The crow's call, Part one.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The cold air battered my skin as I rushed through the empty field. Small birds of mysterious colours darted up and down through the drifty breeze, freezing silence cursing my eardrums. There was nothing but grass, crops, hills and long, winding brick walls for miles across. Mist shadowed the land, spreading a tint to the never ending green and brown. The sun was gloomy through the grey blur of the air; nothing but a weak yellow dot in the ever-dying blue of the sky. A sea of death was surrounding me. Not a creature in site. And the maelstrom that I was trapped inside was slowly, gradually, worsening as one by one, the small birds, and other small creatures of the field seemed to disappear. Then I heard it: The lonely, scratchy cry of the dark, slate-black crow. It felt like a parasite burrowing in one side of me and out the other, but not in a normal way. The feathered beast seemed to be trying to attract me in some way. With nothing better to do, I shot towards the sound.

On the way there a thought came to me- why was I in this field? I had been on my way to the shop, but everything else was just blurred. Like I’d stepped into the body of someone else, and left my memory behind. But all my clothes where the same, so maybe it was just… I didn’t know. When I reached the top of a large grassy hill, the call was loud enough to scar someone’s very mind, and sure enough, at the top of a large, twisting, tangling oak tree sat a crow. But not slate black like I had imagined. It was more of a dark, mysterious blue, shining in the gloom quite abnormally, like a demon, lost in our world. And maybe it was.

He glanced once both ways and then stared at me with eyes of lead. The hollow look upon his face seemed to be getting thinner and thinner by the second. The kind of look that forces people to do what they don’t want to do. The kind of look that can drive the weaker mind to insanity. But I stayed put. I could see the feathers, blazing in front of me, but it just didn’t seem real. It was only when he croaked his painful cry out again that my head adjusted. This was no dream, and just as my brain pushed the final thoughts of this moment being an illusion, I had a strange urge. I sprinted back down the hill to the crop field, and tore of a single, un-ripe ear of corn. Then steadied my pace as I made my way back to the tree. Then I was back. One again standing in line with the eerie gaze of the dark hawk.

Wow.... I liked it!
I agree with some of the posts that say there is a little to much description but thinking about it I don't think there is to much but rather some awkward phrasing. I think you don't have to cut out any description per-say but maybe reword some of the phrases.
"freezing silence cursing my eardrums" this was one thing that stood out to me. it's an awkward phrase instead of saying freezing try another word that would fit. Deafening or Dead. or if you were trying to convey it is also cold as well as eerily quiet you will need two different sets of descriptive words for that.
But I loved it! the eeriness of it had me on edge. I wan to know why is there no one around. have they died? is he dead and this is his heaven/hell? I want to be more inside of your main character head. whats he thinking? and what is up with the demonic crow? That had my skin crawling. Great job I can't wait to read more.

While I agree, some things can be omitted, I honestly really enjoyed it. The tone that is created is incredibly eerie; it almost reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe's poem the Raven, with the same mood and the recurrence of the crow.

sorry about how much of it was descriptive, it was done for school work as a descriptive passage, and I just carried it on at home.

First I'm going to start off by saying I was... disappointed. Seriously. I have read a lot of your work and I don't think this is your best. Maybe you just need to redraft? I agree with Esme, there is too much description. It makes the story really boggy and the reader will lose interest. Anyway time for nit pics.

"Thecold air battered my skin as I rushed through the empty field."
How About "Cold air battered my skin as I rushed through the empty field"
The The is unnecessary and it makes for a more interesting start.
Try re-phrasing " freezing silence cursing my eardrums."
"deafening silence cursing my eardrums." Oxymoron's add to a story.
"There was nothing but grass, crops, hills and long, winding brick walls for miles across." This is good for a bit of descriptive writing, but having four things is unnecessary for a story.

I can't be bothered doing the rest at the moment. I'll finish later.

P.S. Do you like Lord Of The Rings? This piece is just like it, boring and descriptive.

Hello,

I like your writing style, I like how particular words are used together and the description in the first paragraph was awesome. But it's the first paragraph! The one that decides whether or not someone will continue reading. And while the descriptions were really nice and top-notch, I'd delete them and stick to the essentials. See, by the time I got to the end of paragraph one, I forgot all about what I was told at the very beginning.

Say that he's in that empty field, add a few descriptives (few, mind you) - and the rest, scatter it or simply get rid of it. This will pick up the pace of your story.


quote:

With nothing better to do.

OK, now here, we are told that the MC has nothing to do. A starving man can say: "I'm hungry". But he can also be described as a skeloteon, with very little meat hanging from protruding bones; he can have hollow eyes, etc., etc.

See what I mean? Do the same with "I'm bored".

Alright, clearly, what's happening to the MC is not usual. Amid these wonderful descriptions of yours (they truly are fantastic), I can feel very little emotion. Again, substitue some of those outward descripts with inside ones. I like to know what's happening outside, but even more I'd love to know the inside of the MC's head!

Oh and title. I immediately though: The Call of the Wild haha - but, consider "Crow's Call"? The are so many "The ___ of ____" that it just gets plain boring.


Lovely,
Esme