Alright, here's a more in-depth review.
Disclaimer: I make no promises.
Believability/Clarity: It is plenty clear as to what is going on, but it doesn't feel quite believable right now. But, I think when you get further into the story to explain the details of who/how/why she killed, it will. As long as it's done correctly. And like I mentioned before, something to make this chapter itself to feel more believable would be to change the dialogue from the teacher, add some dialogue between her and her mother, and to add some of the other kids talking about her or something.
Characters: Well, the only character I can really comment on is the narrator at this point. I've already said how I feel about the teacher, and with her mother, nothing has been said yet for me to really comment on. So, I think your narrator has a lot of potential to be great when she's fleshed out more. Right now, her only character trait is her guilt. Which, is fine, it's good that she feels guilty, I suppose, but I'd add some other kind of information about her to make her more interesting before getting to the other chapters. Another trait of some sort, like maybe she has has a sense of humor, is really loyal, or religious, or just whatever your goal is for her to be. I just think that she needs a little bit more pizzazz to keep readers interested for the time being.
Description: I think you did a pretty good job with description. It could be better, but it's definitely not bad right now. Something to work on is not using so many I's when describing things, or describing what's going on. Like, sometimes just describe the surroundings and clothes and stuff without relating it back to her or using I. It's okay to do that some, of course, just not every time.
Dialogue: Well, I think you already know what I think about the dialogue, but I'll write it again anyway. There should really be a bit more of it in this chapter. Whether it's the narrator, other kids, her mother, or someone else, I suggest adding some. Seems kind of unbalanced right now between the descriptions, actions, dialogue, and the narrator's thoughts. Also, I thought the teacher's dialogue was a bit unnatural, but they may just be me.
Engagement: To be honest, I had a hard time focusing on the story when reading it. But, I think that'll change as your writing improves because you do have a very interesting premise here that should engage people. There's a lot of lines you have written here that make it interesting enough to want to keep reading, but with some of the flaws of other parts of your writing, it gets lost in there. If that makes sense. But yeah, this has the potential to be very engaging when improved upon.
Grammar: You already know this, but there's quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes. I won't point them out since there's so many, and since this is a first draft, but yeah, this could definitely use a good proofreading.
Pacing: I think pacing is probably your weakest point right now personally. Not enough dialogue, and the action is all kind of "I did this, and then I did this, and now I'm doing this." It would feel more natural is there was some kind of dialogue or something to make it feel more like we're in current time. Right now, the character's doing plenty of stuff, but the way it's written makes it feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, when it should feel like stuff is already happening. I hope I'm making sense, lol.
Plot: I think you have a very interesting premise here and once the other parts of the writing improve, it'll be more clear. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future of the book, though I'm hoping the person she killed wasn't on accident. That sounds bad, lol, but what I mean is that is a cliche for a lot of "good" characters. It'll be built up that they did some horrific thing and you get all excited for it, and then it turns out that they killed the person on accident and it wasn't really their fault. Basically, I hope your narrator doesn't turn out to be a Mary Sue(the cliche good guy protagonist).
I'm gonna try to wrap this up since I've gotta go(it was gonna be a bit longer but I gotta get to work), but your biggest problem is the telling instead of showing. Like, instead of writing, "She seemed to be very happy when I told her that I wanted to go to the lake," write the dialogue of this, and how her mother smiled and her eyes lit up with hope when the narrator said that. There's a lot of instances of this throughout this chapter, so I'd try to work on that.
Anyway, hope I helped, if I was unclear on something or if you have any more questions just let me know. Also, if you ever want me to go through and do line-by-line edits to show you what I mean, just let me know because I love doing that.
-Lee
Points: 73
Reviews: 53
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