Published December 8, 2006
You drank,
You hit,
You yelled,
You cried...
You swore,
You spent,
You wasted,
You dealed...
You loved,
You lived,
You stayed,
You knew...
You hissed,
You beat,
You stomped,
You stormed...
You lied,
You broke,
You wrecked,
You ruined...
You kissed,
You loved,
You cared,
You belived...
You said,
We'd make it,
And then,
You left...
You did one good,
For every two bads,
You think it made it better,
But it didn't.
You left us,
Homeless, scared,
For more then a year,
Thanks Dad.
I know it's not bery good, just a way to express my feelings...
Pandora
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
Good expression of fealings.
I like your poem, but in two instances you had 3 syllables on your 2 syllable long streak and it kind of through off the beat
Nice poem, sad, but understandably good theme.
keep writing and =) happy reading (=
I can see where you are going with this but I would suggest making it more like a poem (more details) and less like a list.
this is a rant, not a poem.
For this poem to be great, it should evoke emotions in the reader, make them feel the way you felt. At the moment it doesn't make me feel very much, but if it was my poem, I would be striving to do that. Maybe you don't want to go into an awful lot of detail, but the description and words you choose should reflect how the narrator feels. I do like the sarcastic tone of "thanks, dad". Keep at it *thumbs up*
Hmm . . . basic. While nothing in the poem jumped out or struck me, there wasn't anything bad about it. Bare bones, but not rubbish. Basic and decent.
I don't know why, it had good moments... I mean the words you chose, the 1 words you chose were good.
But seriously...
Too much you, not enough us
I don't know... .... it's just too... ... small :S that's all I can say about it...
pandoraswritings--
This is junk.
The "alas, poor me--it's your fault" theme generates no conceivable interest that I can see.
Fill out the proper EPA forms and throw this out.
Best,
Brad
I think pandora is completely serious about her work. Just keep in mind that blogs are a good place to blow some steam.
I found the poem very intense. I'm glad to see you rated your work.
I understand your feelings here in this poem...believe me, I understand.
But, that said...
I hope you understand that the YWS is a place for writers to improve their writing--to get other views on their piece when they think they have done all they can with it; we are not a journaling forum, that is what your blog is for if you so choose. Here, we take our work seriously.
Salutations,
Meg