Published January 20, 2011
Head pounds as she writes.
Drowning in the ocean of pills and wine
she shouldn't be touching, but who's to tell her no?
Step aside and look in front.
Mother and Father made a mistake
when they left us here alone, but who tells them so?
Red haze and blue boxes.
A bloody knife.
A milk carton.
She screams
as I tear away.
She, my mask.
I, the music that moves her feet.
The irony of staying indoors
has finally kicked in.
Let her stay
Let her STAY!
Scream and shout, break down the doors.
She, a lady, and I, her whore.
~Personally, I want to scrap it. It sounds whiny and peevish to me. Well, give me your opinion. Questions: Should I scrap it? How should I improve on it? Should I add more description? (I'm trying to keep vague though.) What the heck is it about?
Thank you for your time.~
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Its intriguing and it grabs you. A would add more details, but not to the lines you have. Add more. I personally say don't scrap it. I like it.
Hey,
You seem to want something very specific, so here goes...
Should I scrap it?
Personally I never scrap writing, I just go away for a while and then come back.
How should I improve on it? and What the heck is it about?
Add to it. In my view, this poem is the very opposite of whiny - it is happy and about forbidden sex, but with a very foreboding tone. Concentrate more on the ironic pleasure (happy) and contempt (foreboding) of pain, and the setting. Establishing a more clear setting (above "indoors") - even a metaphorical one - will really lift this piece. Specifically, give it a time (parents gone out for dinner, girl's age etc), give it a social context (for instance, ancient Chinese Soong dynasty or the garden shed of Windsor palace in the modern era) and so forth.
Should I add more description?
Yes. But not of the things you have already described. I think you need to build up tension early on in the poem, add description there.
Any other questions, or if you wanted more general feedback, or if you've finished this poem, feel free to message me. Personally I would score this poem 5/10 as it is, but with lots of potential to double that score! Good luck.
Larz