When I graduated Junior High,
I remember telling myself I’d be the same,
Crazy and fun,
And full of spunk.
When I graduated Junior High,
I remember telling myself I’d dress the same,
Bright orange shirts,
With ripped, pen marked-jeans.
When I graduated Junior High,
I remember telling myself I'd have the same friends,
The ones who are crazy,
And get you out of trouble.
When I graduated Junior High,
I remember telling myself I'd never follow the crowd,
When they wore black,
I'd were white.
When I got into High School,
I made a few new friends,
The kind that ran from cops,
And wore bandanas on their head.
Now I'm a Junior in High School,
And take what I say with caution,
Because it may change even the hardest of people,
And things may never be the same.
I'm a Junior in High School,
Thought growing up would be fun,
Thought everything would be the same,
But nothing's right and everything's wrong.
I'm a Junior in High School,
And my boyfriend's a Senior,
But while he graduates and has fun,
I'm stuck at home with the belly he gave me.
And while others move on,
And have the time of their lives,
I'll be at home with him,
Watching the baby.
What do you think?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Quote:
Now I'm a Junior in High School,
And take what I say with caution,
Because it may change even the hardest of people,
And things may never be the same.
I love this stanza because of the way it starts it is almost alliteration and rolls off the toung coming after " I was in junior high" like it did.
I found this one of my favorite stanzas and the funnest to read
Hello Pandora. (I can call you that, can't I?)
I think you have the start of something, you present to the reader, a narrator that we could relate to, would love to relate to, but in the end it doesn't carry through the poem. Why? First, you present a plausible senario, but your denotations are clichèd. Second, in the following stanza you set up the narrator as better than the reader, because obviously the reader does not know this:
It makes the narrator seem cocky in her knowledge, and does not read well.
Third, the girl who gets pregnant and then her baby's dady leaves her is so over used all the media outlets of today, and the ending leaves us with a overused, tacky feeling. Not to mention, woe is me.
Four, this sentence right here is a poem wrecker: But nothing's right and everything's wrong. Trust me, it works like a demolition man's wrecking crew. Why doesn't it work? Well, it doesn't work because it makes the author's angst Mary Sueish. Two, it doesn't work because you create this idea that what the narrator is going through is the lowest possible low, which it isn't.
The biggest problem in this poem that I see is you don't create common ground with your audience. [i.e. See Daily Rantings for some common ground explanation.]
My first suggestion is to scratch all the repetitions at the beginning of the stanza, and pick out the lines you like best in the poem. Then free write from there.
Maybe what this poem needs is some substance behind the words, right now I'm only seeing carboard box, fill it.
My favorite part was this:
- though I'd change the -with- to -and-.
Hope this helps, and good luck.
CL.
Courtesy of SPEW and Kitten Eaters Anonymous
I loved the poem, there was alot of meaning behind it. And yes, some of these guys can be a bit harsh don't listen to eveyone.
I don't think you should change a single thing about the repetition, i found it suspensfull, and I knew that someone put thought into driving it into a poem instead of a coupld lines that might make sence, but the only fault if found, wich isn't even a fault.I think you should add a bit to your highschool years before you hit us with the baby.
And,"The wannabe tear jerker", I found the sudden baby at the end very effective, it is a powerfull and awe-inspiring litterary poem, that makes the reader think. weather there thinking to themselves,"I can relate", or"maybe I don't want to end up relating to this."
Keep writing and =)happy reading(=
I think you could put the first four stanzas into one with less repetition and more description and imagery. As a reader I was a little confused as to how you intended me to feel towards the narrator - sympathetic or cold. The whole baby thing kinda came a bit suddenly as well, if you reworked and added to how things changed and what happened in high school, I think it would come a little more naturally. Keep at it.
Don't listen to Incan. He's a little too harsh. Besides, he could find fault in one of Shel Sylverstein's poems. I think it's a good story, but you should rate it pg13. Altough, I think you could make it a little better. Good luck.
lillizard was here.
Wear.
pandoraswritings:
All of your recent posts reflect the same error: the narrator finds him or herself excessively interesting. The character you present in this is not anything to sympathize with. The poem is a boring, wannabe tear-jerker about how the narrator messed up her life.
Let me clue you in: we don't care, and until such time that you can craft narrators we would even want to relate to, I suggest you stop using repetition in your poetry--you obviously don't understand how to use it effectively.
Best,
Brad