Our domestic civil war
tears at us, with gnashing teeth
and unretracting claws.
Call me an attention whore,
but I like to be heard, seen,
not ignored, just flawed.
Dad in new house, Mom stays.
Her boyfriend takes his place,
a replacement so irksome I hate.
My mind and my wrists pay,
deteriorate at rapid pace,
thoughts bring me close to heaven's gate.
Dad with his bottle and cigs to match,
Mom with her work, I am alone.
Brother and sister are just fine.
Resentment cooked in a fresh batch,
they will not throw me a bone.
I am tip-toeing the line.
And so I am ripped apart,
lost in a sea of emotion,
left to rot.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This poem is fantastic! I could really feel your emotion, plus it helps that it was very well written. Am I right? I agree with the review before mine, some of your lines could use more explanation. Other than that everything's fantastic! This really is very good, and I would like to thank you for posting this on here so that many may enjoy it. Keep on writing.
--Maya
WOW! What a fantastic poem! Such amazing imagery and emotion...
I loved:
- the overall idea of a 'domestic civil war'
- this line 'My mind and my wrists pay', it is so eerie
Some suggestions:
- I keep reading these lines, 'Call me an attention whore, but I like to be heard, seen, not ignored, just flawed.' I think you need to add one more statement between 'not ignored, just flawed' because it sounds like you aren't ignore, but you are. get it? Perhaps do something like:
Call me an attention whore,
but I like to be heard, seen, not ignored,
refusing to be broken, just flawed
- I'm kind of confused about this line: 'a replacement so irksome I hate' Do you need the 'I hate' in there?
Other than that I love it. It's really good. Keep on writing!