Young Writers Society

Hi again!

I don't have all that much to say about this chapter that isn't just "good job", so this won't be the longest review ever.

First of all, I somehow managed to make the mistake that Straam was the first name of some other character that we were yet to meet in the rest of the story, rather than being Devin's surname. Oops. Part of this happened because I'm a bit thick, and somehow managed to miss the fact that Devin's name is right there in bold, but I think because there's so much focus on the pronunciation of Straam, I just went and assumed that it was the narrator's first name. I remember rambling in a bit about the tie between this chapter and the rest in my review of chapter three, so you can pretty much disregard that part of the review.

Having read the third chapter and knowing what's going to happen to Devin in the not too distant future, I thought that the foreshadowing in this chapter was maybe a little too heavy-handed. Devin writes about being kidnapped and then BAM she get's kidnapped! A little foreshadowing is good, great even, but ideally it should be a little bit subtler. Stick with the ideas that devin ponders, but maybe skirt around explicitly referring to kidnapping.

Other than that, this was a delightful first chapter. The narrative voice was so strong and distinctive, with a good sense of Devin's character being established right from the get go. It was engaging and an absolute pleasure to read. Would a whole story told in this manner work? Possibly, possibly not. But as a hook, it's very effective. The characterisation here is spot on, so I'm optimistic you'll be able to build on the characterisation in the following chapters.

I like all the references you have going on here. They set the tone well, and I like the mix between modern (Wikipedia) and the Biblical. I'm sure someone could say something deep about that and analyse it, but the best I can come up with is to say I like it. And that it ties in well with creating a sense of character.

Top job! I'll see you at chapter two!

Heya

I enjoyed reading this. I actually started on Part 2, but liked it enough to come back to Part 1 and read Part 3 as well. Trust me, that doesn't happen often. When I first read this, I thought it was quite clever. It revealed a bright teenager with a rambling, yet connected mind. Like a teenager, she refers to people she knows and those who influence her. She even briefly mentions people she pretends not to care about, but cares about anyway (Cassius?).

A few issues I had:

+ The diary format threw me in a loop. Only because I'm used to skipping headings and chapter titles. They generally mean nothing to me.

+ Once I realised it was in diary format, I checked the dates. I know it's possible to have two periods of the same class in the day, but to me it seems like lazy teaching to dedicate 1/4th of each lesson to free writing (I'm an English/Science teacher), especially if you have that class twice in the day AND use the same writing prompt. I assume you've done this to show that something has happened to Devin between the two sessions, but it seems contrived. Could Devin instead be writing in a journal at home? It would be interesting to see how Devin changes her writing when there is no audience - does she swear? Does she add her hopes? Are her tangents as interesting, or is she more boxed in at home when there's no one to impress?

That's it ^^

Cheers,
Jai

Hey darling <3 Congratulations! You're my first R.E.D. review, ever! I know right, so special!

does the story interest you?
From first impression, I'd say the story interests me a lot. Not only have I always adored your writing style (it's like so great and entertaining) but I also liked how you've formatted this novel with the journal entries and stuff.

how're the characters?
So far, I only know Devin. The way you write really gives you a feel for your characters personality. In the first few sentences I knew he was intelligent and enjoyed research from the way he talks. I actually feel like he might be a genius. I also feel like he might have high functioning autism (based off of characters with high functioning autism), maybe? He tends to get off track but somehow find his way back to what he was talking about. It's very interesting reading from his point of view. Devin is unlike any other book characters I read about before and I love that. In that way he will be memorable. I learned a lot about Devin just by observing the little hints you left in the way he talk. He said he fells like a shadow, for example. Also what's a "mental flow diagram"? Then I think you did a little foreshadowing when Devin said he thinks he's more like Ishmael. "Nobody really expected anything from Ishmael," Devin is like Ishmael and maybe he'll do something no one expected him to do. "Sometimes I feel like I'm dead to the world," same, buddy, same.

what don't you like about it?
This is the cruelest thing you could ask me. I have been sitting here for minutes trying to think of something to write but I can't think of anything. Pretty much. I guess I'd like to learn more other things besides just bible stories (I go to Christian school so I know a lot of this stuff). I think it'll be interesting to have him do research on things other than bible stuff. Seriously though. That's not even something I didn't like about this. Really, this review was probably not helpful but I didn't plan on reviewing anything of yours. You're literally good enough to be professional, traditionally published and famous by now.

marmalade

Hey there passenger! Let's jump right in!

When Mrs. Kalick does roll call, she pronounces my name like ‘tram’, except with an S in front. I’m here to inform everybody reading that this is not correct. Nor is the double A in my surname pronounced like that in ‘aardvark’ (I researched aardvarks on Wikipedia, and according to the least reliable site on the internet—besides YahooAnswers—they can live for up to 23 years in captivity. 23. That’s longer than I’d last in captivity, I guarantee you).

I feel bad for Aaron. He’s kind of like me in a lot of ways. Not that I plan on dying before I get to the Promised Land. But something about Aaron’s quiet coming and going is relatable. I feel like we both resemble shadows.

But yeah. If we based intrigue on the linguistic incompetence of the human race, my last name would probably be the most interesting thing about me.

Sometimes I feel like I’m dead to the world.

I still have ten minutes remaining, Ms. Richmond, but I think I’ll be done now.

Hey, passenger! It's Lupa from Complicated Sneezes for a Review Day! Let's start...

1) "Contrary to Mr. Jay’s pronunciation, you don’t say the As like the ones in Aaron, either." In the second paragraph, you thrust the new character (Mr. Jay) on us without warning. At first I was like, 'Doesn't passenger mean Mrs. Kalick?' And then I realized it was someone completely new. I suggest taking Mr. Jay's character out entirely, unless he's vital to the plot later.

2) At one point, you go from talking about kidnappers to the pronunciation of the main character's name. This is a bit sudden, and I felt a bit startled by such a big topic change. A nice, gradual transition would be better for the flow, I think.

3) In the last line, you do the same thing I mentioned in number 1: you introduce another teacher to the reader very abruptly. This isn't exactly the best thing to do. I honestly don't think the "Mrs. Richmond" part of the sentence is necessary.

4) You have some interesting ideas in this piece, but other than some philosophical points I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish. Can you give this work some more direction as to what you want to do?

Again, like I said, this was extremely intriguing. The ideas you mentioned got me thinking about your main character (in a good way, of course). I would love to see more! Keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22