Escape From Atlanta (Prologue)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Fights, death, and blood. All of these words have something in common and all depend on each other. If there's a fight there going to be death, and if there's death blood had to be somewhere. My world is of full fights and gangs.

Fights break out daily and the death toll is normally no more then then three or four. To most that doesn't seem like much, and at first it wasn't, but then the fights came more often, taking the lives of both my mother and father; I was just seven at the time. My older sister, Ebony, took care of me till I was fourteen, then she was killed as well.

Okay well that certainly looks like a very rough area to be growing up in. Wow, that is quite the combination of dangerousness there and from a very young age there. It seems we're setting up this particular protagonist to have some really bad growing up conditions initially considering how many people seem to be dying around them especially their own family.

Children without a family are sent to a place called the fight grounds, where gang leaders come and pick up new recruits, but i refused to go there. I remained hidden, and still am. I'm seventeen now and my name is Phoenyx Row, but most call me Kase Wave. Kase Wave is the name my sister sent me to school with, but I don't go to school anymore, its to risky now.

My family name has a bad reputation around here. It's said that we helped ruin the U.S. when the Reformers came. The Reformers over-ran the government and bombed every major city in the U.S.. Atlanta, where I live, was not excluded. Now it lies in ruin like all the other cities. The Reforms plan was to let the smaller towns and cities rule, but as for the others, destroyed.

Oooh well this is getting more an more intriguing by the minute here I do have to say. I think you're doing a really neat job of bringing up this backstory without making it seem like too much of an info dump and the seamless way its blending into the general introduction is really doing wonders to make this a very solid opening here so far.

Their plan was pointless and millions of lives were lost in the process. Sometimes the few people that still live here ask me why I'm still in Atlanta, but i can never answer them. I mean, I have nowhere else to go, but I'm not totally alone in this world, I have Fang and Romeo. Fang, being a solo fighter I met, and Romeo, being a puppy I found that strangely survived all the bombing, but things are starting to get out of hand with all the gangs having me on their most wanted list.

So with the help of Fang and Romeo, I'm getting out of here, once and for all.

Okay well this isn't a bad note to end on there. It does make for a pretty interesting prologue here and I think you do a pretty good job balancing the idea of this story with the exposition to make things intriguing without slowing the pace down too much. On the whole this is a pretty solid prologue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

packmasterk2 wrote:Fights, death, and blood. All of these words have something in common and all depend on each other. If there's a fight there going to be death, and if there's death blood had to be somewhere. My world is of full fights and gangs. (In the future i am sure you will want to rephrase this, so keep your eye on this sentence in your future drafts. Sorry i cant be more "this and this need fixed", but it is fine the way it is for now. Ugh, now i'm confusing myself probably more than i am confusing you. Just trust me.)

Fights break out daily and the death toll is normally no more then then 3(spell the word, please) or 4(ditto). To most that doesn't seem like much (but 3-4 a day is a lot...), and at first it wasn't, but then the fights came more often, taking the lives of both my mother and father(How?); I was just seven at the time. My older sister, Ebony, took care of me till I was 14, then she was killed as well(how?). (this whole paragraph needs a tense check. are you saying the death tool USED to be 3 or 4? if so, change that is to a "was")

Children without a family are (usually)sent to a place called the fight grounds, where gang leaders come and pick up new recruits, but i refused to go there. I remained hidden, and still am. I'm 17(spell please) now and my name is Phoenyx Row, but most call me Kase Wave. Kase Wave is the name my sister sent me to school with, but I don't go to school anymore,(period, not comma) its to risky now. (why?)

My family name has a bad reputation around here. It's said that we helped ruin the U.S. when the Reformers came. The Reformers (just say "They")over-ran the government and bombed every major city in the U.S.. Atlanta, where I live, was not excluded. Now it lies in ruin like all the other cities. The Reform's plan was to let the smaller towns and cities rule, but as for the others, destroyed. (Sounds like the U.S.'s history...)

Their plan was pointless (it had a point!) and millions of lives were lost in the process. Sometimes the few people that still live here ask me why I'm still in Atlanta, but i can never answer them. I mean, I have nowhere else to go, but I'm not totally alone in this world, I have Fang and Romeo. Fang, being a solo fighter I met, and Romeo, being a puppy I found that strangely survived all the bombing, but things are starting to get out of hand with all the gangs having me on their most wanted list. (why?)

