The Brazen

Thanks for the reviews. I'll work on it.

Hello there!

First off, I think that this is an awesome piece. The overall message that you portray is one that I think practically everyone can identify with: the want to inspire the world and change it in one way or another. The overall feeling of this piece was great as well; it was full of hope but still confronted the way that this messed up world is sometimes.

I want to be among the brazen,
like the war heroes, brandishing hearts
of the deepest purple hue and scars
to remind them of how they grew.

I want to be like Mark Twain,
ticking fast like a broken clock,
so far ahead of my crappy time.

paintingtherain97 wrote:I want to be among the brazen,
like the war heroes, brandishing hearts
of the deepest purple hue and scars
to remind them of how they grew. I do like this first stanza, as it brings one into an idea of what you are trying to convey. Although, this may have just been me, I thought of the Purple Heart Honor when you put that part down in the third verse. Made me kind of smirk.

I want to be the next Ghandi,
fighting fights with peace and
with my name written forever
on the growing pages in the book
of this world's messed-up history. This stanza seems good, too, though in the first it seemed like you were trying to present a rhyme scheme, then in this stanza, you dropped it. I don't know if that was a coincidence or what but it threw me off the main idea, Also, you seemed to switch from aggressive to peaceful as far as what you wanted to be like. Just something I noticed.

I want to be like Mark Twain,
ticking fast like a broken clock,
so far ahead of my crappy time. I don't like the crappy there. The poem seems so formal and eloquent up to now, then you add that in and it made me feel sad inside. Okay, not really, but it made me stop for a second.

Like those dogs who guide the blind,
like the firemen who stayed behind
to fight the world in their last breaths,
to be remembered above the rest. Again with the oddly presented rhyme scheme. It's either there or it's not! On a side note, the rhyme here seems a little forced, especially the second verse.

Maybe one of those tragic heroes,
Helmuth Hubener or Prim Everdeen,
who changes the world while breathing
their very last breath.

I want to walk through time,
to inspire dreams and provoke all
to live among the brazen. At first I thought this ending seemed kind of weird. Seemed as if you stopped midvoice. But now that I look at it, it seems alright. I'm still a little so-so, but it's definitely not bad.