Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter 2: The Past
I walked out of the office with a booklet of paper work under my arm. This was what I had to look forward to tonight when I got back to my house. I got into my car and started the engine and started towards my house. I was thinking about the assignment that I had been given.
I hadn't done much research about Ebola. I never thought that I would need to. I knew that it was a dangerous disease though. It would be mine and Doctor Adams job to make sure that it doesn't spread further and become a worldwide disease.
All of a sudden my phone started ringing. I looked down and saw that it was Ethan. I picked it up and answered it " Whats up?". " Just seeing if a workaholic like yourself has anytime for the little people anymore" he replied. Ethan has been my best friend ever since he became my roommate at Duke."Swing by my place in about half an hour and I'll see if I have time for the little people anymore". He laughed and hung up the phone.
Ever since I got my job at the CDC he had thought I was some big shot. To tell you the truth I really wasn't anything special compared to the hundreds of doctors and professors that worked at the office. If anyone deserved to be called a big shot it was him. He was the defensive end for the Miami dolphins. He was living my dream by playing in the NFL. I almost was drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs years ago, but then in the rose bowl I got my hand crushed by a middle linebacker. After that no matter how much physical therapy I did or what doctor I went to I could never catch a ball half as good as I used to.
I was lucky that I was in my senior year cause I could have never payed Duke's tuition without my scholarship. So I graduated and the CDC picked me up when I was about 25. Though a job at the CDC was a little less glamorous then a NFL tight end, I was still happy. I pulled into my driveway and got out and walked through my door. Setting the file down on on my kitchen table I walk over to the fridge and pulled out some left over chicken from the other night. I sat down on my couch and clicked the TV on.
"The new reports show that this recent outbreak in ebola has claimed over 50,000 life in west Africa. The doctors and scientist who are working on finding a cure say that they are no closer than they were in the first days of their research" a news anchor on CNN announced. I turned the channel knowing that soon enough I would be one the doctors and scientist that didn't seem to be doing any good.
All of a sudden there was a knock at my door and I got up and looked out through the pep hole. A tall and skinny brown haired with a confident smile and a look about him that you knew he could kick your ass without even trying.
I opened the door and wrestled the man to the ground and started punching him lightly in the arm. "Get off of me you dick" Ethan yelled. "Come on, I'm helping you out. You got to stay tuff if you want to continue your strong legacy with the NFL." I replied while I stood up and extended a hand to help pull him up. " Thats what training camp if for." He laughed.
I walked him into the kitchen pouring us both a glass of water and then we walked into the living room and sat down. He looked around the room "I love what you have done with the place. A lot less crappy looking then last time I was here".
I pointed to a frame with a Dark blue jersey in it " Do you remember why that jersey is anymore special than any that I wore". "Of course I do. It's the jersey that you caught that last amazing touchdown pass to send up to the rose bowl. I can tell because I remember that the fall made you land in the middle of a mud puddle. That's the reason it has a the stains on it." He replied carefully. I laughed and slapped him on the back. He had a great memory.
He picked up the booklet of paper I had yet to read yet. " What's this" he asked." I got a assignment from the boss today. I got to go over to Africa and protect and help a doctor that is helping to try and figure out the Ebola mess" I said grabbing it from his hands. I stuck it into my side table and locked it up. " There are a lot of confidential things in that booklet. So I can't allow you to read it. Sorry about that." I said with a smile.
"Oh its perfectly fine. Just answer me one question. How bad is it really over there" he said with a worried look on his face. I waited a second before I replied " Let me just say this. If we don't find a cure or treatment anytime soon. Not only will all of Africa suffer but the whole world might feel the effects". He looked very concerned for a moment and then he calmed down a little.
" Well with a big shot like you on the job then we have nothing to worry about" he said with a smile. I laughed a little but in the back of my mind all I could think about was the news report from earlier. 50,000 people are dead, I want to stop it there.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Ozzie!
One word.So, I checked out your first chapter when you originally put it out, a couple of months ago. Now that you've got another one out, why shouldn't I stick with it?
Your previous chapter did have several issues, and a lot of them continues here. Your writing is only going to get better and better with time and practice though, so what I like to do is just hammer in as many examples as I can, as well as commenting on some problems here and there. While as the same time, obviously, taking a look at how you are developing your story itself.
