Published November 20, 2011
The leaves are a dark ruddy green,
but they create chroma so brilliant.
It all takes on a kind of glimmery sheen,
makes my mind rubber-band resiliant.
The paper is soft in my hand,
as I wrap the oh-so-lovely contents.
It smolders like a fiery demand,
as I wait for the magic to commence.
I exhale rings of strange-scented smoke
and laugh like I'm watching a funny movie.
In truth, nobody told a joke,
but the air swirls around like a smoothie.
I see things not there,
to hide things that are,
like the depths of my despair,
at my life so far.
The leaves have power to help me forget
all the things I cannot do yet.
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141,720 Literary Works • 675,606 Reviews
The lines,
"I exhale rings of strange-scented smoke
and laugh like I'm watching a funny movie.
In truth, nobody told a joke"
Really beautiful, can't wait to read more from you!
Really well done! i don't think I could change anything. You're grammar is great and this poem flows well.
Very well done! I love it!
Keep writing! Never stop.
-Greena
I loved this. It was written so well. The images it creates were amazing.
It's short, but powerful. And your grammar is awesome!
You're so good with detail. I really liked it.
Hello there!!
This is an interesting poem. I'm very inspired by leaves as well; I incorporate them into quite a few of my paintings and I'll usually add a few details about them into my writing. I love the concept, and I'm happy that you find them as intriguing as I do.
As a whole, this is a very well written poem. The only major problem that I have with it concerns the rhythm of the first stanza. While all of the rest of the poem basically has a rhythm that's smooth and easy to read, I found it difficult to read the first stanza and found myself mentally stumbling as I tried to settle into the rhythm of the rest of the poem.
See what I mean? The first line has a clean streamlined sense about it that it lost in the second line, and while the last two lines are, I feel, cohesive to each other, they don't fit well with the first two. I would take a few minutes to edit this part of the poem and eliminate words that don't contribute to the meaning of this poem.
This is my favorite part of the entire poem. There's a wonderful sense of whimsy about it, a sort of off-kilter essence that I adore. The only part that I'm not sure about is the second line. I feel like the words 'funny movie' destroy the rhythm. Perhaps it would be better to replace them with the word 'comedy' or something else that is similiar.
Very nice work! Always keep writing!!
-Rose
I really love all the detail, it was brilliant.