Tears in July
Seattle has a weird propensity to show us clouds until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon before breaking way to summer’s bloom. Sunny mornings here are about as rare as the days without rain. Either way, despite the sun finally breaking, I’m not feeling much warmth in this car. It’s hard to explain, because it should be scorching in here and yet all I can feel from you is the cold I thought we left in January.
As I drive myself back to the airport I flew into, I refuse to look your way. I can feel the pain in the air, although acknowledging it is not something I think either of us really wants to do, and so we try not to and drive on.
I think that in a lot of ways, it’s pretty clear, the last 3 days we spent together aren’t reality. Peace and tranquility are not things that easily coexist in worlds of opaque obscurity. What we continue to not say endures to be the truths we know, and with that thought I look over.
I wish I hadn’t, but I want so badly to fix what is broken between us, I can’t help myself to at the very least constantly evaluate current affairs. The tears are streaming, but you aren’t making any noise. Was what I mistook for peace and comfortable silence more a sign of the interior pain? Ah, surely, this is much more likely although deeply concerning.
How is it we are living in two different worlds? The things that I thought we felt were really just my own. And so, if the world you’re living in is not one of peace, what’s bringing the rain? I don’t know what to say to bring that to light, and so I’m just here to feel. This pain I’ve surely caused, but both of us know its not something I was made to repair, and yet your world continues to coexist with mine. So long as that’s the case, I will never not try.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Welcome to YWS, paul! I hope you find the community here is to your tastes.
I'm Lee, and here to review your wonderful piece of writing.
Normally, I may point out a few things that can be changed, but this... It's beautiful. It's so neatly written that I can see any flaws. Of course, if this is a narration of a personal experience, who am I to pass comments?
I'll assume it isn't, anyway.
You have some lovely diction here; simple words and simple images have conveyed so much more than flowery language could.
Along with the title, this opening immediately caught my eye. It's so simple, like I said, and yet there's something in these words that compels me to keep reading.
Your description of the environment in the car was so well written I could bang my head against a wall and still not match it. Everything has been perfectly expressed; the feelings of anguish, pain, misery, and touch of hope.
The ONLY thing I want to say is that instead of numbers, you could just use words. The numbers seem out of place.
Like Chris said, it's heartbreaking. It definitely qualifies as art.
I could go on gushing about the perfection, but I'll leave you to it.
Have a good day!
- Lee
Hi @paulkfmn! I'm here for a quick review!
This is really a beautiful and heartbreaking story. It's quite an impressive story, too. I usually don't come across a romantic story that makes sense to me, and it feels lovely somehow to finally find something that is actually romantic and understandable to me. I love the simple and romantic title you chose for this story! I don't have much to say about this, so let's get one with it!
"Seattle has a weird propensity to show us clouds until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon before breaking way to summer’s bloom. Sunny mornings here are about as rare as the days without rain. Either way, despite the sun finally breaking, I’m not feeling much warmth in this car. It’s hard to explain, because it should be scorching in here and yet all I can feel from you is the cold I thought we left in January"
"Either way, despite the sun finally breaking, I’m not feeling much warmth in this car."
I don't think I fully understand why you said this way. I think it's kind of the opposite actually. If the sun is breaking aren't you supposed to be cold? If it's my misunderstanding, I apologize. After all, suggestions are just a suggestion, right? You can totally feel free to ignore them if you have your very reasons for writing that way.
"I think that in a lot of ways, it’s pretty clear, the last 3 days we spent together aren’t reality. Peace and tranquility are not things that easily coexist in worlds of opaque obscurity. What we continue to not say endures to be the truths we know, and with that thought I look over."
"What we continue to not say endures to be the truths we know, and with that thought I look over."
"What we continue to not say endures to be the truths we know,"
I feel like this part is not connected with the other part " and with that thought I look over."
"How is it we are living in two different worlds? The things that I thought we felt were really just my own. And so, if the world you’re living in is not one of peace, what’s bringing the rain? I don’t know what to say to bring that to light, and so I’m just here to feel. This pain I’ve surely caused, but both of us know its not something I was made to repair, and yet your world continues to coexist with mine. So long as that’s the case, I will never not try."
"So long as that's the case, I will never not try."
You could use 'as" instead of "so". I think it fits better.
"I will never not try."
Okay, you might have done this one purpose and I can see why. However, I think you could say, "I will never give up".
Overall, it's was a wonderful story to read and I would love to read more of your works! This is one of the best romance I've ever read. It was beautiful and crestfallen in both ways and I think that's what makes your story so unique and intriguing.
Thank you for writing this story.
You made my day!
Keep on writing!
Best wishes,
Chris
Chris, if you want to quote something you can use this:
[quote]Quote things here![/quote]@LittleLee Thank you! I would love to quote something with something noticeable.
Glad to help