Published November 22, 2009
He was the closest to me,
And he had won the prize.
But instead of feeling gay and happy,
Why did I feel my anger rise?
He was my elder brother,
And used to give me many advices.
Some were useful while some were not,
But now I feel they were all lies..
I remembered the cards we made,
I remember how close I was then,
I have burnt those cards memories in the mind’s fire,
And the memories of closeness-they have begun to fade.
He was the elder one,
And so I was overshadowed always,
His shadow has made my mind dark
And the fire within my heart now wants him razed.
And now as he has won the reward,
He will be known as the family's pride.
And as the people are showering him with praises,
On my life he is becoming a blight.
The fire in my heart is very fierce,
And the darkness of hatred is very difficult to pierce.
And as he has sucked all the life's joy,
I live only to see him destroyed.
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Hey there!
Now, my suggestion to you here is that you really get across the message that you're meaning to. I sense that something happened between the narrator and their brother that made the previously close siblings fall apart. However, in places like this:
I begin to think that I am wrong. You don't want to confuse your reader, remember that.
And, well, the poem seemed to just be about anger. There was nothing else in it, really. Maybe you could expand of the emotions of loss, and the love they once had?
~Amy
Hello oza,
this poem seems to be suffering from the same condition as a number of your other poems; over-wordiness. Don't be afraid to cut out the fat so you can get to the juicier bits in your writing. THese words are superfluous, I promise you. If you don't know what I mean, here's an example
Your problem isn't with your grand ideas or even the nature of your stanzas, it's the nitty-gritty tweaking of your words.
Besides that, wonderful job as always.
See you and your work around yws.
EMpress
Thanks. I will improvise.
"advice" is already enough. Many and advices is redundant. It also ruins the rhyme and rhythm. It would also rhyme well with "lies..."
Remembered or remember? tenses, fix them.
I think "began" would be a better word. It's just me though.
It's either "eldest one" or "older one". Elder one doesn't seem right, and it makes him seem VERY old!
A better fit to the rhythm would be "Overshadowed, I was always."
My own would be "Dark, my mind his shadow made". And besides, you're not rhyming the word "dark" with anything.
This would be fine without "And".
I think you focused more on your thoughts rather than the flow of the poem at this point.
My own would be something like
===
pierce with what? light? if so, this would fit well
just use any object that is known to pierce in place of "light", like a sword perhaps.
Over all: You had a very nice concept here. Save for the sentence errors and possible re-writes, it's pretty good. Expressing hatred and jealousy towards someone would always bring a poet to light.