Published February 2, 2011
Love is a risk-is it one worth taking?
If I fall in love what about my heart, what are the chances of it breaking?
Is anyone worth the effort- for you to self destruct?
Is a lifetime of abandonment worth a few seconds of being awestruck?
Are sleepless nights and damp pillows worth a lifetime of insecurities?
I find you insatiable desire quite unfathomable-explain please.
Is it worth being locked in your room singing the blues?
Telling yourself through the tears that you're still loved- you're the one with the issues!
Don't you see how pitiful you look, trying to placate yourself with kleenex tissues?
Why don't you stop moping around- you've already been robbed, what have you got to lose?
If you get fooled twice shame on you.
But when the time comes again you'll know what to do.
After a heart has been broken, it becomes reborn.
Those within your reach had best brace themselves and prepare to mourn!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Hey there! Just thought I'd pop by to give you a review.
Comma after 'love'. If I fall in love, what about my heart, what are the chances of it breaking?
I'm not sure if this is right though, so I'd put 'If I fall in love, what about my heart? What are the chances of it breaking?'
Spelling error. I find your insatiable desire quite unfathomable- explain please.
Commas for pauses.
If you get fooled twice, shame on you.
But when the time comes again, you'll know what to do.
I like how I get a mental image of someone drowning themselves in sorrow, but picking themselves up after the whole episode.
It's a good piece. With some polishing up, it could be even better!
Keep writing!
"Don't you see how pitiful you look, trying to placate yourself with kleenex tissues?
Why don't you stop moping around- you've already been robbed, what have you got to lose?"
This line I enjoyed the most. Because it is oh so true. After the first try, what else is there to lose in love? Just having to build back up again. The exclamation points give a sense of angst, like a young writer crying out to its fellow adolescents to take to heart his words. Very nice.
~Panda;;
Thank you i will and when i do please review!
Hi there,
The first thing I saw in your poem is the way you struggled to rhyme. People do this so often; why bother with rhyming, anyway? Your words should mean something, whether or not the last syllables of each line sounds the same. I could see you veering away from the poem you meant to write as you tries to fit in with the rhyme scheme you'd given yourself to work with. Don't ever sacrifice meaning for rhyme or rhythm. The minute you alter the words you found in yourself, the words you deemed important to commit to paper, for some silly little rhyme, you've given up on the place where good poems come from. You're a writer, you know what I'm talking about. Please, rewrite this poem without the rhyming, and stay true to the poem you wanted to write.
All the best
-Aussie