. I don't know how to react to it, and I don't know how I'm supposed to think about it; you've dropped these characters on us, had the main character talking to us like we're her friends, and then suddenly she starts going on about this "Michael" character. We have no reason to care. She has no voice and no character that we can discern at all.

In short, I don't care about your main character, which is one of the most fatal mistakes you can make in a first-person novel. As a reader, I have no investment in this chapter. The dialogue bores me, I've seen the tropes a thousand times before used in the exact same way, and if I wanted to read something like this, I'd go pick something off the shelf at the supermarket.

I have no stake in the romance you introduce. I have no stake in the characters. I don't even have any stake in the drama that happens or the "miraculous reveal" you have. This first chapter doesn't leave me wanting to read more about Alexandria or this situation; it leaves me wondering why I picked this up in the first place.

Now, this has the feeling of "first novel" and "early writing" stamped all over it, so I won't be too harsh about it, but you could seriously use a proofreader. You have basic grammar and spelling errors peppered throughout the entire piece, and you over-use dialogue tags ("he said", "she said"). If you have someone else (someone who's good at editing, I might add) look over your piece, you're more likely to catch these errors before you post.

I would also suggest saying your dialogue out loud, like your characters are really talking to each other. Some of it is very awkward, and it sounds nothing like what people would actually say; people don't talk in full sentences, so you don't need to write their dialogue in full sentences. Likewise, you can use the same technique with your narrator's inner monologue in order to give her a distinct and personal voice.

Now, I actually enjoy urban fantasy and supernatural stories (and, I might admit with a touch of chagrin, I do enjoy paranormal romance stories), so I think that the grammar and the character's voice are the two big issues you need to fix for me to be interested in this story. As it is, reading this story, I get no sense of distinction. It feels like you filed off the serial numbers of a Holly Black novel, to be honest.

However, I'm interested in seeing where this is going, and how your writing style will improve over time. Keep writing!

Ah, I see that you fixed your formatting while I was typing! It's very much easier to read now; my apologies for pointing it out, but I was unaware of how recently you had posted it.

paye97 replied · Sep 30, 2015

Jericho-

Thanks for the advice.

I am a little confused about what you are saying about having no stake in the characters/relationship. Do you mean that I need to explore Alexandria more before I introduce Michael?

Thanks again.

Ah, what I mean by "I have no stake" is that I don't feel I have much understanding of who Alexandria is, and what I do understand is "generic partying teenager". If she were someone I knew, she would be one of those vague acquaintances you forget after a week.

I think if you added some details about her background and life, even if you simply had her talking more with Ellie, we might learn more about her through that. You jump immediately from the introduction into Michael, so if you take a little bit more time in the beginning before you bring Michael into it, it might give us a better idea of who our main character is.

I'm glad if any of this helps.

paye97 replied · Sep 30, 2015

It does,

Thanks you!

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paye97 Comment
paye97 commented Comment · Sep 30, 2015

Hi everyone,

Reviews are appreciated and greatly welcomed. I plan on keeping each chapter up for about two weeks at a time to get some reviews and then taking it down for edits.

Thanks!

Random avatar
paye97 Comment
paye97 commented Comment · Sep 30, 2015

Hi everyone,

Reviews are appreciated and greatly welcomed. I plan on keeping each chapter up for about two weeks at a time to get some reviews and then taking it down for edits.

Thanks!



Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author