Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this was certainly a neat little twist on a typical romance story. It was definitely a very interesting piece and you had some really good emotions mentioned throughout the piece. There were some really nice little touches that did a nice job making the whole piece feel real and at the end you definitely at least managed to make me feel how Catcher felt at the end of this.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Catcher took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She willed her fangs to come out of her mouth but they wouldn’t come. “Damian. They’re stuck.”
He laughed lightly. “They’re not stuck. You just have to have the proper motive.”
Well that is a pretty interesting place to start off a story at. Definitely not something that you expect to see but also very good at getting attention.
Catcher’s face flushed lightly. “Is this the motive?”
I love that line. Perfect cheesiness and I love that.
Catcher hadn’t felt this good since…since never. When Josh kissed her she was too surprised, happy but still surprised. With Nick she was elated… but it wasn’t exactly right since he betrayed her right after. But what was Damian doing? He was helping her become a vampire. He hadn’t done anything but help her. She trusted him.
That does not sound like a great history there with love.
A flashlight fell on their faces and she stressed to adjust. The old manager of the store was looking at them madly. “Get away from my shop or I’ll call the cops you idiots.”
Oooh neat interruption there...completely unexpected yet doing a wonderful job of making the whole scene feel that much more real.
Catcher blushed lightly as he started to kiss down her torso. When his lips hit the skin right above her breath the world’s happy glory look broke. Reality came rushing back at her. She felt the wetness of the leaves, the cool of the night and sincerity of his kiss. “Damian, stop.”
I love that you include a little reality check there. Once again these things are doing a wonderful job of making it seem less like a cheesy romance film and more like a realistic story.
“Why should we go? I’ll keep you safe. Don’t worry about anything.” He said, adding something to make his voice thick like honey.
I love the alarm bells that are starting to ring at this point.
“I’ve never met a vampire with so much blood. You smell delicious Catcher. I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.”
Catcher was frozen. She was scared. What was going on? Why did he suddenly get so hungry…maybe he had been hungry all along? Had he been waiting until he had gotten her under his spell. Everything in her body told her to run but she couldn’t move.
Really nice turn of events there. I love the gradual progression to this point and how we get a nice stream of Catcher's thoughts as she begins to realize what's going and then the fear when she realizes its too late and ends up falling under the spell anyway.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a really nicely done short story. It was a lot of fun to read and the descriptions really helped out a lot to imagine what was going on. The feelings that you convey through this were also really nice and you can definitely get a good sense of Cather's happiness, suspicion and then hopelessness. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253788
Reviews: 4099
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