And speaking of the story. I'm liking how you are trying to give this guy some more backstory before you get into the action, go to Africa, and meet this doctor. You're giving him some time to develop some character before you send him out there and really gets the story going. That's good. I've read other writers that would have immidiately put him on the plane in the following chapter after the initial introduction.
I liked that you brought up some more story for his football background. The relationship he has with his old football buddy is also pretty decent. It's hard to really get into the scenes they have together, as the dialogue is a bit off, but they seem to do well together. More on dialogue later. The inclusion of the injury the killed his career was good. Crushed hand. Believable and realistic.
This chapter could be vastly improved if you did some tweaks though. What I'm mainly seeing here is a case of 'Show, don't tell'.
As in, the way you are writing your story so far is very flat, empty and has little life to it. Or rather, it's bare bones. I'm not feeling it.
To give your characters and world some more life and feeling, you need to tell us more. Don't just tell us what Eli is doing; tell us how and why. You can't describe something enough, just keep writing about what might be going on in the situation or scene. Well, there is a limit, but you're far below it.
As you are writing along, give us more details. Include Eli's feelings, his thoughts, his reasoning. It makes us know him better, and in the end; it makes us care more. Tell us about the scene. How does Eli's house look? I have no idea what it looks like. Does he have new-age furniture? Old, cheap stuff? Does it smell of rat feces? Why does Eli only hand out water? Does he not like coffee? Perhaps Ethan isn't a fan?
There's so much you could tell us and the sky's the limit!
Alright, overall I like it. Trying to create some more character to this guy is good. But there's so much more you could add. I'll be waiting for that.
In the meantime, I'll hammer in some more examples:
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Suggestion
Replaced the 'and' with a comma and changed 'started' to 'began' in order to avoid the repetition of started.
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Quick typo.
Suggestion
As I mentioned earlier, your dialogue could use some updates. While you can write dialogue within the same paragraph and lines, right after each other, it is a lot easier - not to mention common, to write it under one another. An example is easier here, so I'll just use this line:
I picked it up and answered it, "what's up?"
"Just seeing if a workaholic like yourself has any time for the little people anymore." He replied.
Edit
Just rearranged a couple of words.
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Added a comma. You could use a few more commas here and there. Try speaking out the line and hearing if it has a natural pause.
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Broke the tense here. Watch out for it. 'Leftover' is also one word.
While I know this is fiction and you can write whatever you want, your story is still very much rooted in current and factual events. To that end, there has roughly been around six thousand deaths in relation to ebola. That's in total through history. But you can ramp up the seriousness though, that's cool.
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Small typo.
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This line could use an extra word.
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Grammatical error. I kind of liked this one though. It was kind of comical. xD
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Another place for a comma. I've been skipping some, just look out for them.
As I said earlier, I'm liking the relationship between these guys. They wrestle each other and talk sarcasticly about their friends homes. Got some friendly bantering going on. I like it. The jersey thing feels a bit forced as Ethan is retelling it for us, but I kind of like that too. Friends keep reminding each other of history.
In several of your dialogues you are also lacking question marks when needed. This is obviously a question, yet there is no question mark.
His ending thoughts are also pretty good. He appears to be a likeable guy, I just want to know more about him.
Alright, that's pretty much all I got. It's an interesting and obviously a topical story, and I enjoyed reading it. Didn't really waste any time when I saw you had a new chapter up, so that tells you something.
You've got a cool plot going on, and you appear to be able to write some interesting scenes as well as developing a story with a good pace. There's still a lot you need to add into your writing though. But that will come along. I'd say your writing improved in the last few months since your previous chapter, and it'll just get better and better.
Keep it up, Ozzie!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Heya, I'm back to review this chapter! Your last one was a good introduction to the story, so I look forward to getting a glimpse at what's going to happen.
I walked out of the office with a booklet of paper work under my arm
This is such a little nitpick so don't worry. Paperwork doesn't need a space splitting it up.
It was good to see a glimpse at your character's past. I also get a sense of the strong friendship between him and Ethan, as Ethan is living his 'dream' job and he doesn't mind.
...ebola has claimed over 50,000 life in west Africa.
Life needs to become a plural. Lives*
Like I said last chapter, you need to fix up the way you've typed the speech. New person = new line. But apart from that it's fine! Your story is developing very well.