So with the help of Fang and Romeo I'm getting out of here, once and for all.

All in all, very good. I only found a few problems:

- Ask yourself "how" and "why" as you go through all your drafts. I inserted a few i think are needed
- I personally believe that when people go about talking of death, the paragraph should be dark, Gothic, and full of blood, gore, and doom. I was actually starting a book like that, but my level of writing was not, and is not, high enough to go into that much detail. my preference, nothing you need to be worried about.

Good things to make you feel special ^^:

- No grammar or spelling problems!
- Cool names!
- Good, original (or as original as you can get these days) story!
- You start your story with the words "fights, death, and blood"! Everyone likes that! Admit it, all of you!

Interesting. I think I'll reveiw this (:

Fights, death, and blood. All of these words have something in common and all depend on each other. If there's a fight there's going to be death, and if there's death [s]it has to be blood[/s]blood had to be somewhere. My world is [s]of full[/s]full of fights and gangs.

Fights break out daily and the death toll is normally no more then then 3 or 4. To most that doesn't seem like much, and at first it wasn't, but then the fights came more often, taking the lives of both my mother and father; I was just [s]7[/s]seven at the time. My older sister, Ebony, took care of me till [s]i[/s]I was 14, then she was killed as well.

Children without a family are sent to a place called the fight grounds, where gang leaders come and pick up new recruits, but i refused to go there. I remained hidden, and still am. I'm [s]17[/s]seventeen now and my name is Phoenyx Row, but most call me Kase Wave. Kase Wave is the name my sister sent me to school with. I don't go to school anymore. [s]though,[/s] Its to risky now. (Sounds better this way, well, to me)

My family name has a bad reputation around here. It's said that we helped ruin the U.S. when the Reformers came. The Reformers over-ran the government and bombed every major city in the U.S.. Atlanta, where I live, was not excluded. Now it lies in ruin like all the other cities. The Reforms plan was to let the smaller towns and cities rule, but as for the others, destroyed.

Their plan was pointless and millions of lives were lost in the process. Sometimes the few people that still live here ask me why I'm still here,(You repeat here a couple of times, try changing the last here to the place that you live.) but [s]i[/s] I can never answer them. I mean, [s]i[/s] I have nowhere else to go, but I'm not totally alone in this world, [s]i[/s] I have Fang and Romeo. Fang, being a solo fighter [s]i[/s] I met, and Romeo, being a puppy I found that strangely survived all the bombing, but things are starting to get out of hand with all the gangs having me on their most wanted list.

So with the help of Fang and Romeo, I'm getting out of here, once and for all.

This was pretty good. I'm interested, but i don't think you described your character enough. You described what happened to her, but not what she's feeling or what she's like. I like how you kept everything a mystery though. I'm definetly hooked and I want to have all my questions answered. (:So good job and would you PM me when you put the next part up?

~Tiger

Hey there! I'm going to review your work.

First of all, the huge block of text isn't attracting many reviewers. It almost scared me away too. Try breaking it up a bit? White space attracts. ^^

If there's a fight there's going to be death, and if there's death it has to be blood somewhere.

The first thing I thought was there doesn't have to be blood if you die (asphyxiation). Apart from that, the second part is strange. Grammatical error, I think. It should be:

...if there's death there has to be blood somewhere.

My world is fights and gangs

My word is (made of/surrounded by/full of) fights and gangs.

i was just 7 at the time.

Capitalize I please.

Children without guardians are sent to a place called the fight grounds, where gang leaders come and pick up new recruits, but i refused to go there. I remained hidden, and still am.

Children without guards were sent to a place called the fight grounds, where gang leaders come and pick up new recruits. I refused to go there. I remained hidden and still do.

My family name has a bad rep around here.

Rep should be reputation, no shortcuts please.

Its said that we help ruin the U.S. when the Reformers came

It's said we helped ruin the US when the Reformers came.

Now it lay in ruin like all the other cities.

Now it lies in ruin like all the other cities.


Okay, for the plot. Why do the gangs want to kill him? Surely they have other bigger fish to fry? Or is he the only one among those helping the Reformers left?

Truly,

Banango Cheesecake