Young Writers Society

Hello there! :D After reading through this, I'm assuming that English isn't your first language? Because of this, I'll be trying to give you some general advice in addition to the things I point out.

We reached Coimbatore station at 2:30 pm.

Times are written with a colon (:) separating the hours and minutes. Also, if you want to be absolutely correct, "am" should be written as "A.M.", though "am" is very common nowadays.

As we thought the train the train was half an hour early and so we were sure that it would take Shobha chichi a lot of time to come.

Try keeping things simpler and work from there. What are the most important things happening? In this case, the train arriving early and waiting for Shobha chichi are the important events. Also in this case, the train arriving early causes you to have to wait for Shobha chichi, so you need to show this. However, this isn't clear the way you have it written right now. In addition, "come" is a very vague and general word; "arrive" is a better choice. And so, I suggest rewriting the sentence so that it's something like this:

"The train was half an hour early, so we knew we would have to wait for Shobha chichi to arrive."

Much clearer, now, yes?

Moreover, there was no STD booth and my mobile credit was very less.

What is an STD booth? Also, "my mobile credit was very less" doesn't make sense in English. The phrase "very less" does not exist; instead, we have the words "lesser" and "least", but these are used in comparing things (I have less than he does), which is not what you are doing here. Instead, you need a word that means "little" and "not full" because things like mobile credit are referred to as being "full", "maxed out", "low", or "empty". And so "my mobile credit was low" is the proper way.

This did not help us very much.

Rather than say that it didn't help, tell us why it wasn't helpful. "Because of this, we couldn't call Shobha chichi and tell her to come earlier."

I then tried to get used to the surroundings. It was foreign and I could notice the fact from the smell which I was not accustomed. It was a wholly different climate too. There was a lot of humidity due to which the heat was increased.

When are you doing this? Is this while you are still trying to find a way to get in touch with Shobha chichi, or is this while you are waiting? "Then" is a fairly vague word.

Also, try and state things as simply as possible. A couple of the sentences are a bit rambling. They could be more clearly rephrased as, "The place smelled foreign, and the climate was completely different. The humidity made the place feel hotter than it actually was."

If you notice, I combined two of the sentences. This is because if you have sentences that are all constructed the same way (noun verb adjective), it becomes repetitive and feels choppy and unpleasant to read. Varying your sentence structure is a good way to keep your reader interested.

Shobha chichi (in Malayalam it means sister) finally came and after having a breakfast, we left for Kollengode.

The meaning of "chichi" should be introduced the first time you use the word. Also, it could be introduced much more smoothly. Writing something like "Shoba chichi, Malayam for sister," doesn't stick out as much as the parentheses and it is more concise. And when you introduce the word "cheta", you don't need to repeat the Malayam since the reader will already know all these word are in Malayam. :D

While I was thus wondering, a jolt of pain dragged me out of the world of daydreams.

I'm not sure "the world of daydreams" is the phrase to use here. I think "my musings" makes more sense as you are wondering about things that are real rather than imagining things that are not.

I sat up wondering why it was so. Then I realized with a groan that I was sitting in a Kerala bus which was very tough.

The difference between thinking and wondering is that thinking is when you know about something and wondering is when you don't know about it. Also, why is a Kerala bus (what is a Kerala bus?) being tough a bad thing? How is the bus tough?

The roads were bad and due to which there was discomfort. Also the amount of passengers that were riding stunned me.

How does the roads being bad lead to discomfort? How does the number of passengers add to the discomfort?

However, there was beautiful scenery, and that made me happy. The cloudy sky along with the green fields and the mountains made a beautiful were picturesque.

"Scenery" is one of those words in English that have no plural form (kind of like how there are many fish in the sea). Everything you see in a scene is scenery. "The scenery in all the movie scenes was lovely!"

"Picturesque" is an adjective, meaning it describes a noun, and not a noun itself.

I would suggest rephrasing the sentences so that they are more organized. Right now, you talk about scenery, tell us how it made you feel, and then talk about scenery again. It would make more sense to talk about the scenery all at once and then tell us how it made you feel. One way you could rewrite things: "However, there was beautiful scenery. The cloudy sky along with the green fields and the mountains were picturesque, and that made me happy."

They talked about power-cuts, but I was not worried about them.

Not worried about what? The power cuts or Vishnu and Soman cheta? This is unclear.

After all, I was expecting this because this was Kerala!

What are the two "this" referring to? Be careful with pronouns; if you use too many, it become unclear what each pronoun is referring to.

I then started seeing the routine of the three sisters and because of their jolliness in work, I decided to call them the Three Musketeers.

This sentence is a bit rambling. Go back and look at what the most important points are and how they are connected. Ask yourself, "What leads into what?" and show that connection. This will make your sentences much easier to understand and less rambly.

The four of them managed the household very well. #000080 ">As for V[/b]ishnu#000080 ">, I started thinking of him as a fidgety boy.

Numbers less than one-hundred are always written out.

