A journey that was new to me,
Never saw anyone walk this path before
I knew nothing except for my dream
The darkness was scary and deep
I kept walking with light in hand
Light of my confidence and willpower
Bumped my head on the hard rock
A thorn cut my leg to blood
Blowing storm shivered my light
But thought of glory kept me moving
All I had was my courage to stand by me
Every passing time made me realize
Where I am may be ending this journey
Later I realized that I have nothing to loose
And plenty to gain if I reach home
Those taunting words of others
Those laughing faces on my dream haunted
I had just one life to prove them wrong
One life to tell them that dreams are seen
Not to wipe it off, but to live them..
A smile ran over my face thinking of,
My ma and pa’s proud faces…
Steps started becoming stronger
The near I was to my dream,
I was almost disintegrated by this journey
But a fulfilled human, who lost himself
To find himself;
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey, just wanted to say I really enjoyed your poem. I'm not huge on telling people to change their own stuff, so I would not change a bit of it, and I wish you well.
Hi, just a quick reminder. YWS has a kind of unofficial ratio of 2 reviews: 1 piece of literature, kind of like common curtersy.
Just reminding you as you have quite a few pieces of work on here but zero reviews.
izzy
Really great poem.
It was brilliant.
The part I liked most about it would be how clear it was in my head.
Nice Job.
Keep Writing, you're great!
I enjoyed this poem, although the punctuation and grammar needs some work.
Might be better as:
A journey that was new to me.
Never saw anyone walk this path before,
I knew nothing except for my dream.
Same as before:
The darkness was scary and deep.
I kept walking with light in hand,
Light of my confidence and willpower.
Would read better as:
I bumped my head on the hard rock.
A thorn cut my leg to shreds,
And a Blowing storm shivered my light.
I won’t go on with the rest. It’s just general P+G that needs looking at.
Good effort apart from that.
Parts of your poem were like deja vu to me because it resembled something i wrote........only difference being........much better and very well expanded.
I could totally understand how the narrator wanted to shut the mouths of all those who thought he couldn't achieve his goal.
The best thing about the poem was the way you showed the element of struggle and eliminated the "fairytale dreams come" true kind of portrayal.
Very well written.Keep such great work coming.
Let me start with I like the ambition of the narrator. I can tell he is driven to this goal.
This part was descriptive, but I didn't like it because I'm not a big fan of blood so I guess that makes me biased :S
This was very deep.
I got a little lost. At first I thought it was a poem about the journey of life. Then I thought maybe the narrator was in a bad dream searching to find the surface, or escape back to his parents.
Great ending
[quote]
But a fulfilled human, who lost himself
To find himself;
[quote]A thorn cut my leg to blood
[/quote}
should be: "a thorn cut my leg, and drew blood"
Something like that would have made more sense.
It really concluded that the person on his journey had lost himself along the way. In the end he was himself found and is now strong again.
bludragon525 is correct. The line
[quote]
Great work!
This was extremely poetic
ya....thanks a lot bludragon525 ........... that was my mistake to to type "b"instead of "m" in the line.........."A thorn cut by leg to blood"...... i got it corrected....rest all is a thought........
Hey!
I liked your poem. It had a great imagery, and a brilliant ending.
Okay, on to the review part...
I thought you used the word "dream" a bit too much in this stanza. I would definitely change one with a synonym.
These lines were a bit confusing to me. Maybe you should reword them?
This needs a bit of rewording too. When I first read it, I thought that you meant the thorn was cut by the leg.
All in all, I liked this. It just needs a bit of polishing, that's all.
Keep writing!
zOe
thanks a lot for your appreciation
All i can say is that your poem is beautiful! It almost made me cry it was so good. I really got what you were trying to say and I can relate to that in so many ways. You obviously have an amazing talent here and I hope that you keep writing.I look forward to your future work.
Moonstar x
(p.s ABOSOLUTLY BRILLIANT!!!!!)