Powdered faces and painted lips.
Bows rising and falling,
with the breaths of their dancers.
Fingers scatter across,
obeying the dip and pull of horsehair.
The music soars through the sky.
A girl is on a bench, sick and poor, left to die.
A boy is alone and hasn't learned how to survive.
A boy is running away and know only to lie.
A girl has tears in her eyes and yet says, "I'm fine."
The notes play only sadness,
but the faces sing with glee.
I look around and see only madness.
Tell me, dear world, what is wrong with thee?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi!
I really liked the scene you painted with this poem. There was some really nice vivid images. I also liked how you used those images to capture that emotion of sadness. You also have really nice title.
I think that in stanza, you introduced a bit too much people. If you only used two people. I think that the affect will be more profound. We will feel their sadness more. Since with what you've done, it sort of feels a bit generalised. Whereas if you zoom into the lives of the two children, we'll feel as if we know them better ourselves.
So, everything you have so far is really good. But I think that you've just given us the slightest of the glimpses in the scene. I think that you can definitely expand it and go on about circus around the more and then tell us about how the unfortunate children fit into the scene. I think that you can almost tell a tale about them.
Well, what you have so far is rather brilliant. Keep it up!
Hello there
I'm not a fan of this line. It just seems like you were desperate to form a rhyme. That's just me.First of all
Other than that, I really liked the idea behind your piece. Although at some points, I really didn't connect with your points because there was not enough vigour to get the emotion through.
This bit I loved. It's very expressive! It gave me goosebumps.
I don't review poems a lot, so I don't have any constructive criticism to help you along.
Keep writing and good luck!
I once again am not sure this doesn't fit in lyric poetry (as it turns out I am a lyric poetry paranoid)
I liked it a lot, the party was so live, while the middle part about the boy and girl was very emotional and touching.
I think this scene has a lot of life in it, yet is tragic and painful, the description of the party makes me think of one of these tales about a party where one stays for an hour and comes out to find a hundred years has passed, the madness is in the air.
Enjoyed it very much, and can't wait to see more, keep writing.