I did not like him much, but he was staying with us, and so I had to tolerate him. An over-lively boy, he always used to do some mischief, which I disliked. There were frequent fights between him and me over petty issues like changing channels and things such as that etc. Slowly and Gradually, #000080 ">("Gradually" means "over time".) I understood that I was an elder brother and elders should always be considerate to younger people in such matters. #000080 ">After that, I then did not interfere as much or get angry when he changed the channel I was watching.

My one big question is: is this happening while you are visiting, or is this in the past, during the last time you saw him?

Another reason was that there were some of Poo’s books which included Sherlock Holmes, Black Beauty and Enid Blyton omnibus. #000080 ">(no paragraph break) These books reminded me of the beautiful childhood I had had.

Who is Poo?

My conscience felt heavy as I realized that I would be separating her from them.

All her life it was she who had done all the entire hard work and had obeyed my slightest whims.

Then a thought occurred to my mind: Biladi kaka and kaki were going to Holland for six months. Then It would be very difficult for Tata and Amma to stay alone in Kerala #000080 ">without them.

You use "then" a lot. A bit too much, actually. There are other ways of showing that things are connected or that time has passed than using "then".

This period was until one fine day I opened the internet do some research about my email.

This period of what as what? What do you mean, doing some research about your email?

And that’s when, through Skype, I talked to Poo, my elder sister.

You need to introduce that Poo is your elder sister earlier, when you first mention her name.

These conversations #000080 ">("conservations" is a completely different word) with her were a great blessing to me. Because of these conversations, I was able to gain some peace of mind and restore my high spirits. ‘Darling’ was what she used to call me. This used to make me blush, and it also helped to regain my spirits.

This paragraph needs to be better organized. You jump from the conversations being a blessing, your high spirits, her calling you "Darling", and back to high spirits.

I would really like to thank her for spending her precious time with me. She truly is what the term ’elder’ means.

Unless she's dead, what she is like should be in the present tense.

I tried to learn cycling, but could not because of lethargy on part of Vishnu and myself. Then I tried to council Tata and was partly successful. We used to go to the temple in our society and then sitting there, he would talk about his problems while I would try to solve them by talking. I am always proud of my persuasion and talking skills and that I used to a great extent in solving problems.

When is all of this happening. You were talking about your conversation with your sister -- is this happening before or after? Also, there was no transition, no connection, between your talking to your sister and the events of this paragraph. Also, how does everything in this paragraph relate to each other?

I also watched National Geographic Channel and was deeply grieved by the condition of our Mother Earth. It is we only that are polluting the environment and destroying it. We are also getting its repercussions. U.S.A. recorded an amazing 138 storms the day Katrina struck and left thousands homeless. The plastic which we are using is turning into a killer by killing hundreds of birds and fishes. As a result, fisheries all over the world have been adversely affected. If this continues, a day will come in which humans shall fight each other for basic needs. The present condition of the earth is also very pathetic. We must do something quickly before Mother Earth is destroyed and we be the victims and the accusers #000080 ">(?) of it.

What is the purpose of this entire paragraph? Travelogues describe what you did on your travels and what impressions you have. If you would like to write more about how you felt about something you learned or encountered on your travels, you can write an essay about it. All you really need of this paragraph is the first sentence.

We went to Palakkad district and met Poo’s grandpa and grandma. We also went to our relatives' place whose name was Apu mama. There we received news that the politician Karunanidhi had given them free T.V sets in return for his support. It #000080 ">(What?) was also being done to each person of the T.N. region. These #000080 ">(Who?) can be called as shameless politicians. Instead of giving people free electricity or water, they were giving free TV sets and expecting the people to vote for them. Incredible people!

What is the full name of the T.N. region? Also, abbreviations with multiple letters have a period after each letter (U.S.A., S.O.S., etc.).

I also saw the marriage of Apu mama’s daughter in CD. It was a five day affair, which was considered to be normal in a Kerala marriage. The CD was of two hours, but it was really enough to make me sleepy. I silently swore that I would never, during my marriage, make the ceremony more than two hours long.

What is CD?

Like this, #000080 ">(Like what?) time passed, and I really came to love Geetha Niwas as a home. The warmth the people showed made it really

cozy

. But soon time came for us to leave its hospitality and visit Ooty. I had heard a lot about it #000080 ">(Be a bit more specific. Is Ooty a city, a village, a province?) and had planned everything early in advance. We were to stay in comfortable cottages in the cold weather which would be a relief from the heat in the lower parts.

Overall, you need to work on organizing your ideas a little better. Cutting down on the lengths of some of your sentences, rephrasing them so that the meanings are clear, and reorganizing paragraphs so that they don't jump around with ideas will help. Also, watch your spelling and be sure the words you are using are the right ones. Another thing to watch is how many pronouns you are using; too many can lead to confusion.

A few other things that I noticed were your use of abbreviations, terms, and names. You tended to toss them out without letting the reader know what they mean or who they are. When you first mention a name, word, or abbreviation that may be unfamiliar to a reader is when you should also introduce who or what it is.

One last thing I would like to say is that it is very unclear how all the people you mentioned (aside from Poo) are related to you as well as where all of this is taking place. You might want to clear that up.