"Prologue"
"Magical." that's the only way I can describe this Palace In front of me. fairies, Glittering Butterflies, Magic Wands, Flying Broom. Name it, They're real, They exist. "Still can't believe?" a old lady asked me, while my eyes were still exploring the palace. "Am I dreaming?" i asked the lady beside me, and the lady chuckled, and replied "In this Palace, everything is possible. everything can be real." "by the way, I'm Lady Isabelle, and I'm the owner of this Palace." so, she's the owner of this place. i wonder why she created this? "Because, I want other people like Me, can have a place where, they can show who they really are." she said. what? she can read my mind?! "yes, i can read all of people's mind." she replied. "S-so we can talk to each other without Me talking." i responded. then she laughed really hard. and we both laughed like there's no tomorrow. i wonder why i was here, besides, I'm nobody. I'm nothing. then she stopped laughing and turned serious. "you have a power that still didn't discovered. you're destined to save this palace from The Archinokes. you're important honey, you're magical Grace. your powers is the most powerful magic I've encountered in my entire life. " she told me. "But, you just said my Magic isn't still discovered." i uttered." I already read your future, since you were, born, you're powerful. Magical. you're destined to save the Palace. I'm counting on you." she said then disappeared.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ohh...kay...so right outta the gate, I have to say this needs a lot of work before it can really make for a good story, but it really did seem like it could make for a cool story so I thought I'd drop off a review really quick here. Now, right off the bat, the issue is paragraphing.
There's quite a lot of things happening in this one paragraph, there's some description, there's thoughts, there's dialogue, its a whole mess of stuff stuffed into the one paragraph. And while all those stuff individually could make for an awesome story, at the moment, this resembles the sort of thing you would find in of my random idea brainstorms. Its just all over the place and it barely seems to flow from one thought to the next. And of course the best way to deal with this, is to just start isolating all of these ideas, separate the dialogue from this, separate the thoughts, maybe put them in italics or something like that to differentiate them from the general description. Just doing only that will make this a whole lot clearer and a lot simpler to read.
And then of course you could try and add a little bit more description in a couple of places to flesh things out just a tiny bit more. Other than that of course, as this is a prologue, you don't need too much else. It certainly has all the right ingredients for a prologue, its just not been cooked quite right.
Anyway, hopefully that was helpful and not too harsh, it really does look like there's been a decent amount of worldbuilding behind this story, and it really sounds like it could make for a cool story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
First off welcome to YWS. I'm always happy to review new member's work. Now there were many mistakes that I had noticed in your chapter. First of all this chapter was awfully short, and some of it made no sense. It's okay that your grammar isn't the best right now. Remember writing always takes practice. So just keep working on it. Now I'm going to point out some passages from your work that I had noticed need aprovement. Now here we go. The first one was in the beginning of the piece, and really bothered me quite a bit. Also you barely used capitalization at all in this novel. You didn't really capitalize the first letter in any of your sentences at all. And that is usually key in anything that you write. It's proper grammar. Now here we go with the pointing out of the specific sentences. The first one you stated:
"Am I dreaming?" i asked the lady beside me, and the lady chuckled, a replied "in this Palace, everything is possible." Now just in this one sentence I noticed many errors. But once again that's okay when you are just starting out. So here I would've capitalized the "I", and put a period after "me". Then I would start the next sentence with "she", and then I would put "and replied", just so that it flows better. So the ending result would be: "Am I dreaming?" I asked the lady beside me. She chuckled, and replied "In this Palace, everything is possible." That way the sentence just makes so much more sense. Another one that I did happen to notice was also similar to this one. Once again, just a small grammatical error. This sentence to me made no sense. You should probably just redo the whole sentence. Just because the sentence is worded poorly. Here you stated:
"by the way, I'm Lady Isabelle, and I'm the owner of this Palace." so, she's the owner of this place. i wonder why she created this? "Because, I want other people like me, can have a place where, they can show who they really are." she said. what? she can read my mind?!" This is just not the best. Here you need to defiantly change the dialogue. The dialogue in this piece just seems unrealistic. But even I'm guilty of doing this. But that may just be my biased opinion. Now I would've capitalized the "B" in "by", because you naturally need to capitalize the first letter in a new sentence. You also need to do the same routine with a lot of other words in this piece. Now, in the second sentence I would've said, "so, she's the owner of this palace." I thought, "I wonder why she created this?"- So that the readers know that this was the character's thought and not something that they said out loud. Then the next sentence should be- "Because, I want other people like me to have a place where they can show who they really are." she said. "What! She can read my mind?!" I thought, still astonished of what had just occurred.- if you word it like that it just makes so much more sense. As well as this some others in this piece were just alike it. Like:
"S-so we can talk to each other without me talking." i responded." Here once again you need to capitalize the "I". And as for the dialogue, a better direction to go on that would be something like-"S-so we can talk to each other without physically talking(?)." here it just makes more sense, and also you need to add a question mark when your character is asking a question. Also:
"i wonder why i was here, besides, I'm nobody." This makes no sense. You need to keep this sentence in either past or present tense; and again capitalize the "I". Because "was" is past tense, as for, "wonder" and "here" are present tense. Instead you should write, "I wondered why I was there."-and I would just get rid of the besides all together and just write-"I'm practically nobody." And lastly:
"your powers is the most powerful magic I've encountered in my entire life." here this also makes no sense, instead: "Your powers are very strong. They are the most powerful type of magic that I have ever encountered in my entire life." this makes more sense and helps it flow. Other than that, your story is off to a great start. Keep on writing and never stop. I would like to see more of your work soon, and get to see how this story continues.
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! (even though I'm new too). I'm going to be writing a review for you! To start you off I just have a few basics to help you write.
1. Capitals at the beginning of every sentence and each place or person's name. This is a small thing you can work on. I would read it over once or twice more and capitalize. For example, "Name it. They're real,". After ever period capitalize the next word.
2. Capitalize "I" when you are talking about yourself. Another small thing. For example, "That's the only way I can describe this palace..."
3. It's helpful to use italics to show what a character is thinking.
*quick spelling fix. In a line toward the end, Lady Isabelle says "I already 'red' your future," the word 'red' should be changed to 'read'.
I really like the title of your story. I think you can add more and make it a great story. If you need any more help with writing you can ask me! I hoped this helped! Great job!