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Death Note of the Philippines

by outvaders


All poor drug addicts, pushers, and suppliers.

Cause of death: murdered without trial.

(13 words)


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Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:02 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello!

I thought this was an interesting idea for a little piece of flash fiction. I love flash fiction that really gets you thinking, and the Philippines holds a special place in my heart. I set part of a novel of mine there and did a lot of research about some of the dark underbelly of the Philippines.

So your 13 words.

I really liked the simplicity of the second line. I think you were able to add a lot of power there and you were able to bring it home. I think more of my qualms are coming from the first line.

All poor drug addicts... - by saying "all" do you mean all of the drug addicts, pushers, and suppliers will end up dead or that all of those that have died are drug addicts, pushers, and suppliers? See you you can have a double meaning there and depending on how you read it the meaning can change? Is there a way to show which you mean and to make your meaning and intention clear? Same with poor. Do you mean poor as in poor without money or poor like sad/desperate? I know these are minute details, but when you only have 13 words to convey what you're trying to say, minute details matter :)

I think I want a little more setting. I know we're in the Philippines, but who is doing the killing? The drugs? The militias? The government? The people? You've targeted a select group of people, but how exactly are they dying? The murder without trial is a nice metaphor but I'd like some more cues about exactly who/what is killing them.

Hope that all made sense and that some of it was helpful! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's anything else you'd like me to comment on! :D




outvaders says...


Well, when you write a name on the Death Note, they die (check my comment below). I suppose we can say these guys are dead. For the question of who is killing them, they're being killed off in many ways. Maybe you can look that up. Point is, they're ded without trial.

I think this one is super contextual, like it takes some research to fully appreciate it. But thanks for that short reminder of watching my words in these flashfics. I might have forgotten that lol

Anyways, thanks for the review!



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Sat Feb 18, 2017 12:59 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there outvaders! Niteowl here to review this very short short story.

So, from what I can gather, this seems to be using the format of the anime "Death Note" to make a point about the War on Drugs in the Philippines. I haven't seen that anime, but this could be a powerful piece and the concept is definitely interesting.

That said, I feel like you went for brevity here at the expense of being understandable and powerful. I had to Google to know what Death Note was, which is one thing since you did clarify in the comment and I don't watch anime. However, the piece itself doesn't seem to work with the format of the Death Note (which, from the description you cite, requires a name), is basically incomprehensible without the title, and doesn't pack an emotional punch.

This is potentially thousands of dead people we're talking about here--I want to feel more for them. I would include a little more detail. Name, age, how they ended up where they are. You could still do this in a brief list-like format, but I feel like having names and stories would add a lot of interest to this piece.

I like the point you're trying to make here, but I think building on it would make it more compelling. Keep writing! :)




outvaders says...


Ayyy

I actually tried to make a statement there. So many people died. I checked the news last January or December, the survival rate was pretty much zero. These guys weren't really caught by the police; they were killed because they "resisted." It's as if the president (lol) poofed them all away in the death note.

But yeah, I think that's a great idea. I have a few names I can think of right now. Thanks for the review!



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Fri Feb 17, 2017 3:57 pm
outvaders says...



“High school student and prodigy Light Yagami stumbles upon the Death Note and—since he deplores the state of the world—tests the deadly notebook by writing a criminal's name in it. When the criminal dies immediately following his experiment with the Death Note, Light is greatly surprised and quickly recognizes how devastating the power that has fallen into his hands could be.”

-excerpt from the synopsis of the anime Death Note, written by MAL Rewrite





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